the rodeo was interesting. i had a massive allergy attack followed by the first asthma episode in years. what fun. it was interesting though, watching people ride bulls. you gotta wonder - what sick fuck woke up one morning and said, "I know! we should take a really pissed-off bull, tie a rope around it so that the rope whacks the bull in the privates, and then see if a dude can stay on the bull (only using one hand to hold on mind you) for 8 seconds! Yeah!!"

hicks are weird.

i'm going to the goddamn rodeo today. the rodeo. what the fuck?!??

so i watched waking life last night. that was a good (but definitely strange) movie. i should probably watch it again, and really pay attention this time. it really makes you think though, about how do you know what's a dream and what's reality? i mean, when i'm awake i'm positive it's reality, but i rarely question whether i'm dreaming or not while i am dreaming. i had a few minutes of lucidity last night, but i don't remember whether i was able to do anything with it or not. the premise of the movie is that this guy is dreaming, and he keeps waking up - into another dream - and he seems to get stuck in a loop like that. false awakening after false awakening. i've been there before, but it's usually the same dream over and over, not different scenes like it was in the movie. it's pretty torturous, especially once you figure out what's happening.

so while we were watching the movie i came up with the idea of collective dreaming - where people that aren't necessarily geographically together come together during their dreams and dream the same thing. i know that's a theme from most new age philosophy and stuff, astral projection, etc, but it really would be awesome if it worked. like virtual reality to the nth degree. so anyway someone mentioned the point - how do you know it doesn't happen? maybe it's not a conscious choice that you can make, to dream with someone, but how do you know that you've never dreamed about a person and that person dreams the same dream about you, at the same time? so it theoretically *could* happen. but, if it did, would it just be amazing coincidence, or would it be some sort of telepathic communication? objectively, dreams are just the firing of neurons within your brain, and have no basis outside the body (or outside the brain for that matter). but then again, what are we but moving molecules, firing neurotransmitters, ion balances, complex organic compounds, etc, moving at random? what the hell sort of free will can an overglorified chemical reaction have?

i know i'm having a good day when i look at my arms and hands and see red, blue, purple, green, and white, and when i clean out from under my fingernails and i see greenish bluish purplish gray.

i just painted my first-ever self-portrait. it rules. i might post it but nobody commented about my other painting and that hurt my feelings and now i'm feeling defensive about my work.

i'm having one of those days where i look in the mirror and think, "goddamn, you one fine looking motherfucker."

i like days like that.

rrrrawr. i'm in a decent mood today. not manic, not depressed. not too bad, yo. in other news, i'm allergic to morning. seriously. and i think the roofers are just about done roofing the house behind us, yay! so i can sunbathe in peace this afternoon without having to worry about getting leered at. not that being leered at *really* bothers me, since it is from afar, and it's kind of reassuring to know that strangers think you look good in a bikini, but there's just something ever so slightly unsettling about having roofers stare at you. oh well. di hoom di hoom, di bork bork bork. that's my swedish chef impression. that's fun to say. bork bork. i'm bork bored as fuck. ye know how it goes.

i got cheez-its.

it's official: i'm insane. i've spent the last hour perusing such websites as the UW computer science graduate admissions page, the Berkeley equivalent of the same page, and the gre page. am i seriously thinking about grad school? i can't tell. would i rather just coterm at stanford? i don't know. do i really want to dedicate another two years of my life to academia? how should i know? could i really get into either of those programs? who knows. but - would i want to live in seattle or berkeley? hell yes. do i want to avoid the real world for a few more years, and not have to worry about the shitty job market for product designers right now? certainly. could i eat the GRE for lunch? probably (i hear there's a high correlation with SAT scores).

arrrrrr. maybe i'll just go commandeer a boat in the west indies and make a life of plundering and pillaging. yo ho ho.

yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me. went and saw pirates of the carribbean with andy, lauren, mulholland and gina last night. good entertainment. johnny depp is my hero. he's the best pirate EVARRRRRRR. orlando bloom is a pretty good pirate too. though it should have been rated arrrrrrrr because of all the booty! there is nothing better than swashbuckling. everyone should learn how to swashbuckle. is that even a verb? what the fuck does it mean? hmmmmm....

according to dictionary.com:

swashbuckling

adj : flamboyantly adventurous [syn: swaggering] n : flamboyantly reckless and boastful behavior

sweeeeet. or should i say "arrrrrrrrr."

