well, i put another $217 into that fucking car today, but it should be good for the trip now. whee. that includes 4 tires, alignment on all 4 wheels, all that shit, and a tank of gas.

got a lot done today though, banking, car, doctor's appointment, stuff like that.

mom wants me to stay here through my birthday. i don't really know how i feel about that, it is my 21st after all, and none of my friends will be here, they'll have all gone back to school. bleh. i would really rather spend it with jared. :/

wish list

8 days until i'm on the road. things to do before then, namely on monday: call swedish auto dudes about tie-rod ends. call doctor about rescheduling appointment.

today i could sort my stuff into "take" and "don't take" piles, that would be useful. hmm.

my life is exciting.

car repair tally: $144 for new catalytic converter, $39.50 for inspection (IT PASSED! WOOHOO!), $2.44 for new wiper blades. still need new tie-rod ends. whatever the fuck tie-rod ends are. (they're a part of the steering system, right by the front wheels. fun stuff, yo.)

days until departure: t minus 9 days. woohoo!

check out my route. whee.

i painted yesterday, i should take a picture of it and upload it. i should also get that online gallery thing that i keep talking about up and running.

i took my car into midas to get the catalytic converter replaced. the dude told me they couldn't guarantee that it would pass inspections. but then, no one can, because it's a piece of shit. but it runs, and that's what matters, right. sigh.

life is boring.

fucking hell. moving ain't cheap.

*sits here and prays that her dad will pay for car repairs needed before the move*

My life is rated NC-17.
What is your life rated?

i feel like painting today. the problem is that my room is so full of absolute utter shit that i can't find a spot on the floor to sit and prop a canvas in front of me. so, before i can paint, i must clean. let me tell you, my motivation to clean is a lot lower than my motivation to paint.

in other news, i lost the ebay auction for what would have been an amazing christmas present for jared. :(. oh well... i bet i can find that rare vinyl again next week... or next MILLENIUM... sigh. funny story, i was telling my brother what i was bidding on, and my mom overhears, and she goes, "does jared even OWN a TURNTABLE?" as if him owning some sort of relic from another generation as a turntable would be unheard of. actually, mom, he has two.

i hate nothing more than calling someone i don't know on the phone. it just really, really bothers me. what if they don't want to talk to me? what if they're busy, or in the middle of a meal? i'm trying to convince myself it won't be that bad, and if i don't call people, i'm never going to get a car. siiiigh.

random thoughts: (i'm blogging a lot today)
i should come up with some sort of sketch that i can make be the background for my title bar.
i found jared's christmas present, if i can win the ebay auction. and i figured out what to give jamie. woohoo! i'm going to paint tomorrow, if i can clear enough room in my room to sit down at the canvas. stupid shit, all filling my room up. and i need to make some phone calls and go look at some cars tomorrow. christmas is coming up faster than you think, a week from today is christmas eve. weird, yo. not that i really care all that much about it, as it's a holiday for a religion that is not mine and embraced by consumerism which disgusts me. but somehow underneath all that i'd like to see that i can find some sort of faith in humans around this time of year. man, i'm sleepy. but you know, the sooner christmas comes, the sooner it'll go, and then it'll be new years, and then it'll be time for me to get my ass out of texas. yay.

despite all my rage, i am still just a rat in a cage.

so i went to the doctor this morning. 9:30 appointment, got there at 9:45 (i've learned not to show up on time), finally got called around 10:45, and was out by 11. I hate it - I wait for more than an hour, and I get five minutes of face time (IF that) with the physician. oh, and also the physician's assistant nurse bitch decided to lecture me on how to take my birth control pills. because "they're not effective for a full 30 days." right. i read the patient information flyer in the packet, and i know how my reproductive system works, and according to both of those, if you start taking them at the right time in your cycle they're "effective" immediately (or, well, they will be by the time you should ovulate, because you won't, and if you're not ovulating, you don't need them). Sometimes I feel smarter than her - then i realize that she didn't go to med school, and probably only has a 2-year degree, and that i AM smarter than her. dumb bitch.

but anyway, the point of the visit was that i hate effexor and havent taken it for 5 days, and i tell the doctor this and she flings trial packets of lexapro at me. no no, you don't get it, i dont want to be on a fucking ssri. oh well. i took one today, and i feel pretty good, the withdrawal symptoms from the effexor are gone. i think i'm gonna wait a week before i take it again, and if i don't think i need it, then fuck it. i'd rather not be on antidepressants anyway, and according to the internet, anorgasmia (the worst thing in the world btw) is just as common a side effect in lexapro as in effexor. wonderful. i really think the answer to my problems would be found in a bottle of adderall or some other stimulant - not to abuse mind you, but to get me out of bed in the morning and keep me there. preferably something that wouldn't make me psychotic as ephedra is prone to doing.

blah, i say. blaaaaaaaah. i want to get out of this fucking state ASAP.

home. it's exciting.

:: how jedi are you? ::

it's my last day here. in 24 hours i'll be on a plane back to texas. and gone from branner, forever. goodbye, stanford, i won't miss your stupid fucking classes and prickish people and insane workloads and social pressure.

It doesn't seem real that I have to be out of my room in 4 days. Not real at all. I have 4 more nights in this dorm - ever. And I still have so much to take care of - from establishing a forwarding address with the post office to filling out a termination of occupancy card to actually moving out. I wish it were a month from now though, because it is not the moving OUT of branner and AWAY from Stanford that is exciting to me, it's the moving to Seattle. I really can't wait. I think I'm going to set out the week before my birthday, maybe on tuesday or so, and hope to be to jared's house by thursday night. happy 21st birthday, Kat, you can legally drink now. how about spending the night at your boyfriend's parents' house, and meeting them for the first time? sound like fun? yeah, i thought so.

It's kind of bizarre but I think talking to Jared's mom on the phone the other day (for some reason she called me to see if i knew where her son was) eased my fears about meeting her. he says she likes me (it always baffles me how moms can like their son's girlfriends without ever having met them, but it's happened to me before - see entry under mikey's mom and the st. patrick's day socks) and i guess the fact that she called me makes it more likely that that's true. it's weird.

My goals for christmas break: buy a car and get off the effexor. i've been reading about withdrawal symptoms (to see if this weird head- nausea thingie i've been having might be because i've been skipping it - it's probably not, 'cause jared has the same thing, but anyway) and they sound pretty nasty. not looking forward to that. but i'm conflicted. If i stay on it, i won't have anyone to monitor me every few months and see how it's doing. plus, there's that whole annoying no orgasms thing. but if i go off of it, how do i know that i'll be able to function as a person? I've been doing pretty well on days that I haven't taken it - I think i've taken it three times in the last week and a half, and have only felt depressed on one of those days. I need to go to Cowell and pick up a refill on that - i've only got 2 pills left. But it kind of bothers me that the withdrawal symptoms are so pronounced for some people - i'm physically dependent on it, and that rubs me the wrong way. it's kind of like an addiction. and i'm taking such a drastic step in my life to try to beat the depression (since all the effexor has done is make me happy and depresssed, if you can imagine such a thing) and i think it just might work. it would be nice if i had something to fall back on though, access to a psychiatrist that doesnt charge an arm and a leg, so that if something goes wrong i have someone to help me out.

I think it'll be easier overall though being there - for that very reason. this quarter has been really tough on both Jared and I - we've both had our rough spots, times when you want absolutely nothing more in the world than to have someone hold you and tell you that they love you. and we haven't been allowed that simple luxury. and for that reason, i think I'm making the right move - no matter what I'm giving up here, I'm moving closer to those comforting arms, and if things get bad, I'll have him close by, and he can put his arms around me and tell me that he loves me.

wow, what a long and rambly blog.

i think that mellon collie and the infinite sadness may be my favorite musical composition of all time. sure, it's simple, and repetetive, but it's just so soothing, and so beautiful that i can never hear it without stopping to *listen*. it's a tough battle between mellon collie and a couple of debussy pieces, clair de lune probably being at the top, but i think mellon collie takes the cake. plus, it's the intro track to what is arguably the pumpkins' best recording, the album from which came most of their big hits. i mean, thirty-three, tonight, tonight, 1979, bullet with butterfly wings, zero, tales of a scorched earth, beautiful, we only come out at night, porcelina... god damn. what an amazing recording. billy corgan, i may be 8 years late in saying this, but i salute you. this is truly a genius recording.

man, i can't wait until i have a job and my income is not *just* negative. today i sold a lamp for $20 and a string of rope lights for $5, plus promised my futon to some people for $100, and someone is interested in buying my bike. i might be able to get 150 or maybe even 200 for it depending on the condition. so exciting. it'll be so cool when this "income" concept isn't so foreign and i'm getting paid every 2 weeks... maybe for 2 jobs... =D

well, i woke up feeling a lot better this morning (after one weird night of simultaneously sweating my ass off and freezing my ass off - which subsided after I took off my hoodie and 2 of the 3 blankets and turned my heater off... funny that) but it's still a pain in the ass to try to get out of bed. i don't have any energy and my legs still don't work quite right. it's so bizarre that the flu can affect your whole body like that. still got the cough and the sore throat and the chest pain going on, but i can deal with that now that my entire body doesn't hurt like a motherfucker and i don't have a 102.7 degree fever. And I have soup. And apple juice.

blahhhh, i have so much to take care of this week, and i don't have the energy. i'm thinking about putting off buying the car until i get home - that way i can have my parents help me out with it. buying a car is kind of scary and i've never done it before, so it might be easier to have someone along who can help out. it'll mean i'll have to drive all the way across the country, bleh, but i could handle that.

it's so weird. this is the week before finals. everyone is in panic mode and writing 20 page papers and studying biology and shit. i don't remember when the last time i did school work was. it's like i'm in a completely different universe from everyone else.

blah.

