i really just can't quite figure it out. is the fact that i really, really dislike doing work for my classes normal? i mean, most people don't like to do problem sets, but i just can't force myself to do them sometimes. sometimes i wonder if this means that i'm just not like other people here. the other kids here, they seem to be machines. they get things done. they buckle down. i used to be like that, but now i just can't. take the paper that was due like 2 weeks ago that i still haven't started. every time i think about starting it, or try to start it, my brain turns itself off. i've got input coming from all sides of me telling me what i should do, or what i need to do, without any thought to what i want to do. is that the sacrifice i have to make to be a member of society? my happiness? can anyone ever be truly happy? maybe i should move out to the middle of nowhere and live off the land and fuck everyone else. right now i really need someone to be here for me, to hug me, to tell me i'll survive no matter what. because right now i'm really really confused about what i'm doing here, whether i'm in the right place, and what i want to do after i get out of here. the idea of working in the field of engineering makes my stomach turn and my heart sad. but then, will i ever be able to let go of all the things that burden my emotions and be happy? will i ever be truly happy? i really don't know. it's really fucked up. i want my parents to understand. i want the nagging voice they have implanted in my mind about who valid members of society are and do to shut up and go away. i thought my therapist this summer was full of shit when she told me that there was a nagging "mom voice" in my head, but it's yelling loud and clear now. what i want to do is wrong. the only right path is from college to career, following in the footsteps of the Man. there's no room in society for artists. it's difficult to make it as an artist, and i'm not good enough. i'm suddenly starting to see the point of the old lambda nu rcc, who dropped out of school 2 months shy of graduation after seeing the movie "adaptation" and went off to try to be a writer. he's following his heart. so few people actually have the balls to do that. i know, if i leave after this year and don't finish, i won't have a good enough portfolio to get into grad school. i know i don't have enough money to get on my feet, and i'd need help. i also know if i do what my parents think is right and what they want me to do, i won't have a good enough portfolio to get into grad school either. so in a way dropping my cs minor in favor of an art minor, and finishing my product design degree, is sort of following my heart, while still covering my ass. but is covering my ass necessary? probably. i need to admit to myself that i need to finish my degree and graduate. dear god, who ever would have thought this would be so difficult for me? i'm invincible, remember?

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