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

we can act if we want to
if we don't nobody will
you can act real rude and totally removed
and i can act like an imbecile

<3 men without hats

things making me happy today:
-prescription refills (i know, the little things)
-sun-dried tomato and basil tortillas
-diet mountain dew
-cheez-its
-secret plots with people from washington
-james joyce
-friendster
-the fact that it's less than a month until i go to school
-my blue october cd (i know i'm obsessive)
-sunshine

a couple of weeks ago, as i sat in the doctor's office waiting (and waiting) to see her, i read a poster on the wall that was one of those "101 ways to have a fulfilling life" or some crap like that, you know what i mean. how to be happy or whatever. anyway, one of the tips for having a better life was "avoid negative people."

yeah, fuck you too. "negative people" are people too. they have feelings. they don't necessarily want to feel the way they do, and avoiding them will just make them feel worse. imagine how i felt reading that on one of those bullshit posters, suffering from an anxiety attack, waiting to see my general practicioner and talk about depression. i was on the verge of tears as the nurse left to go get the doctor, i didn't need to be reading that fucking bullshit. maybe "be kind to people." or "try to understand everyone and their motives." no, people that you deem to be negative are to be avoided like the plague, because they just generally suck. they're not worth your time.

do you ever have days when you just don't feel like facing the outside for all the money in the world? yeah. i can't tell if i'm depressed today, or if i'm just numb. i think that's it. i don't give a shit about this planet or the people on it right now, i wish everything would just go away and let me sit here and stare at nothing. i really shouldn't let little things dictate my mood so violently but really they do. things that should be nothing work their way under my skin and make me not sad, but uncaring. like my sister fucking blasting the white stripes so loud that there is not a room in the house that is sanctuary from their ear-trauma causing noise that they call music. like never having any email that i care about reading. like painting something that i'm really proud of and having the response from everyone be "oh, that's nice" if they say anything at all. like finishing a book and not knowing what's going to happen to the character in it. retarded shit. stupid little shit that makes me not so much angry, or sad, as just not happy. i don't give a fuck about anything right now.

tell me you care. tell me that i matter to you. tell me that the world isn't as devoid of feeling as it feels right now. give me a reason to feel.

i think i need a hug.

here it is!!!

yay! i just painted a new masterpiece. i'm gonna try to get a picture of it up today... stay tuned.

dreary, dreary day. it's dark and rainy. i rather like it though.

i've listened to nothing in my car except for the new blue october cd whenever i'm driving, and it seems like every time i hear it from the beginning to the end it gets better. it isn't an okay cd with one good song - it's an excellent cd with lots of good songs. go out and buy it. now.

bleh.

last night's blue october show was an absolute triumph. amazing. anyway, here's a rundown of the evening.

andy and i left about 7, drove into dallas, found the place, waited in line. we learned firsthand that "doors open at 8" is always, always a lie. i think the line started moving around 8:15, not too bad, actually. we were in within a couple of minutes, since we were close to the beginning of the line. the gypsy tea room ballroom is a big open space with a stage, and a bar right smack dab in the middle. that was kind of annoying, you'd think they'd put it off in one corner, but there was still plenty of room. we situated ourselves not too far from the stage, but far enough to keep from being crowded while the opening bands were playing.