Oregon is a nice place, isn't it? Yes, it is. You
should live there. So should I. As of now
it's not crowded, but you never know. So
ummmm, ok...Oregon....yeah.


What State Is Perfect For You?
brought to you by Quizilla

only off by one, i guess that's close enough...

when mom tells you to get a flu shot, for god's sake, listen to her.

yaaaaaaaay thanksgiving break yaaaaaaaaaay seeing jared!!!! and grandparents! yaaaaaaaay! see you all again on sunday.

comment, people. please.

My swirling wants. Your frozen lips.
The grammar turned and attacked me.

Themes, written under duress.
Emptiness of the notations.

They gave me a drug that slowed the healing of wounds.

I want you to see this before I leave:
The experience of repetition as death
the failure of criticism to locate the pain,
the poster in the bus that said:
my bleeding is under control.

A red plant in a cemetary of plastic wreathes.

A last attempt; the language is a dialect called metaphor.
These images go unglossed: hair, glacier, flashlight.
When I speak of a landscape I am thinking of a time.
When I talk of taking a trip I mean forever.
I could say, Those mountains have a meaning,
but further than that I could not say.

To do something very common, in my own way.

-"A Valediction Forbidding Mourning," Adrienne Rich

This is by far my favorite poem. I don't usually even really like poetry, but this one gripped me the first time I read it and has stuck with me ever since. I have it memorized just because I've read it so many times. I have it posted on the wall by my bed, and it runs through my head whenever I'm having a tough time. Like right now. It really hits home for me right now, because I am taking a trip, and I mean forever. And I'm heading off to do something very common, in my own way. And I just want people to understand and accept that.

wow. i really hate this place, when it comes down to it. people here are so repressed and narrow-minded and they've convinced themselves that their way of looking at the world is the only right way. they think they're "fortunate" and "saved" but are they happy? really? no.

on my to-do list:
- tell kennell and rest of staff that i'm leaving
- get residence dean to sign my leave of absence form
- tell rescomp people i'm leaving
- find a car
- talk to kim and dave about crashing for a week or 2
- pack all my shit up
- find a room or apartment
- find a job
- survive

and three....

craigslist has become my new best friend. i've searched it for apartment listings, used cars, and jobs... just in the past 3 days.

and second... (comments welcome ;)

first in a series

i just wrote this in my sketchbook after doing a quick sketch:

drawing pictures of him in some bizarre way makes him feel closer. when i draw his eyes i can remember staring deeply into them. when i draw his hands i feel them in mine. when i draw his arm i can remember running my finger along the hair on it and how soft his skin feels

and i miss him


it occurred to me that if i had a scanner i could do a sketch blog. how cool would that be? too bad i haven't got one.

days like this i don't know what to do with myself
all day and all night i wander the halls along the walls and
under my breath i say to myself i need fuel to take flight
and there's too much going on
but it's calm under the waves in the blue of my oblivion
under the waves in the blue of my oblivion

is that why they call me a sullen girl, sullen girl
they don't know i used to sail the deep and tranquil sea
but he washed me shore and he took my pearl
and left an empty shell of me

and there's too much going on
but it's calm under the waves in the blue of my oblivion
under the waves in the blue of my oblivion
under the waves in the blue of my oblivion
it's calm under the waves in the blue of my oblivion

-fiona apple, sullen girl

I keep dreaming about going shopping. I don't get it. Last night I dreamed that I was shopping at abercrombie, and they were selling pencils for $10.99 each. How typical of them.

I also keep dreaming about going to the bathroom in front of other people. Like the stall door won't close, or has a window in it, or the walls are too low. I'm confused. What is my subconscious trying to tell me?

how did my life end up in this situation anyway?

what am i thinking about doing again? and why?

oh yeah.

I’m gonna make a mistake-
I’m gonna do it on purpose
I’m gonna waste my time
cuz I’m full as a tick
and I’m scratching at the surface
and what I find is mine
and when the day is done, and I look back
and the fact is I had fun, fumbling around
all the advice I shunned, and I ran
where they told me not to run, but I sure
had fun, so
I’m gonna fuck it up again
I’m gonna do another detour
unpave my path
and if you wanna make sense
whatcha looking at me for
I’m no good at math
and when I find my way back,
the fact is I just may stay, or I may not
I’ve acquired quite a taste
for a well-made mistake
I wanna mistake why can’t I make a mistake?
I’m always doing what I think I should
almost always doing everybody good
why
do I wanna do right, of course but
do I really wanna feel I’m forced to
answer you, hell no
I’ve acquired quite a taste
for a well-made mistake, I wanna
make a mistake, why can’t I make a mistake
I’m always doing what I think I should
almost always doing everybody good
why
-fiona apple, "a mistake"

i really just can't quite figure it out. is the fact that i really, really dislike doing work for my classes normal? i mean, most people don't like to do problem sets, but i just can't force myself to do them sometimes. sometimes i wonder if this means that i'm just not like other people here. the other kids here, they seem to be machines. they get things done. they buckle down. i used to be like that, but now i just can't. take the paper that was due like 2 weeks ago that i still haven't started. every time i think about starting it, or try to start it, my brain turns itself off. i've got input coming from all sides of me telling me what i should do, or what i need to do, without any thought to what i want to do. is that the sacrifice i have to make to be a member of society? my happiness? can anyone ever be truly happy? maybe i should move out to the middle of nowhere and live off the land and fuck everyone else. right now i really need someone to be here for me, to hug me, to tell me i'll survive no matter what. because right now i'm really really confused about what i'm doing here, whether i'm in the right place, and what i want to do after i get out of here. the idea of working in the field of engineering makes my stomach turn and my heart sad. but then, will i ever be able to let go of all the things that burden my emotions and be happy? will i ever be truly happy? i really don't know. it's really fucked up. i want my parents to understand. i want the nagging voice they have implanted in my mind about who valid members of society are and do to shut up and go away. i thought my therapist this summer was full of shit when she told me that there was a nagging "mom voice" in my head, but it's yelling loud and clear now. what i want to do is wrong. the only right path is from college to career, following in the footsteps of the Man. there's no room in society for artists. it's difficult to make it as an artist, and i'm not good enough. i'm suddenly starting to see the point of the old lambda nu rcc, who dropped out of school 2 months shy of graduation after seeing the movie "adaptation" and went off to try to be a writer. he's following his heart. so few people actually have the balls to do that. i know, if i leave after this year and don't finish, i won't have a good enough portfolio to get into grad school. i know i don't have enough money to get on my feet, and i'd need help. i also know if i do what my parents think is right and what they want me to do, i won't have a good enough portfolio to get into grad school either. so in a way dropping my cs minor in favor of an art minor, and finishing my product design degree, is sort of following my heart, while still covering my ass. but is covering my ass necessary? probably. i need to admit to myself that i need to finish my degree and graduate. dear god, who ever would have thought this would be so difficult for me? i'm invincible, remember?

i miss my boyfriend. a lot.

old and busted: britney spears
new hotness: paris hilton.

evidently you don't need to even pretend to have talent to be famous anymore. that's awesome. i'm fascinated by this girl like i've never been obsessed with a celebrity before. she's rich. she's stupid (or at least pretends to be). she's hot. she doesn't do jack shit except party and shop (and face it, you wouldn't either if you were heir to a massive hotel fortune). the way she's just exploded into the media in the last couple of months makes me think that she woke up one day and was like, "i want to be famous!" and then set about becoming so. and, let's face it, she lives like the rest of us wish we could. oh, and did i mention that she's hot (in a waiflike, freakish, disgusting way)?

i had a really great session with my therapist this morning. we talked a lot about figuring out what makes me happy and what makes me depressed, and, well, it's an interesting pattern. what makes me happy: creating things. painting. welding. what makes me upset: problem sets. papers. shit. it's not a good pattern for someone who's trying to get a degree in engineering at all. i found out about a class offered spring quarter that's jewelrymaking. i heard that it's intense, but a lot of fun, and i really want to give it a try. making jewelry really excites me. we don't have the facilities here at stanford to do a whole lot with it, but it seems like something i should learn about. i've also been reading about the university of washington's metals program - it sounds awesome.

i think that's all i have to say right now. oh, and also, jared is gonna shit his pants when he sees his birthday present. that is all.

things i am ridiculously in love with, in no particular order:
badly drawn boy, "magic in the air"
thinking of art as the meaning of life*
jared

*note to self: expand upon this idea later

i want to be an art major.

it's probably a bad idea to arrive at that conclusion on a day that i have an interview with apple, huh.

well, i'd just written up a rant about the airline industry raping people who want to travel during the holidays, and then i remembered that southwest flies to SJC and to SEA. Soooooo... no more rant. fuck the big airlines, i'm flying southwest.

do you realize
that you have the most beautiful face
do you realize
we're floating in space
do you realize
that happiness makes you cry
do you realize
that everyone you know someday will die
and instead of saying all of your goodbyes
let them know you realize that life goes fast
it's hard to make the good things last
you realize the sun doesn't go down
it's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round
do you realize
do you realize
that everyone you know someday will die
and instead of saying all of your goodbyes
let them know you realize that life goes fast
it's hard to make the good things last
you realize the sun doesn't go down
it's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round
do you realize
that you have the most beautiful face
do you realize?

