It doesn't seem real that I have to be out of my room in 4 days. Not real at all. I have 4 more nights in this dorm - ever. And I still have so much to take care of - from establishing a forwarding address with the post office to filling out a termination of occupancy card to actually moving out. I wish it were a month from now though, because it is not the moving OUT of branner and AWAY from Stanford that is exciting to me, it's the moving to Seattle. I really can't wait. I think I'm going to set out the week before my birthday, maybe on tuesday or so, and hope to be to jared's house by thursday night. happy 21st birthday, Kat, you can legally drink now. how about spending the night at your boyfriend's parents' house, and meeting them for the first time? sound like fun? yeah, i thought so.

It's kind of bizarre but I think talking to Jared's mom on the phone the other day (for some reason she called me to see if i knew where her son was) eased my fears about meeting her. he says she likes me (it always baffles me how moms can like their son's girlfriends without ever having met them, but it's happened to me before - see entry under mikey's mom and the st. patrick's day socks) and i guess the fact that she called me makes it more likely that that's true. it's weird.

My goals for christmas break: buy a car and get off the effexor. i've been reading about withdrawal symptoms (to see if this weird head- nausea thingie i've been having might be because i've been skipping it - it's probably not, 'cause jared has the same thing, but anyway) and they sound pretty nasty. not looking forward to that. but i'm conflicted. If i stay on it, i won't have anyone to monitor me every few months and see how it's doing. plus, there's that whole annoying no orgasms thing. but if i go off of it, how do i know that i'll be able to function as a person? I've been doing pretty well on days that I haven't taken it - I think i've taken it three times in the last week and a half, and have only felt depressed on one of those days. I need to go to Cowell and pick up a refill on that - i've only got 2 pills left. But it kind of bothers me that the withdrawal symptoms are so pronounced for some people - i'm physically dependent on it, and that rubs me the wrong way. it's kind of like an addiction. and i'm taking such a drastic step in my life to try to beat the depression (since all the effexor has done is make me happy and depresssed, if you can imagine such a thing) and i think it just might work. it would be nice if i had something to fall back on though, access to a psychiatrist that doesnt charge an arm and a leg, so that if something goes wrong i have someone to help me out.

I think it'll be easier overall though being there - for that very reason. this quarter has been really tough on both Jared and I - we've both had our rough spots, times when you want absolutely nothing more in the world than to have someone hold you and tell you that they love you. and we haven't been allowed that simple luxury. and for that reason, i think I'm making the right move - no matter what I'm giving up here, I'm moving closer to those comforting arms, and if things get bad, I'll have him close by, and he can put his arms around me and tell me that he loves me.

wow, what a long and rambly blog.

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