first up was far star, your average generic local rock band. nothing spectacular, but talented guys to be sure. then, after a lengthy setup period and sound check (i didn't know they could take that long, but whatever) tripp fontaine came out. these guys absolutely rocked. british haircuts, glam-rock pretension, some good music. the lead singer was an excellent performer, and the band was entertaining overall. good stuff.

then, after another setup and sound check (duh)... out came BLUE OCTOBER. fuckin' awesome. they played some stuff from their older album (consent to treatment) first, highlighted by an EXCELLENT version of independently happy (probably my favorite BO song ever). the thing that makes blue october so good is that they're not just generic rock. they have a fuckin electric violin. i think that ownz. anyway, after several older songs they launched into the stuff from history for sale, the cd that the show was a release party for, and which they handed out free at the door. Fuck yeah. (it's an awesome cd by the way, go out and buy it.) a lot of good moving songs. they don't sing about nothing. it's good. they played "calling you" about 2/3 of the way through their set, that song is awesome. the only thing i don't like about it is that it doesn't have that real blue october feel to it - the essence of the band is sort of missing. it's way generic. there's no violin, the lyrics don't have the feel to them that a lot of their other songs do. a lot of their songs have these lines that just kind of run on and use really big words and sound just a little off, but excellent in their own way. calling you doesn't really have that. but it's definitely got the sound to be a radio smash, and hopefully that'll get the boys' (and girl's) feet in the proverbial door. (yeah. the bassist that plays with them live is a chick. i don't think she's on the cd though. but still.)

the first song they played for the encore was "2am lovesick", which i'd almost forgotten about. i have it on my computer but i hadn't heard it in ages. it's an awesome song. "i walk like a burned-out porn star/with aching feet for a car/my buddy had a baby with a girl named Star/makes me appreciate how the little things are." a clever song. it's ancient, it's been around since like 1997. i think only a few people in the room cheered when he announced he was going to play it. i flipped out. made me feel hardkore.

there's something that i can't quite explain
i'm so in love with you
you'll never take that away
and if i said it a hundred times before
expect a thousand more
you'll never take that away

expect me to be calling you to see
if you're okay when i'm not around
asking if you love me
i love the way you make it sound
calling you to see
do i try too hard to make you smile
to make us smile

and i will keep calling you to see
if you're sleeping are you dreaming
if you're dreaming are you dreaming of me?
i can't believe you actually picked me

i thought the world had lost its sway (it's so hard sometimes)
then i fell in love with you (then came you)
and you took that away (it's not so difficult
the world is not so difficult)

you take away the old, show me the new
i feel like i can fly when i stand next to you
so while i'm on this phone
a hundred miles from home
i'll take the words you gave
and send them back to you

i only want to see
if you're okay when i'm not around
asking if you love me
i love the way you make it sound
calling you to see
do i try too hard to make you smile
to make us smile

i will keep calling you to see
if you're sleeping are you dreaming
if you're dreaming are you dreaming of me?
i can't believe you actually picked me

...good goddamn song. i love cute love songs. well, i guess that's understandable. <3

Hey, don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out or
Looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves
when you're away.
It just takes some time,
little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything everything will be just fine,
everything everything will be all right.
Hey, you know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own,
so don't buy in.
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough
for someone else.
It just takes some time,
little girl you're in the middle
of the ride.
Everything everything will be just fine,
everything everything will be all right.
It just takes some time,
little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything everything will be just fine,
everything everything will be all right.
Hey, don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out or
Looked down on.
Just do your best,
do everything you can.
And don't you worry what the bitter hearts
are gonna say.
It just takes some time,
little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything everything will be just fine,
everything everything will be all right.
It just takes some time, little girl
you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything everything will be just fine,
everything everything will be all right.

hey, i know it's trite, but i just heard this song on the radio, and it kind of hits home for me right now. overplayed, maybe, but a good damn song. <3

blue october tonight!!!! yayyyy! i'm so pumped.