-the flaming lips, "do you realize?"

life's little rules, part 745: if you find yourself in an awkward social situation with an ex, the appropriate response is NOT to drink yourself into oblivion so that it doesn't "feel" awkward. You're only victimizing yourself.

just as an update for those of y'all who are worried: don't be. i was in a really shitty mood (obviously) when i posted that - and now i'm getting things turned around. my mood is 200% better today and yesterday than it was monday, i have an appointment with a shrink on thursday, and a lot of the issues with my staff that were causing my bad mood have been resolved or at least discussed. i've made a resolution to myself to stop missing class and get caught up in my studies, and so i think shit's going to get better. i've been letting things slide too much, but it stops yesterday. yay. i'll make it. i promise.

re: my "hella studying" away message:

eric: i don't think "hella studying" is an appropriate use of the word
eric: learn the etymology
kat: oh whatever
eric: lol
kat: it's fucking slang
eric: and then?
kat: i can say "i'm soooo studying"
eric: haha
eric: true
kat: and in most other applications "soooo" can be replaced with "hella"
kat: as in "i'm hella tired"
eric: yes yes
kat: or "that movie was hella good"
kat: therefore
eric: i just tend to equate hella with wicked
kat: jesus, no
eric: and you can definitely not say "i'm wicked studying"
eric: hahaha
kat: hella != wicked
eric: dude, it's so used the same
kat: hella > wicked
eric: for example i could not say it's hella used the same there
eric: haha
eric: yes
eric: but used in a similar manner
kat: hehe
kat: no, because in that situation "so" wasn't an adverb
kat: oh wait, yeah it was
eric: :P
kat: you could too say "it's hella not used the same"
eric: oh
eric: yeah
eric: nevermind
eric: i could
kat: hehe
eric: dammit
kat: so i can say i'm hella studying
kat: HA
kat: i win
kat: i HELLA win, even

my life is falling apart. it really is. i don't know if i'm going to make it. i thought i was doing fine, but i guess i wasn't. i think this school is too hard for me. yeah, way to go, discover that when you're a junior and it's too late to transfer, good one, kat. i don't even know what i want to do with my life anymore. i need help.

things i remember dreaming about last night:
snowboarding
being able to sing
winning a free ticket to a movie
being in a large house with my entire family
running around a store

random things i appreciate today:
modest mouse
the fact that i was able to get up this morning
the fact that the biker that ran into me this morning on my way back from class asked me if i was ok
wheaties

There's something out there. Something worth waiting for, something worth living for. I'm kind of dazed and confused right now because it feels like only 5 minutes ago that i kissed that something goodbye and got out of the car and walked into the airport, but this weekend solidified in my mind the fact that there is something there. and it's amazing, whatever it is.

bwahahahahahaha.

it just dawned on me a few minutes ago that i'm not normal ordinary person in love. i'm ridiculous crazy stupid idiotic retarded not even funny lose control of vital bodily functions in love. that kind of realization isn't the kind that leaves you floating feeling like you're on top of the world. that kind of love happens to people all over the world every day. this is the kind of realization that makes every single part of your body so heavy you feel like you never want to get out of your chair, because you can't. there's only one thing in the world that matters, but it matters so much that it permeates every cell of your being. it makes you realize that everything you ever thought was love before was just wishful thinking, which is kind of disappointing to realize, because you think you've been in love before, you've thought it was real. but it wasn't, because it never felt as real as this, as important and significant as this. hell, world war two wasn't as important or significant as this. and i really mean that.

i think i'm about to cry.

blogblog. exciting weekend. last night the staff hung out in Luanne's room (she was upset about something Kennell said to her, not sure what and why, but it sounded kind of insensitive). There is much tension among some members of the staff; i prefer to stay out of it of course, but i'm afraid it's going to become a problem that i can't just ignore. after that, i sat in my room and did homework until about 2:30 and then read in bed until about 3. i'm rereading a life less ordinary, which is a pretty good book. fast reading.

writing lab reports sucks.

new look! not pink anymore! yay! what do you think?

jp: "i like economics like i like unlubricated masturbation. it's fun in the end, but while you're doing it, it's a little uncomfortable."

Luanne and I on last Thursday's game of "never have I ever" (the topic: Never have I ever... gone 69)

Luanne: But then his balls would be in your face! EWWW!
Me: Not if they're in your mouth.

Evidently Luanne has testiclephobia.

things in my life that are important to me, in no particular order:
- branner
- jared
- landing that apple internship (why won't my cardinal recruiting account work??)

if you knew
how i long
for you now that you're gone
you'd grow wings and fly
home to me, home tonight
and in the morning sun

let's pretend we're bunny rabbits
let's do it all day long
let abbots, babbitts and cabots
say mother nature's wrong
and when we've had a couple'a'beers
we'll put on bunny suits
i long to nibble your ears
and do as bunnies do

let's pretend we're bunny rabbits
let's do it all day long
rapidly becoming rabid
singing little rabbit songs
i can keep it up all night
i can keep it up all day
let's pretend we're bunny rabbits
until we pass away

-the magnetic fields

i think i may be the only person on the planet who actually not only doesn't mind, but prefers, warm soda to cold soda. i'm the same way with some beers, but i just don't vocalize that because evidently drinking warm coors light is some sort of blasphemy or something.

hm. i should get some beer. i haven't had beer in a long time.

*sigh* so now california has a governator instead of a governor. why do i find this slightly unsettling? the fact that the former mr. universe will be leading the largest state in the US? this is making California even more of a joke than Missouri was when Jesse "The Body" Ventura was voted into office there. Now I have a governor who will [arnold voice]pump me up[/arnold]. sigh. fucking politics piss me off.

at least proposition 54 got voted down.

yay! the pd program approved my major. I'm officially declared! yay!

bad news: the branner cookies have returned. as if it wasn't already certain that i was gonna gain the freshman 15 back this quarter, i had 4 cookies after dinner. yummmmmm. must. control. impulses.

i just fixed my old-ass falling-apart abercrombie jeans with duct tape. hottt.

well, it's monday again. it's funny how that happens. this weekend flew by - probably because saturday was spent in san francisco and sunday was spent recovering from saturday (lack of sleepwise). i cranked out my first paper for my writing in the major class (the major is for sucks) in like 45 minutes yesterday. it was only a resume and cover letter though so it's not like it was a big deal. excitement: my cd's from amazon.com got here. death cab for cutie - we have the facts and we're voting yes is totally good. typical death cab stuff though. i'm enjoying interpol - turn on the bright lights in a different way though. it's less mellow, darker, harder. more rock-ish than death cab. i kind of like it. the next cd i'm going to buy is the polyphonic spree - beginning stages of.... it looks good. i like what spree stuff i've heard, which isn't a whole lot, but they have a very unique sound. everyone should download their track "light and day" which sounds familiar because it was on a vw commercial. but then, isn't everything vw uses in their commercials good? i might also buy something by the magnetic fields. i'm becoming such a pretentious indie-rock hipster. sweet.

i actually kind of don't dislike mondays all that much. yeah, they're my busiest day, but they really aren't all that bad. the only sucky parts are my writing class is boring and staff meeting tends to run long, but really, they're not so bad. i'd rather have mondays be my painfully long day than, say, thursdays. better to get it over with anyway.

grrr when is the fucking pd program going to approve my major declaration?

i have a fine layer of brass dust on my shirt. this is awesome. i am in love with the metal shop. i actually got all disappointed when i finished my part and had to clean up and leave. i want to spend hours and hours in there cutting and turning and milling and doing things to metal things that i have never been able to do before. highly entertaining.

i need to come up with a term project sometime soon. perhaps i'll work on my logbook tonight.

so on my way back from class today i stopped by and talked to lisa, who is our "resident student affairs specialist" or basically our office lady. she had chocolate. i took 2 dove promises - a milk one and a dark one. i love dove promises because they're like fortune cookies but there's none of this "hard work make you money in long run" shit, it's all just sappy little messages. and chocolate is better than fortune cookie anyway. the first one i opened had this inside:

"It's the anticipation that makes the pleasure."

so true, so true.

the second one was:

"Eating chocolate is like giving yourself a big hug."