library books! weeeee! time for bathing suit, beach towel, diet mountain dew, and poolside reading. now the question is, finish trainspotting, or start the princess bride, or dubliners? or something else? hmmmm... maybe library books should be read inside, and i should finish trainspotting outside, where it might get wet and crinkled.

yummy, books. i considered checking out finnegan's wake in an effort to find books that will last me more than a day, but after reading two pages of it (yes, it took me about 15 minutes) i decided that that's a book you can't really check out from the library and expect to be done with in two weeks. that and you can't just pick it up and casually read it, you have to get hella into it, even more so than trainspotting. so, no stream-of-consciousness irishmen for me today, just scottish dudes who say "cunt" a lot.

duuuuuuuuude. i'm the #2 google result for a search on "good fucking."

lol.

i've noticed something with all the books i've been reading in the past couple of weeks. a good book really infects your subconscious. when you're reading (or have just finished) a really good book, you find yourself thinking like the main character. so right now i'm reading trainspotting, so i'm observing the world through the eyes of heroin addicts with an almost unintelligible scottish dialect. (not to mention experiencing yet another example of "the book is way better than the movie even though i saw the movie first.") it's kind of amusing. i won't attempt to recreate it, but i will say that that's one book that you really have to let absorb into your skin in order to read it, because if you don't, you won't understand one goddamn word they're saying. but on the other hand, i find myself needing to take breaks every so often so that their world doesn't fucking take me over. it's a really compelling book. and i think it'll take me more than a day or two to digest. (yay!) this is important because books have been lasting me an average of a day apiece recently, and i'm not going to be able to afford the habit, even from recycled books in denton. well, i guess there is the library, but for some reason i generally prefer paperbacks. they seem more personal. there's something about the feel of a paperback, and the way you feel like you can digest the book, rather than just read it. if i'm reading a hardback, i want the pages to stay crisp, and the spine to stay unbent. if i'm reading a paperback, i crease the spine, i don't mind if my fingers make the pages warp, and i don't cry if i spill my mountain dew on the text. it's a more interactive reading process that way. it's the same way with used books. when i buy books from barnes and noble, they're sacred. i paid fourteen goddamn dollars for that book, it's gonna stay nice. if i buy a book from say, half price books, or recycled, then it's already been consumed, and i feel like the coffee stains and dog-ears add to the story. and i can add my own without feeling guilty.

i want to curl up under a blanket or a rock and make the world go away

yay, andy just called me and he's going to pick up tickets for blue october! yay yay! i'm so excited.

hung out with nathan and charles and company last night, that was fun. we watched south park. i'd never seen the movie before. highly entertaining. "shut your fucking face, uncle fucker!" mmm, such high-class humor. i think it has the record for most swear words per minute of any movie ever made. and charles made brownies, and they were YUMMIFEROUS, and we had them with ice cream and whipped cream on top. not that squirty whipped cream either, like real, bonafide, whipped cream. literally. charles cuts no corners when he cooks, none of this wussy brownie mix shit, those were from scratch. it was soooo good.

so it's another do-nothing day, i guess. can't complain, really. i'm almost halfway through memoirs of a geisha which is a really good book. i'm thoroughly enjoying it. this is after having plowed through two and a half tom robbins novels, one chuck palahniuk book, and catcher in the rye (twice in a row. i was so depressed that day that i didn't feel like finishing the damn book, so when i read the last page, i turned back to the first page and read the whole fucking thing another time. in one sitting.) in the last week and a half. prolific enough, i guess. i like reading, it's so nice to actually have time to do it.

i keep thinking that i need digitals of my paintings. it's unfortunate that i don't have any except for the one i just did with me, otherwise i'd use my dad's camera and take pictures. but tim has 3, and jamie has one, and the rest are in storage... though i suppose they both have cameras... hmm. i also get the feeling that i'm going to be going through a lot of canvas this summer... but i haven't the foggiest what i'm going to do with the stuff i do this summer. sell it on ebay? i wonder if anyone would pay for it. heh. and it's hardly worth transporting back to school, since i already have two 24x36's and a 36x48 (and a 9x12, i think... no, yeah, i like that one. oh, and a 12x12. jesus. plus all my stuff from art 60 that i like, that i might want to hang. damnit. i need a fucking storage locker, or a personal gallery or something.) that i want to hang in my room, plus my matrix poster, my faithless poster, a couple of other posters, a bunch of party fliers, and all that other miscellaneous shit that i like having on my walls... and i don't have all that much wall space to begin with. meh, i'll figure it out when i get there... decorating my room is going to be so much fun. it'll be nice to have a space of my own, so i don't have to worry about infringing upon my roommates' wall space.

ladies and gentlemen... my thought process. slightly censored.

i just realized something - september will come. and so will october. it's just a matter of taking it one day at a time.

and sleeping in. sleeping in makes days pass quicker.

yay! i bought paints. and canvas. and i painted. and it makes me happy.

i love acrylics. they're so vibrant and fun to play with. my paintings almost always turn out to be some experiment in pushing paint around a canvas, but i like them that way. any semblance of reality is purely accidental. it's almost primordial. the painting i'm half-done with right now has this part that looks kind of like it's underwater, and it's pretty awesome. but the problem is, once i recognize that it resembles reality, if i make an effort to continue that resemblance, i just fuck everything up. so i usually just move to another part of the canvas and paint a huge red blob. or purple blob. or green blob. i love blobs.

That's the whole trouble. You can't ever find a place that's nice and peaceful, because there isn't any. You may think there is, but once you get there, when you're not looking, somebody'll sneak up and write "Fuck you" right under your nose. Try it sometime. I think, even, if I ever die, and they stick me in a cemetery, and I have a tombstone and all, it'll say "Holden Caulfield" on it, and then what year I was born and what year I died, and then right under that it'll say "Fuck you." I'm positive, in fact.

it's august. july is over. i think this is a good thing, because it means that september and october are just that much closer. i'm a fan of the fall... it is to the academic year what spring is to the calendar year: a fresh slate.

i'm depressed again today. i guess my body has gotten over the shock of having 37.5mg of effexor in it, and now it needs more, or something. blehh. maybe i'll feel consistently better after they up the dose on me on monday...

i want comments, yo. i *crave* them. like hillary clinton craves* the white house.

*based on a comment by some conservative fucker i heard on abc news tonight. conservative rhetoric cracks me the hell up. hillary clinton craves power. she's a bloodthirsty little bitch, that's what she is. because she's a woman with political ambition. gasp.

in other news, george bush says that americans should respect homosexuals' rights to privacy**. in other news, the sky is falling.

**no, really.

blaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrgh.

that's how i feel today. guess the drugs aren't working quite as well as i'd thought.

i should so still be in bed.

i had a series of odd dreams last night, probably ambien-induced (let's just say that i think that stuff stimulates one too many serotonin receptors), the first of which involved me moving into a brand-new dorm that wasn't finished yet. i put posters up on my walls, but i remember thinking that i'd have to take them back down again so that they could paint. and my shit was strewn about the room. and i had two roommates; i'm pretty sure one was heather, but the other wasn't lyndsie. i don't remember who it was. and this girl i barely knew from freshman year was next door, and she's the outgoing type, and she kept yelling "i love you, kat" as i passed her door and i had to yell "i love you, jess" back at her. and then my knees stopped working while i was walking through what appeared to be an airplane waiting room, and i had to lay down on this bench that someone who looked a lot like a high school ex's best friend was trying to arrange in a square for some sort of celebration. then i walked (well more like stumbled, 'cause my knees collapsed every step) into the dining room and told my mom what was wrong and she got all pissed, like i didn't protect my knees the way i should have, 'cause they were the only pair i'd ever have, and now i'd need multi-thousand-dollar surgery on them both.

my other dream was more enjoyable.

I am Jack's inflamed sense of rejection.