I just hugged myself. Twice. hooray for chocolate.

this morning: me203. best class EVAR. this afternoon: me203 lab. i'm excited about it, the machine shop intrigues me, but it's a little intimidating. oh well. i'm overwhelmingly excited about learning how to make shit out of metal. how fucking cool is that. i'll write more about my possible term projects later, now i'm going to power nap so that i don't fall asleep during lab - which is from 1 to 5. ewwww.

hm, it's been awhile since i've blogged. i've got classes all up in my grill, yo; way too many classes for way too few units. i like the way i just put a semicolon after the word "yo." it was a typo at first, but i liked it like that. so i left it. anyway, my classes. there are a hell of a lot of them. 5 in which i am a student and 1 in which i am a teacher. whee. i found out a few days ago that i get paid for teaching CS1C in addition to my RCC stipend, which is excellent. $10 an hour for like 2 or 3 hours a week, not a WHOLE lot of money, but enough for something fun, like a cd or a night out. hooray!

i need to stop the amazon.com impulse shopping. last week i bought neal stephenson's new novel which looks excellent and i'm sure will be a good read. and then today i bought death cab for cutie's "we have the facts and we're voting yes" and interpol's "turn on the bright lights". hooray for indie music. i feel like such a hipster listening to death cab and the postal service and stuff but it is just awesome music.

oh well. it's 7:20 and i have a 7:30. i hate evening classes, but i guess i have to put up with it. gr. 2 hours long too. yucky.

no one has ever made me as happy as you do. seriously. that one night in late june when i got home from europe and hit rock bottom as far as my depression goes was the first night we ever talked on the phone. i felt as though my life was over before you called; when we hung up 45 minutes later, i realized that it wasn't, and i even had a smile on my face. even then i think i sensed something - the fact that the conversation just flowed so well over that 45 minutes, the fact that you were so good at listening to me and talking to me about my problems when we barely even knew each other just seemed too good to be true. the way you weren't scared off this july when my relationship with my family was deteriorating and my depression was really coming to a head. the fact that you'd drive for hours just to hang out with me. the way that no matter how low i felt, just fifteen minutes on the phone with you put a smile on my face. the way you just want to be able to help me out when i need it. the way i can gaze into your eyes for hours on end and i feel like i'm gazing into your soul. there have been a couple times in my life when i thought that i was truly in love with someone. each time, i've been proven wrong, or discovered that it wasn't love. with my last relationship i was just trying to force something that wasn't there. with the one before that, it was just not meant to be. the time before, there was a connection when we were not together, but the time we spent together was awkward and forced. but with you, there is this deep connection that i just cannot describe, something i've never experienced before. maybe i really never have been in love before. but i'm pretty damn sure that i am now.

last week I had the strangest dream that
everything was exactly how it seemed
where there was never any mystery of who shot John F. Kennedy
it was just a man with something to prove
slightly bored and severly confused
he steadied his rifle with his target in the center
and became famous on that day in november

don't wake me I plan on sleeping in

again last night I had that strange dream
where everything was exactly how it seemed
no concerns about the world getting warmer
people thought that they were just being rewarded
for treating others as they'd like to be treated
for obeying stop signs and curing diseases
for mailing letters with the address of the sender
now we can swim any day in november

don't wake me I plan on sleeping in
-the postal service, sleeping in

so classes start tomorrow. here's my tentative schedule for tomorrow:
10:00-11:50 art 140
2:15-4:05 ME 80
4:15-? CS1C organizational meeting
10:00 house meeting

site of the moment: pixelgirl presents desktops. some of the coolest desktop images i've seen in a long time. this is the one i'm using right now. they're so different they're awesome. what fun.

band of the moment: freezepop. cheesy, completely ironic synth-pop. so cute.

i'm a science genius girl
i won the science fair
i wear a white lab coat
dna strands in my hair

when i clone a human being
it will want to hold my hand
when i clone a human being
it will be a member of my band
it will be a member of my band
it will be a member of my band

scientific method girl
the theorems speak to me
microscope is in my hand
x1, x2, x3

when i clone a human being
it will want to hold my hand
when i clone a human being
it will be a member of my band
it will be a member of my band
it will be a member of my band

measure out the chemicals
safety goggles on my eyes
turn the bunsen burner on
my creation comes alive

i have cloned a human being
it is here and holds my hand
i have cloned a human being
it is now a member of my band
it is now a member of my band
it is now a member of my band
i have cloned a human being
it is here and holds my hand
i have cloned a human being
it is now a member of my band

yeah. cheesy-ass lyrics, but the sound is so fun and light and likable. yummy freezepop.

t minus 5 hours and 45 minutes until the frosh show up. yikes. i think i might get 4 hours of sleep if i go to bed like NOW. that would be awesome. and then it's insanity. blehhhh. i'm not good at being sleep deprived. i'm getting a crash course in it now though and i'm sure it'll continue through all of orientation and probably at least the first week of classes as well. so tomorrow it's bright shiny happy faces and enthusiasm. tonight it's sleeping like a rock for 4 hours.

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearcr at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

tee hee ;)

day after tomorrow, they get here. that's in, like, 30 hours. that kind of frightens me. freshmen. 164 of them. yikes. yikes yikes yikes. it's so weird though thinking about it, because they will be the center of our year. we'll laugh with them, cry with them, eat with them, sleep with the... oh. wait, no, we won't be doing that. man, i'm sleep deprived and i'm getting delirious. fuck it, i'm going to bed. have a nice night.

goodnight, to every little hour that you sleep tite
may it hold you through the winter of a long night
and keep you from the loneliness of yourself
heart strung is your heart frayed and empty
cause it's hard luck, when no one understands your love
it's unsung, and i say
goodnight, my love, to every hour in every day
goodnight, always, to all that's in your heart

goodnight, may your dreams be so happy and your
head lite with the wishes of a sandman and a night light
be careful not to let the bedbugs sleep tight nestled in your covers
the sun shines but i don't
a silver rain will wash away
and you can tell, it's just as well
goodnight, my love, to every hour in every day
goodnight, always to all that's pure that's in your heart

i felt like the world had lost its sway
it's so hard sometimes
then i fell in love with you
then came you
and you took that away
it's not so difficult, the world is not so difficult
you take away the old
and show me the new
and i feel like i can fly when i stand next to you

so staff retreat totally kicked ass. two nights in a house on the beach in monterrey, swimming in the ocean, tequila shots with the girls, getting smashed and oversharing, actually learning names to go with frosh faces, getting to know everyone better, learning something about each and every person on staff, 2am walks on the beach, great kennell quotes, tooooo much chinese food, getting lost in watsonville, "don't you all feel like, oh, i need to go skinny-dipping in the undertow," JP singing songs about everything, the dead labrador on the beach, frolicking...

one fish, two fish, red fish, branner
all quiet on the branner front
branna karenina
supercalifragilisticexpialibranner
osama bin branner
george w. branner
frosh prince of bran-air

fragility

is what i feel right now. vulnerability. weakness. why did i let that get to me? why did i have the unquenchable desire to call out his name as i saw him walk down the hall? why did i, upon seeing that he was wearing that black shirt that i liked, instantly remember the way his body felt to my hand through that shirt? why can i not block it out of my mind? why am i allowing myself to be a victim to his continued emotional abuse? why doesn't he realize how much this is hurting me? why did he do that? why am i so full of questions?

did i really think that i was stable enough to go to school? well, did i really have a choice? but i couldn't have imagined that just seeing his back as he walked down the hall would elicit such a strong response. why did it do that? why do i continue to blame myself for the failure of a relationship that was doomed to begin with?

let me just say that whoever came up with the idea of not dating anyone until you were 100% over your ex was full of shit. i think that right now if i didn't have the emotional support that i have in mr. wonderful, then i'd be a wreck. even more of a wreck than i already am, rather. blahhhhh. i think i'm just sleep deprived. i promise i'm usually happier than this.

mph.

welll.... 12 more hours, and I'll be at the airport. 13 hours and I'll be on the plane. 18 hours and I'll be in California. In 24 hours I'll be busily unpacking my stuff, lofting my bed, tacking posters to the walls and putting sheets on my bed. In 26 hours, I'll be at the RCC welcome. 28 hours until my first meeting with Kennell. It's hard to believe the summer is over, but man, I'm glad it is. I'm having trouble with the concept that I'm actually moving into *branner* tomorrow. Branner fucking hall. Jesus. but not the same Branner as I lived in two years ago - an entirely renovated, new, beautiful Branner. I just can't conceptualize it. And this next week will fly by, I know. Just a week and a half until the freshmen show up, with their bright shiny smiley faces, full of energy and questions. I'll be cornered by dads who want to pretend like they know all the answers but know that they really don't. I'll have to set up a billion and a half ethernet connections, and tell half a billion kids what an ethernet is. I'm going to have to come up with curriculum for a class. I'm TEACHING a CLASS this quarter. Yargh, that seems like so much. But most of all, I have to pretend like I know what I'm doing, and be confident in myself. We'll see how long it takes for me to have my first breakdown. *sigh*

oh. 12 days, 5 hours. :D

god DAMMIT time is passing quickly. I can't even handle this, it's almost frightening. It seems like I just got up and now it's 7pm. I guess it's because I've been so busy the past couple of days getting ready to leave. I leave bright (well actually dark) and early Tuesday morning, so I've only got one more day here. Jeez. I'm having trouble believing it.

I'm almost ready to go though, one more suitcase to pack and I'm outta here. I have to clean my room and stuff too, ugh. But only 2 more nights in this bed of mine, then it's off to dorm furniture. Community bathrooms. Dining hall food. 8-hour (and 1 10-hour) training days. Luanne, Sagar, Mike, Will, Kevin, JP, Alex, Caroline, Britt, Isaac, and Joseph. California weather. Staff retreat. Palm trees. Freshmen. Classes. New Branner. Wow, there's a lot to look forward to... I just hope time stops passing this quickly once I get there.

my mood just took a major nosedive. over nothing. ughhh i hate how that happens.

i think i'm gonna chalk it up to "that time of the month" and try to move on.