I am Jack's...? (pertaining to Fight Club)
brought to you by Quizilla

amy lee is fucking hot.

too bad they made her music sound so much like linkin fucking park. it has so much more potential than that.

my sister is listening and singing along to the smashing pumpkins' cover of landslide. i don't know if this is a good thing, or disturbing. i suppose it's good that she has okay taste in music after all, her penchant for the white stripes notwithstanding (please don't assrape me for that, mikeo). and thank GOD it's not the fucking dixie chicks cover of landslide, which makes my ears want to cry, and for which stevie nicks should kick some blond country asses*. i am, of course, still partial to tori's version - i can listen to that song over, and over, and over. i guess i'm just weird like that, 'cause i do that with a lot of songs.

*this doesn't mean i don't respect the dixie chicks - after all, they are ashamed that the president of the US is from texas. amen, sistahs. anyone (especially in the country music industry) that speaks out against george w. fuckwit** deserves my respect. i just don't have to like their music.

**dude. i just used the word fuckwit. i think it's an excellent word, and should be introduced into everyone's vocabulary. fuckwit, and tosser. the british have the best insults ever.

good fucking song by a good fucking local band making it big :D

man, is my mood ever confused right now. it's an odd feeling, being me right now. that's all i'm gonna say about that though.

effexor. it sounds like something from 1337sp34|<, does it not? j00 sux0r, i effex0r. eh well, we'll see how this shit works.

and now for something COMPLETELY different....

i don't blog because i'm a "writer". that's pretty much bullshit. my blog sucks ass, my writing has no creative aspect at all. it's much more of a release mechanism. and i'm blogging less frequently now that i keep a paper journal - which is filled with the same drivel as my blog usually is. every now and then i do get creative spurts, but they never produce anything *good*. it's like the disclaimer on my homepage: "I write shit almost daily. This does not make me a 'writer'." how the fuck are you supposed to punctuate that? is that okay? i got the quotation marks right, aren't you proud of me?

one time, someone i was just getting to know and was thinking about collaborating on a project with asked to see my blog so that he could get to know me through my writing style. i think he described it as "drunken rambling." yeah, pretty much. i'm not fucking awesome like neal stephenson, fucking hilarious like tom robbins, or fucked-up like chuck palahniuk. i just write.

that does not make me a "writer".

p.s. if you want to read stuff that "writers" have written... check out uber.nu. it kicks ass.

why did i let him keep my paintings? i miss them

i know where i wish i were right now. do you?

and i'm at home. sweet, sweet southlake.

dammit.

ps i miss jared.

i've decided i need a blogging interface in the shower, because that's where i do my best thinking. i wish i could remember my exact train of thought. i think it had something to do with the fact that maybe if my parents knew a little more that went on in my life, they would trust me to make my own decisions about people. that maybe i've learned a little about myself in the past year. self-respect. who to trust. who NOT to trust, more importantly. how to make important decisions. and when to get out of situations that are hurting me.

i don't really believe in these things, but my horoscope this morning kind of rang true: "With the sun and Venus in your partnership house, try to resolve problems sooner, rather than later. Blowing your cool and burning bridges will get you nowhere." okay, so it's sort of obvious, but admittedly, i had been considering doing just that - blowing my cool and burning bridges. especially since i have a 5-gallon jug of lighter fluid and a flamethrower five words away.

meh, i don't really feel like finishing that post. whateva. my anger has turned to apathy, and i feel like i'm just being petty arguing this point further. yes, my parents are assholes. yes, i'm their tool. no, there's nothing i can do about it, unless i want to give them the Big Fuck You and striking out on my own. and i don't think i'm ready for that yet. oh well. i'll figure all of this out eventually.

i really can't keep living like this. being under the thumb of my manipulative, power-thirsty parents is really, really getting on my nerves, and i'm about to crack. i'm seriously about to start researching education-financing options that would allow me to just say "fuck you" to them and do whatever i want. i'm fucking twenty years old, i'm not some little high schooler who needs chaperoning. the only reason i still answer to them is because i know they're paying for my education - it's gotten to the point where my need for them is purely financial.

so basically they told me that i can't stay here if i'm going to keep hanging out with jared. well, that was kind of my #1 reason for wanting to stay here in the first place. i've met someone that makes me really happy, and i'd like to keep getting to know him and spending time with him. is that such a crime? evidently, it is. i can kind of understand them not wanting me to go over to his apartment a lot, he's a big scary boy who's full of semen, and i'm going to get knocked up if i spend time in his apartment. even if there are hordes of other people around. of course. but not allowing us to hang out at all, even when i've been home ON TIME both fucking times we've hung out, is a little tyrannical i think. their main objection seems to be the location of our hanging-out, which is more than absurd. sure, he lives in tacoma. that's where he fucking goes to school, he can't help it. and then we went to seattle for ice cream yesterday afternoon. seattle. the u district. i know it's a little bohemian, that's what makes it cool. but what we're doing is so innocent it's almost cute. we eat ice cream together. we kiss. whatever. it's nothing bad in any way, shape or form. we're not fucking, we're not drinking, we're not doing drugs. we're not even setting anything on fire. *sigh*

i'll finish this later...

i guess it's been awhile since i've made a meaningful post, hasn't it. hm. life has been, well, excellent the past couple of weeks. there's nothing that compares with the natural high of that very beginning of a relationship. i've been craving this feeling forever, since i kind of skipped it with my last relationship. and now... yeah. i got it. :D every minute i spend with that boy is one of the best minutes of my life. it's a feeling like no other. *insert goofy giggle here*

okay, so i thought this would turn into a meaningful post. i guess not.

you'll be given love
you'll be taken care of
you'll be given love
you have to trust it

maybe not from the sources
you have poured yours
maybe not from the directions
you are staring at

so twist your head around
it's all around you
all is full of love
all around you

all is full of love
you just aint receiving
all is full of love
your phone is off the hook
all is full of love
your doors are all shut
all is full of love

all is full of love, all is full of love
all is full of love, all is full of love ...

-the death cab for cutie version, not the bjork version
(<3)

man, wouldn't the two on the right be the cutest couple evar? ;)

i don't have a lot of time here (we're about to leave for our cruise) but i just wanted to say one thing:

last night was one of the most amazing nights of my life.

that is all.

i'm home, of sorts. back in the states. but i'm homeless until tomorrow, when i go to seattle... awoei a;owiena;owienaioweniawc. weoivwn. woaiwoawinv iowoweni ocwowe nieon wjowiawniev.

(that's me not being able to speak english.)

random hello from budapest. i come home on sunday, and technically it's saturday now. so so not that long. :( and :) at the same time. you know?

look! i'm alive! and i'm in prague.

what fun. :D

well.... I'm out. See you all in two weeks.

well, one full day now until i leave for europe. i'm in the process of getting everything ready for my trip... got everything set out and mostly packed. it's my room that remains in disarray - so much stuff to throw in boxes, so many things to get rid of...

i dunno. it's over, this year is... and that's a good thing... but it's also sort of depressing. i won't see heather until spring quarter, and she's been my roommate for two years now. it's going to be so weird next year. no roommates... 172 freshmen banging my door down at all hours of the night... a slightly insane old guy living across the hall.....

and this summer... who knows how that's going to work out? i really, really hope i get to stay in seattle (for more than one reason) but i still have no idea whether or not that's going to work out...

hm, no wonder i'm getting thoughtful - it's 4:30 AM.

anyway, if you read this, you better call or find me on IRC or something tomorrow, 'cause it'll be the last time we get to talk before I get back from europe. and the postcard offer still stands, send me your address to my hotmail account.

i love you all.

i hate this time of year.

as a kid in my dorm last year so aptly put it, it's the time of year where roommates turn into mattresses. you never see the ugly green of the mattress if there's someone living there. It goes away when you move in, and once you move out the mattress reappears. It's depressing.