15 days, 2.5 hours.

i really like this picture, for obvious reasons - it's the only picture on my computer that has both me and jared in it. but there's something about it that just makes my stomach squirm (in that oh so enjoyable way). something really small. it's this:



i know, it's insignificant. it's just my hand on his waist. but when i look at it, i can remember what it feels like to have my hand on that waist... the warmth, the firmness of human flesh... the way there's this certain energy field that i can always sense whenever my skin is within an inch of his... and i can almost feel it, and i can almost feel his palm resting on the small of my back.

the rest of the picture, whatever. it's a good picture of all of us. but the part of that picture that elicits the gut reaction from me is whenever i look at that hand. it just makes me giddy.

16 days, 2 hours.

caffeine addiction is not something i enjoy. i don't want to be forced to drink a fucking mountain dew every day, what if i get tired of them? i like mt dew just fine, but the fact that it's compulsory now and not just because i want to is kind of annoying. damn caffeine headaches.

the doctor, the bank, wendy's... the excitement just never stops.

i love having a frosty for lunch though... <3 wendy's frostys

i'm trying to figure out what it means when i have dreams with overwhelming negative emotions. i've had dreams where i was so angry that i couldn't control it, and last night i was just so sad that i had no hope of ever feeling better. i don't even remember the plot in either of those dreams, just the overwhelming sadness. i have no idea what it's trying to tell me.

at least i had a dream with jared in it afterwards. that sort of makes up for it.

011110010110111101110101001000000110101101101110011011110111011100
101100001000000110011001101111011100100010000001110011011011110110
110101100101001000000111001001100101011000010111001101101111011011
100010110000100000011010010010000001100011011000010110111000100000
011001110110010101110100001000000111010001101000011001010010000001
100010011010010110011101100111011001010111001101110100001000000110
101101101001011000110110101100100000011011110111010101110100001000
000110111101100110001000000110010001101111011010010110111001100111
001000000111010001101000011010010110111001100111011100110010000001
110100011010000110000101110100001000000110000101110010011001010010
000001101001011011100110001101110010011001010110010001101001011000
100110110001111001001000000110011101100101011001010110101101111001
001000000110000101101110011001000010000001110010011001010111010001
100001011100100110010001100101011001000010110000100000011011000110
100101101011011001010010000001100010011011000110111101100111011001
110110100101101110011001110010000001101001011011100010000001100010
011010010110111001100001011100100111100100101110001000000110100100
100000011001110111010101100101011100110111001100100000011010010010
011101101101001000000110101001110101011100110111010000100000011000
010010000001101100011011110111001101100101011100100010000001101100
011010010110101101100101001000000111010001101000011000010111010000
10111000100000
binary

blaaaargh.

you know, as much as i like ice cream, and chocolate, i just have this thing where i'm not a big fan of chocolate ice cream. it has a funny taste. but, it's still ice cream. yeah.

i have a new favorite movie EVAR.

donnie darko.

i just painted. if you can call it painting if you don't use a paintbrush. it makes cleanup easy if you only use a fork, a knife, a spoon and a chopstick to put paint on canvas. it also produces something that may or may not be allowed to pose as "art". i think it's a statement on modern art - meta-art if you will. art about art, instead of art about life. yes.

weee, i feel pretentious now.

so i figured out my mom's ulterior motives in making such an awesome dinner last night (gazpacho, shrimp with lemon basil butter sauce, and parfait): she wants me to cook tonight. i'm so not a cook. so i'm making all i know how: sushi. and i'm attempting tempura. we'll see how that works out. also making edamame. and i might go out and see if i can find some green tea ice cream but i'm not sure. i'm also trying to decide if it's worth driving all the way to grapevine for sushi ginger or if i should just do without. hmmm... decisions decisions.

man. why the hell am i so hungry? i actually ate lunch. i don't understand how i can be more hungry for having eaten 6 shrimp and a banana and several cheez-its than for having eaten nothing at all since breakfast, like i do most days.

i'm having another hot day. i just feel good today. i'm also unable to stop thinking about sex 24/7. maybe there's a correllation.

i wish i were at burning man.

well kids, the rampant sexual frustration has returned.

i just watched amelie. that's SUCH a cute movie. i'm left with this gooey feeling in my insides. mmmm. it's not often that i really, really enjoy a love story, but that one just turns my innards to goo. <3

well, i was trying to paint a self-portrait from life - but that didn't work out. and then i decided to try to sketch myself first - but that didn't work either. my mom then came in and started taking pictures of me, but i got all self-conscious about being photographed and deleted them all and now the urge to paint has completely evaporated. i guess i'll try again tomorrow. bleh.

i went to the mall and i got 3 shirts and a pair of yoga pants for $40 and a pair of steve madden shoes for $30. woohoo!

confucius say, man with holes in pockets feel cocky all day.

retarded msn compatibility match basically just cracks me up. i love how perfectly i don't fit my zodiac sign.

Capricorn & Sagittarius
They share values like ambition, success, friendship, and intellectual discussion. But the Sagittarian is optimistic, whereas Capricorn is a pessimist. The former works because he or she must to finance travel, recreation, and leisure activities; the latter could spend his or her life at the office. Soon the Capricorn becomes irritated with Sagittarian glibness, which interferes with concentration. And the latter simply realizes he or she is bored! They may travel together for a time, for each is an independent spirit. But they don't understand each other.

kevin: um, yeah, the clitoris, that's uh, hold on
kevin: www.google.com?search=clitoris

i am having a pretty intense falafel craving right now. must... eat... falafel...

bleorgh.

bleh, i'm up much too early today. i got up at 10. that's just... wrongsauce, especially when i was up until like 1am on the phone. today, however, i'm probably goign to finish that damn painting i've been working on for the last couple days (expect pictures soon!) so that's good. meh.

so i have this assignment from my shrink, she wants me to journal for the first 30 minutes of each day. just whatever comes to mind. i haven't been doing it. but recently the first 30 minutes (and sometimes even more) of my day have been highly inappropriate thoughts that don't really need to be written down, much less where anyone else can read them.

and she keeps trying to convince me i have this "false self" that's basically getting in the way of things i want to do. i don't buy it.

Plants, expecially the psychoactive vines and fungi, had a great deal to teach humanity; in fact, if humanity hoped to evolve rapidly enough to eep philosophically apace with its technological advances, the expeditions and postverbal insights provided by psychotropic vegetation might well be its only salvation.
-Tom Robbins, Skinny Legs And All

i just realized that three of my last four posts were made in sexual frustration. and that i haven't posted anything worthwhile in between those posts. that's kind of funny.

wow, i'm kinda horny right now. goddammit.

i think i've figured out my problem. i'm a disappointed idealist.

my mind refuses to remove itself from the gutter today. this is bad.

I caught your radio waves
I caught your radio waves
Will you take a string
Say you string me along
Say you string me along
Say inertia creeps
Inertia creeps and she comes

i keep listening to this song... i'm really enjoying it today for some reason. <3

1 week until the time schedule comes out and i can see if my classes will work out. yay. it's getting damn close to the start of school, and i'm getting all excited. yay.

ok time for more blue october lyrics. this time - Balance Beam, from Consent to Treatment.

I haven't been quite the same,
so sure the story of my life would never change
But in a bright-eyed way, she rinsed out the soap in my eyes,
and wrote a song that I'm about to sing

She's a magnetic girl
That I hardly even know
So this is not another love song
Just a list of things that I should know,
and everyone should know
That...

1. You gotta take it kinda slowly
2. You gotta hurry up and make your move
3. You gotta tell her that she's pretty

and 4. You gotta be the perfect gentelman
When you shake the walls, you gotta make 'em bend
You gotta show her that
She's the balance beam
and I keep falling all around her fairy tale

We took a walk in the rain.
I suggested, she confessed:
"There's a heart nearby to cast the shame."
Stay cool but I'm giddy like a school boy
You gotta handle with care: This is not a toy
Then gradually we touched
And though our clothes were wet, we sat and smiled
I never thought I'd smile so much
The first kiss always says the most

1. You gotta take it kinda slowly
2. You gotta hurry up and make your move
3. You gotta tell her that she's pretty

and 4. You gotta be the perfect gentelman
When you shake the walls, you gotta make 'em bend
You gotta show her that
She's the balance beam
and I keep falling all around her fairy tale

the rodeo was interesting. i had a massive allergy attack followed by the first asthma episode in years. what fun. it was interesting though, watching people ride bulls. you gotta wonder - what sick fuck woke up one morning and said, "I know! we should take a really pissed-off bull, tie a rope around it so that the rope whacks the bull in the privates, and then see if a dude can stay on the bull (only using one hand to hold on mind you) for 8 seconds! Yeah!!"

hicks are weird.

i'm going to the goddamn rodeo today. the rodeo. what the fuck?!??

so i watched waking life last night. that was a good (but definitely strange) movie. i should probably watch it again, and really pay attention this time. it really makes you think though, about how do you know what's a dream and what's reality? i mean, when i'm awake i'm positive it's reality, but i rarely question whether i'm dreaming or not while i am dreaming. i had a few minutes of lucidity last night, but i don't remember whether i was able to do anything with it or not. the premise of the movie is that this guy is dreaming, and he keeps waking up - into another dream - and he seems to get stuck in a loop like that. false awakening after false awakening. i've been there before, but it's usually the same dream over and over, not different scenes like it was in the movie. it's pretty torturous, especially once you figure out what's happening.

so while we were watching the movie i came up with the idea of collective dreaming - where people that aren't necessarily geographically together come together during their dreams and dream the same thing. i know that's a theme from most new age philosophy and stuff, astral projection, etc, but it really would be awesome if it worked. like virtual reality to the nth degree. so anyway someone mentioned the point - how do you know it doesn't happen? maybe it's not a conscious choice that you can make, to dream with someone, but how do you know that you've never dreamed about a person and that person dreams the same dream about you, at the same time? so it theoretically *could* happen. but, if it did, would it just be amazing coincidence, or would it be some sort of telepathic communication? objectively, dreams are just the firing of neurons within your brain, and have no basis outside the body (or outside the brain for that matter). but then again, what are we but moving molecules, firing neurotransmitters, ion balances, complex organic compounds, etc, moving at random? what the hell sort of free will can an overglorified chemical reaction have?

i know i'm having a good day when i look at my arms and hands and see red, blue, purple, green, and white, and when i clean out from under my fingernails and i see greenish bluish purplish gray.

i just painted my first-ever self-portrait. it rules. i might post it but nobody commented about my other painting and that hurt my feelings and now i'm feeling defensive about my work.

i'm having one of those days where i look in the mirror and think, "goddamn, you one fine looking motherfucker."

i like days like that.

rrrrawr. i'm in a decent mood today. not manic, not depressed. not too bad, yo. in other news, i'm allergic to morning. seriously. and i think the roofers are just about done roofing the house behind us, yay! so i can sunbathe in peace this afternoon without having to worry about getting leered at. not that being leered at *really* bothers me, since it is from afar, and it's kind of reassuring to know that strangers think you look good in a bikini, but there's just something ever so slightly unsettling about having roofers stare at you. oh well. di hoom di hoom, di bork bork bork. that's my swedish chef impression. that's fun to say. bork bork. i'm bork bored as fuck. ye know how it goes.

i got cheez-its.

it's official: i'm insane. i've spent the last hour perusing such websites as the UW computer science graduate admissions page, the Berkeley equivalent of the same page, and the gre page. am i seriously thinking about grad school? i can't tell. would i rather just coterm at stanford? i don't know. do i really want to dedicate another two years of my life to academia? how should i know? could i really get into either of those programs? who knows. but - would i want to live in seattle or berkeley? hell yes. do i want to avoid the real world for a few more years, and not have to worry about the shitty job market for product designers right now? certainly. could i eat the GRE for lunch? probably (i hear there's a high correlation with SAT scores).

arrrrrr. maybe i'll just go commandeer a boat in the west indies and make a life of plundering and pillaging. yo ho ho.

yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me. went and saw pirates of the carribbean with andy, lauren, mulholland and gina last night. good entertainment. johnny depp is my hero. he's the best pirate EVARRRRRRR. orlando bloom is a pretty good pirate too. though it should have been rated arrrrrrrr because of all the booty! there is nothing better than swashbuckling. everyone should learn how to swashbuckle. is that even a verb? what the fuck does it mean? hmmmmm....

according to dictionary.com:

swashbuckling

adj : flamboyantly adventurous [syn: swaggering] n : flamboyantly reckless and boastful behavior

sweeeeet. or should i say "arrrrrrrrr."

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

we can act if we want to
if we don't nobody will
you can act real rude and totally removed
and i can act like an imbecile

<3 men without hats

things making me happy today:
-prescription refills (i know, the little things)
-sun-dried tomato and basil tortillas
-diet mountain dew
-cheez-its
-secret plots with people from washington
-james joyce
-friendster
-the fact that it's less than a month until i go to school
-my blue october cd (i know i'm obsessive)
-sunshine

a couple of weeks ago, as i sat in the doctor's office waiting (and waiting) to see her, i read a poster on the wall that was one of those "101 ways to have a fulfilling life" or some crap like that, you know what i mean. how to be happy or whatever. anyway, one of the tips for having a better life was "avoid negative people."

yeah, fuck you too. "negative people" are people too. they have feelings. they don't necessarily want to feel the way they do, and avoiding them will just make them feel worse. imagine how i felt reading that on one of those bullshit posters, suffering from an anxiety attack, waiting to see my general practicioner and talk about depression. i was on the verge of tears as the nurse left to go get the doctor, i didn't need to be reading that fucking bullshit. maybe "be kind to people." or "try to understand everyone and their motives." no, people that you deem to be negative are to be avoided like the plague, because they just generally suck. they're not worth your time.

do you ever have days when you just don't feel like facing the outside for all the money in the world? yeah. i can't tell if i'm depressed today, or if i'm just numb. i think that's it. i don't give a shit about this planet or the people on it right now, i wish everything would just go away and let me sit here and stare at nothing. i really shouldn't let little things dictate my mood so violently but really they do. things that should be nothing work their way under my skin and make me not sad, but uncaring. like my sister fucking blasting the white stripes so loud that there is not a room in the house that is sanctuary from their ear-trauma causing noise that they call music. like never having any email that i care about reading. like painting something that i'm really proud of and having the response from everyone be "oh, that's nice" if they say anything at all. like finishing a book and not knowing what's going to happen to the character in it. retarded shit. stupid little shit that makes me not so much angry, or sad, as just not happy. i don't give a fuck about anything right now.

tell me you care. tell me that i matter to you. tell me that the world isn't as devoid of feeling as it feels right now. give me a reason to feel.

i think i need a hug.

here it is!!!

yay! i just painted a new masterpiece. i'm gonna try to get a picture of it up today... stay tuned.

dreary, dreary day. it's dark and rainy. i rather like it though.

i've listened to nothing in my car except for the new blue october cd whenever i'm driving, and it seems like every time i hear it from the beginning to the end it gets better. it isn't an okay cd with one good song - it's an excellent cd with lots of good songs. go out and buy it. now.

bleh.

last night's blue october show was an absolute triumph. amazing. anyway, here's a rundown of the evening.

andy and i left about 7, drove into dallas, found the place, waited in line. we learned firsthand that "doors open at 8" is always, always a lie. i think the line started moving around 8:15, not too bad, actually. we were in within a couple of minutes, since we were close to the beginning of the line. the gypsy tea room ballroom is a big open space with a stage, and a bar right smack dab in the middle. that was kind of annoying, you'd think they'd put it off in one corner, but there was still plenty of room. we situated ourselves not too far from the stage, but far enough to keep from being crowded while the opening bands were playing.

first up was far star, your average generic local rock band. nothing spectacular, but talented guys to be sure. then, after a lengthy setup period and sound check (i didn't know they could take that long, but whatever) tripp fontaine came out. these guys absolutely rocked. british haircuts, glam-rock pretension, some good music. the lead singer was an excellent performer, and the band was entertaining overall. good stuff.

then, after another setup and sound check (duh)... out came BLUE OCTOBER. fuckin' awesome. they played some stuff from their older album (consent to treatment) first, highlighted by an EXCELLENT version of independently happy (probably my favorite BO song ever). the thing that makes blue october so good is that they're not just generic rock. they have a fuckin electric violin. i think that ownz. anyway, after several older songs they launched into the stuff from history for sale, the cd that the show was a release party for, and which they handed out free at the door. Fuck yeah. (it's an awesome cd by the way, go out and buy it.) a lot of good moving songs. they don't sing about nothing. it's good. they played "calling you" about 2/3 of the way through their set, that song is awesome. the only thing i don't like about it is that it doesn't have that real blue october feel to it - the essence of the band is sort of missing. it's way generic. there's no violin, the lyrics don't have the feel to them that a lot of their other songs do. a lot of their songs have these lines that just kind of run on and use really big words and sound just a little off, but excellent in their own way. calling you doesn't really have that. but it's definitely got the sound to be a radio smash, and hopefully that'll get the boys' (and girl's) feet in the proverbial door. (yeah. the bassist that plays with them live is a chick. i don't think she's on the cd though. but still.)

the first song they played for the encore was "2am lovesick", which i'd almost forgotten about. i have it on my computer but i hadn't heard it in ages. it's an awesome song. "i walk like a burned-out porn star/with aching feet for a car/my buddy had a baby with a girl named Star/makes me appreciate how the little things are." a clever song. it's ancient, it's been around since like 1997. i think only a few people in the room cheered when he announced he was going to play it. i flipped out. made me feel hardkore.

there's something that i can't quite explain
i'm so in love with you
you'll never take that away
and if i said it a hundred times before
expect a thousand more
you'll never take that away

expect me to be calling you to see
if you're okay when i'm not around
asking if you love me
i love the way you make it sound
calling you to see
do i try too hard to make you smile
to make us smile

and i will keep calling you to see
if you're sleeping are you dreaming
if you're dreaming are you dreaming of me?
i can't believe you actually picked me

i thought the world had lost its sway (it's so hard sometimes)
then i fell in love with you (then came you)
and you took that away (it's not so difficult
the world is not so difficult)

you take away the old, show me the new
i feel like i can fly when i stand next to you
so while i'm on this phone
a hundred miles from home
i'll take the words you gave
and send them back to you

i only want to see
if you're okay when i'm not around
asking if you love me
i love the way you make it sound
calling you to see
do i try too hard to make you smile
to make us smile

i will keep calling you to see
if you're sleeping are you dreaming
if you're dreaming are you dreaming of me?
i can't believe you actually picked me

...good goddamn song. i love cute love songs. well, i guess that's understandable. <3

Hey, don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out or
Looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves
when you're away.
It just takes some time,
little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything everything will be just fine,
everything everything will be all right.
Hey, you know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own,
so don't buy in.
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough
for someone else.
It just takes some time,
little girl you're in the middle
of the ride.
Everything everything will be just fine,
everything everything will be all right.
It just takes some time,
little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything everything will be just fine,
everything everything will be all right.
Hey, don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out or
Looked down on.
Just do your best,
do everything you can.
And don't you worry what the bitter hearts
are gonna say.
It just takes some time,
little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything everything will be just fine,
everything everything will be all right.
It just takes some time, little girl
you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything everything will be just fine,
everything everything will be all right.

hey, i know it's trite, but i just heard this song on the radio, and it kind of hits home for me right now. overplayed, maybe, but a good damn song. <3

blue october tonight!!!! yayyyy! i'm so pumped.

library books! weeeee! time for bathing suit, beach towel, diet mountain dew, and poolside reading. now the question is, finish trainspotting, or start the princess bride, or dubliners? or something else? hmmmm... maybe library books should be read inside, and i should finish trainspotting outside, where it might get wet and crinkled.

yummy, books. i considered checking out finnegan's wake in an effort to find books that will last me more than a day, but after reading two pages of it (yes, it took me about 15 minutes) i decided that that's a book you can't really check out from the library and expect to be done with in two weeks. that and you can't just pick it up and casually read it, you have to get hella into it, even more so than trainspotting. so, no stream-of-consciousness irishmen for me today, just scottish dudes who say "cunt" a lot.

duuuuuuuuude. i'm the #2 google result for a search on "good fucking."

lol.

i've noticed something with all the books i've been reading in the past couple of weeks. a good book really infects your subconscious. when you're reading (or have just finished) a really good book, you find yourself thinking like the main character. so right now i'm reading trainspotting, so i'm observing the world through the eyes of heroin addicts with an almost unintelligible scottish dialect. (not to mention experiencing yet another example of "the book is way better than the movie even though i saw the movie first.") it's kind of amusing. i won't attempt to recreate it, but i will say that that's one book that you really have to let absorb into your skin in order to read it, because if you don't, you won't understand one goddamn word they're saying. but on the other hand, i find myself needing to take breaks every so often so that their world doesn't fucking take me over. it's a really compelling book. and i think it'll take me more than a day or two to digest. (yay!) this is important because books have been lasting me an average of a day apiece recently, and i'm not going to be able to afford the habit, even from recycled books in denton. well, i guess there is the library, but for some reason i generally prefer paperbacks. they seem more personal. there's something about the feel of a paperback, and the way you feel like you can digest the book, rather than just read it. if i'm reading a hardback, i want the pages to stay crisp, and the spine to stay unbent. if i'm reading a paperback, i crease the spine, i don't mind if my fingers make the pages warp, and i don't cry if i spill my mountain dew on the text. it's a more interactive reading process that way. it's the same way with used books. when i buy books from barnes and noble, they're sacred. i paid fourteen goddamn dollars for that book, it's gonna stay nice. if i buy a book from say, half price books, or recycled, then it's already been consumed, and i feel like the coffee stains and dog-ears add to the story. and i can add my own without feeling guilty.

i want to curl up under a blanket or a rock and make the world go away

yay, andy just called me and he's going to pick up tickets for blue october! yay yay! i'm so excited.

hung out with nathan and charles and company last night, that was fun. we watched south park. i'd never seen the movie before. highly entertaining. "shut your fucking face, uncle fucker!" mmm, such high-class humor. i think it has the record for most swear words per minute of any movie ever made. and charles made brownies, and they were YUMMIFEROUS, and we had them with ice cream and whipped cream on top. not that squirty whipped cream either, like real, bonafide, whipped cream. literally. charles cuts no corners when he cooks, none of this wussy brownie mix shit, those were from scratch. it was soooo good.

so it's another do-nothing day, i guess. can't complain, really. i'm almost halfway through memoirs of a geisha which is a really good book. i'm thoroughly enjoying it. this is after having plowed through two and a half tom robbins novels, one chuck palahniuk book, and catcher in the rye (twice in a row. i was so depressed that day that i didn't feel like finishing the damn book, so when i read the last page, i turned back to the first page and read the whole fucking thing another time. in one sitting.) in the last week and a half. prolific enough, i guess. i like reading, it's so nice to actually have time to do it.

i keep thinking that i need digitals of my paintings. it's unfortunate that i don't have any except for the one i just did with me, otherwise i'd use my dad's camera and take pictures. but tim has 3, and jamie has one, and the rest are in storage... though i suppose they both have cameras... hmm. i also get the feeling that i'm going to be going through a lot of canvas this summer... but i haven't the foggiest what i'm going to do with the stuff i do this summer. sell it on ebay? i wonder if anyone would pay for it. heh. and it's hardly worth transporting back to school, since i already have two 24x36's and a 36x48 (and a 9x12, i think... no, yeah, i like that one. oh, and a 12x12. jesus. plus all my stuff from art 60 that i like, that i might want to hang. damnit. i need a fucking storage locker, or a personal gallery or something.) that i want to hang in my room, plus my matrix poster, my faithless poster, a couple of other posters, a bunch of party fliers, and all that other miscellaneous shit that i like having on my walls... and i don't have all that much wall space to begin with. meh, i'll figure it out when i get there... decorating my room is going to be so much fun. it'll be nice to have a space of my own, so i don't have to worry about infringing upon my roommates' wall space.

ladies and gentlemen... my thought process. slightly censored.

i just realized something - september will come. and so will october. it's just a matter of taking it one day at a time.

and sleeping in. sleeping in makes days pass quicker.

yay! i bought paints. and canvas. and i painted. and it makes me happy.

i love acrylics. they're so vibrant and fun to play with. my paintings almost always turn out to be some experiment in pushing paint around a canvas, but i like them that way. any semblance of reality is purely accidental. it's almost primordial. the painting i'm half-done with right now has this part that looks kind of like it's underwater, and it's pretty awesome. but the problem is, once i recognize that it resembles reality, if i make an effort to continue that resemblance, i just fuck everything up. so i usually just move to another part of the canvas and paint a huge red blob. or purple blob. or green blob. i love blobs.

That's the whole trouble. You can't ever find a place that's nice and peaceful, because there isn't any. You may think there is, but once you get there, when you're not looking, somebody'll sneak up and write "Fuck you" right under your nose. Try it sometime. I think, even, if I ever die, and they stick me in a cemetery, and I have a tombstone and all, it'll say "Holden Caulfield" on it, and then what year I was born and what year I died, and then right under that it'll say "Fuck you." I'm positive, in fact.

it's august. july is over. i think this is a good thing, because it means that september and october are just that much closer. i'm a fan of the fall... it is to the academic year what spring is to the calendar year: a fresh slate.

i'm depressed again today. i guess my body has gotten over the shock of having 37.5mg of effexor in it, and now it needs more, or something. blehh. maybe i'll feel consistently better after they up the dose on me on monday...

i want comments, yo. i *crave* them. like hillary clinton craves* the white house.

*based on a comment by some conservative fucker i heard on abc news tonight. conservative rhetoric cracks me the hell up. hillary clinton craves power. she's a bloodthirsty little bitch, that's what she is. because she's a woman with political ambition. gasp.

in other news, george bush says that americans should respect homosexuals' rights to privacy**. in other news, the sky is falling.

**no, really.

blaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrgh.

that's how i feel today. guess the drugs aren't working quite as well as i'd thought.

i should so still be in bed.

i had a series of odd dreams last night, probably ambien-induced (let's just say that i think that stuff stimulates one too many serotonin receptors), the first of which involved me moving into a brand-new dorm that wasn't finished yet. i put posters up on my walls, but i remember thinking that i'd have to take them back down again so that they could paint. and my shit was strewn about the room. and i had two roommates; i'm pretty sure one was heather, but the other wasn't lyndsie. i don't remember who it was. and this girl i barely knew from freshman year was next door, and she's the outgoing type, and she kept yelling "i love you, kat" as i passed her door and i had to yell "i love you, jess" back at her. and then my knees stopped working while i was walking through what appeared to be an airplane waiting room, and i had to lay down on this bench that someone who looked a lot like a high school ex's best friend was trying to arrange in a square for some sort of celebration. then i walked (well more like stumbled, 'cause my knees collapsed every step) into the dining room and told my mom what was wrong and she got all pissed, like i didn't protect my knees the way i should have, 'cause they were the only pair i'd ever have, and now i'd need multi-thousand-dollar surgery on them both.

my other dream was more enjoyable.

I am Jack's inflamed sense of rejection.


I am Jack's...? (pertaining to Fight Club)
brought to you by Quizilla

amy lee is fucking hot.

too bad they made her music sound so much like linkin fucking park. it has so much more potential than that.

my sister is listening and singing along to the smashing pumpkins' cover of landslide. i don't know if this is a good thing, or disturbing. i suppose it's good that she has okay taste in music after all, her penchant for the white stripes notwithstanding (please don't assrape me for that, mikeo). and thank GOD it's not the fucking dixie chicks cover of landslide, which makes my ears want to cry, and for which stevie nicks should kick some blond country asses*. i am, of course, still partial to tori's version - i can listen to that song over, and over, and over. i guess i'm just weird like that, 'cause i do that with a lot of songs.

*this doesn't mean i don't respect the dixie chicks - after all, they are ashamed that the president of the US is from texas. amen, sistahs. anyone (especially in the country music industry) that speaks out against george w. fuckwit** deserves my respect. i just don't have to like their music.

**dude. i just used the word fuckwit. i think it's an excellent word, and should be introduced into everyone's vocabulary. fuckwit, and tosser. the british have the best insults ever.

good fucking song by a good fucking local band making it big :D

man, is my mood ever confused right now. it's an odd feeling, being me right now. that's all i'm gonna say about that though.

effexor. it sounds like something from 1337sp34|<, does it not? j00 sux0r, i effex0r. eh well, we'll see how this shit works.

and now for something COMPLETELY different....

i don't blog because i'm a "writer". that's pretty much bullshit. my blog sucks ass, my writing has no creative aspect at all. it's much more of a release mechanism. and i'm blogging less frequently now that i keep a paper journal - which is filled with the same drivel as my blog usually is. every now and then i do get creative spurts, but they never produce anything *good*. it's like the disclaimer on my homepage: "I write shit almost daily. This does not make me a 'writer'." how the fuck are you supposed to punctuate that? is that okay? i got the quotation marks right, aren't you proud of me?

one time, someone i was just getting to know and was thinking about collaborating on a project with asked to see my blog so that he could get to know me through my writing style. i think he described it as "drunken rambling." yeah, pretty much. i'm not fucking awesome like neal stephenson, fucking hilarious like tom robbins, or fucked-up like chuck palahniuk. i just write.

that does not make me a "writer".

p.s. if you want to read stuff that "writers" have written... check out uber.nu. it kicks ass.

why did i let him keep my paintings? i miss them

i know where i wish i were right now. do you?

and i'm at home. sweet, sweet southlake.

dammit.

ps i miss jared.

i've decided i need a blogging interface in the shower, because that's where i do my best thinking. i wish i could remember my exact train of thought. i think it had something to do with the fact that maybe if my parents knew a little more that went on in my life, they would trust me to make my own decisions about people. that maybe i've learned a little about myself in the past year. self-respect. who to trust. who NOT to trust, more importantly. how to make important decisions. and when to get out of situations that are hurting me.

i don't really believe in these things, but my horoscope this morning kind of rang true: "With the sun and Venus in your partnership house, try to resolve problems sooner, rather than later. Blowing your cool and burning bridges will get you nowhere." okay, so it's sort of obvious, but admittedly, i had been considering doing just that - blowing my cool and burning bridges. especially since i have a 5-gallon jug of lighter fluid and a flamethrower five words away.

meh, i don't really feel like finishing that post. whateva. my anger has turned to apathy, and i feel like i'm just being petty arguing this point further. yes, my parents are assholes. yes, i'm their tool. no, there's nothing i can do about it, unless i want to give them the Big Fuck You and striking out on my own. and i don't think i'm ready for that yet. oh well. i'll figure all of this out eventually.

i really can't keep living like this. being under the thumb of my manipulative, power-thirsty parents is really, really getting on my nerves, and i'm about to crack. i'm seriously about to start researching education-financing options that would allow me to just say "fuck you" to them and do whatever i want. i'm fucking twenty years old, i'm not some little high schooler who needs chaperoning. the only reason i still answer to them is because i know they're paying for my education - it's gotten to the point where my need for them is purely financial.

so basically they told me that i can't stay here if i'm going to keep hanging out with jared. well, that was kind of my #1 reason for wanting to stay here in the first place. i've met someone that makes me really happy, and i'd like to keep getting to know him and spending time with him. is that such a crime? evidently, it is. i can kind of understand them not wanting me to go over to his apartment a lot, he's a big scary boy who's full of semen, and i'm going to get knocked up if i spend time in his apartment. even if there are hordes of other people around. of course. but not allowing us to hang out at all, even when i've been home ON TIME both fucking times we've hung out, is a little tyrannical i think. their main objection seems to be the location of our hanging-out, which is more than absurd. sure, he lives in tacoma. that's where he fucking goes to school, he can't help it. and then we went to seattle for ice cream yesterday afternoon. seattle. the u district. i know it's a little bohemian, that's what makes it cool. but what we're doing is so innocent it's almost cute. we eat ice cream together. we kiss. whatever. it's nothing bad in any way, shape or form. we're not fucking, we're not drinking, we're not doing drugs. we're not even setting anything on fire. *sigh*

i'll finish this later...

i guess it's been awhile since i've made a meaningful post, hasn't it. hm. life has been, well, excellent the past couple of weeks. there's nothing that compares with the natural high of that very beginning of a relationship. i've been craving this feeling forever, since i kind of skipped it with my last relationship. and now... yeah. i got it. :D every minute i spend with that boy is one of the best minutes of my life. it's a feeling like no other. *insert goofy giggle here*

okay, so i thought this would turn into a meaningful post. i guess not.

you'll be given love
you'll be taken care of
you'll be given love
you have to trust it

maybe not from the sources
you have poured yours
maybe not from the directions
you are staring at

so twist your head around
it's all around you
all is full of love
all around you

all is full of love
you just aint receiving
all is full of love
your phone is off the hook
all is full of love
your doors are all shut
all is full of love

all is full of love, all is full of love
all is full of love, all is full of love ...

-the death cab for cutie version, not the bjork version
(<3)

man, wouldn't the two on the right be the cutest couple evar? ;)

i don't have a lot of time here (we're about to leave for our cruise) but i just wanted to say one thing:

last night was one of the most amazing nights of my life.

that is all.

i'm home, of sorts. back in the states. but i'm homeless until tomorrow, when i go to seattle... awoei a;owiena;owienaioweniawc. weoivwn. woaiwoawinv iowoweni ocwowe nieon wjowiawniev.

(that's me not being able to speak english.)

random hello from budapest. i come home on sunday, and technically it's saturday now. so so not that long. :( and :) at the same time. you know?

look! i'm alive! and i'm in prague.

what fun. :D

well.... I'm out. See you all in two weeks.

well, one full day now until i leave for europe. i'm in the process of getting everything ready for my trip... got everything set out and mostly packed. it's my room that remains in disarray - so much stuff to throw in boxes, so many things to get rid of...

i dunno. it's over, this year is... and that's a good thing... but it's also sort of depressing. i won't see heather until spring quarter, and she's been my roommate for two years now. it's going to be so weird next year. no roommates... 172 freshmen banging my door down at all hours of the night... a slightly insane old guy living across the hall.....

and this summer... who knows how that's going to work out? i really, really hope i get to stay in seattle (for more than one reason) but i still have no idea whether or not that's going to work out...

hm, no wonder i'm getting thoughtful - it's 4:30 AM.

anyway, if you read this, you better call or find me on IRC or something tomorrow, 'cause it'll be the last time we get to talk before I get back from europe. and the postcard offer still stands, send me your address to my hotmail account.

i love you all.

i hate this time of year.

as a kid in my dorm last year so aptly put it, it's the time of year where roommates turn into mattresses. you never see the ugly green of the mattress if there's someone living there. It goes away when you move in, and once you move out the mattress reappears. It's depressing.

So here I am, in what was once a triple. But now it's just me and two hideous green mattresses.

so this is what it feels like to be giddy. i'd nearly forgotten.

! that's why i didn't blog at all this year. i literally didn't have the time. blogging time to me is very specific - it seems to come at its best in the dead middle of the night. earlier in the year i had someone to remind me when to go to bed. now i don't. i hate to think how many nights i'll spend sitting up doing nothing, blogging, reading web comics next year when i have a single.

it's kind of funny. i meant to go to bed, but i got distracted by megatokyo. that was like 2 hours ago. and then i went and got a mountain dew, and now i'm 257 comics into the series. it's surprisingly good. no wonder people have been telling me for years that i should read it.... heh.

funny how something like that can make me so emo. well, not that i haven't been emo recently anyway (for no apparent reason, no less) but still, the cute little stories that seem to always have tragic endings... it's so counterintuitive for something involving fictional characters, i guess... even if they are computer geeks and japanese schoolgirls.

oh well, at least it's cliche. i can rationalize.

man, i'm back to my good old self again. i've been distracted by relationships for the majority of the past three years, but man, I feel just like the old me again. the me who can relate to fucking ataris and alkaline trio lyrics and who stays up all night reading manga-style cartoons about the guy who just never quite manages to get the girl.

i think it's safe to say that i'm finally over the breakup.

i keep calling it that. "the breakup." but i guess there's not much else i can use to describe it. it was a breakup, and it wasn't just any breakup - it was the first time in my 20 years of life that i've truly had my heart broken by someone that i realistically thought that i had a chance at forever with (and who seemed to feel the same way for so long).

hm, okay, enough waxing poetic. it's 4:20 now. AM.

FINALS ARE OVER! YAY!

heh, random comment to anyone familiar with #bl: i've developed an aversion to typing in all caps for fear of getting kicked by dumbo, even when i'm not in IRC. heh. /me is a dork

Anyway. Now:
Leave for Europe: 7 days
Back from Europe: 20 days
Seattle: 22 days
Alaska: 26 days
Seattle again: 33 days

w00t.