So here I am, in what was once a triple. But now it's just me and two hideous green mattresses.

so this is what it feels like to be giddy. i'd nearly forgotten.

! that's why i didn't blog at all this year. i literally didn't have the time. blogging time to me is very specific - it seems to come at its best in the dead middle of the night. earlier in the year i had someone to remind me when to go to bed. now i don't. i hate to think how many nights i'll spend sitting up doing nothing, blogging, reading web comics next year when i have a single.

it's kind of funny. i meant to go to bed, but i got distracted by megatokyo. that was like 2 hours ago. and then i went and got a mountain dew, and now i'm 257 comics into the series. it's surprisingly good. no wonder people have been telling me for years that i should read it.... heh.

funny how something like that can make me so emo. well, not that i haven't been emo recently anyway (for no apparent reason, no less) but still, the cute little stories that seem to always have tragic endings... it's so counterintuitive for something involving fictional characters, i guess... even if they are computer geeks and japanese schoolgirls.

oh well, at least it's cliche. i can rationalize.

man, i'm back to my good old self again. i've been distracted by relationships for the majority of the past three years, but man, I feel just like the old me again. the me who can relate to fucking ataris and alkaline trio lyrics and who stays up all night reading manga-style cartoons about the guy who just never quite manages to get the girl.

i think it's safe to say that i'm finally over the breakup.

i keep calling it that. "the breakup." but i guess there's not much else i can use to describe it. it was a breakup, and it wasn't just any breakup - it was the first time in my 20 years of life that i've truly had my heart broken by someone that i realistically thought that i had a chance at forever with (and who seemed to feel the same way for so long).

hm, okay, enough waxing poetic. it's 4:20 now. AM.

FINALS ARE OVER! YAY!

heh, random comment to anyone familiar with #bl: i've developed an aversion to typing in all caps for fear of getting kicked by dumbo, even when i'm not in IRC. heh. /me is a dork

Anyway. Now:
Leave for Europe: 7 days
Back from Europe: 20 days
Seattle: 22 days
Alaska: 26 days
Seattle again: 33 days

w00t.

If you want a postcard from Europe, email me your address to kereinhart at hotmail dot com. (I don't know why I bother spelling that out, it's not like I don't get enough spam already.... blah.) And I'll send you one. If I like you. I promise. :D

hm, the fuckers at blogback made me update my code, and so now all my comments are gone. :( leave me some love, people.

Stay with me for just today and
Let your soul come rest for a minute now
Share your mind if you have some time
I would love to sit and talk to you
I will wait if you ask me to
But I won't stay here forever now
I know your heart can keep me warm
Let me stay

I feel that your eyes won't open
And these dreams, my heart,
I can't deceive them
Maybe the moon will come down and save me
Maybe your eyes will stop me from falling
Oh I'm drowning, yeah
Oh I'm drowning, yeah
Oh I'm drowning, yeah
Oh I'm drowning, yeah

What can I say, what can I do
Is there any way to get close to you
I'll put myself into your shoes and
I'll walk around these streets of yours
It's cold outside where you stay but my
Heart is not far away
So take a breath and close your eyes
I want to hold you

I feel that your eyes won't open
And these dreams, my heart,
I can't deceive them
Maybe the moon will come down and save me
Maybe your eyes will stop me from falling

Oh I'm drowning (Oh I'm drowning don't you
know that I can't lift my head)
Oh I'm drowning (Yes I'm drowning how I
wish that I could catch my breath)
Oh I'm drowning (Oh I'm drowning don't you
know that I can't lift my head)
Oh I'm drowning (Yes I'm drowning and I can't
catch my breath)
You're so close...

When I feel that your eyes won't open
And these dreams, my heart,
I can't deceive them
Maybe the moon will come down and save me
Maybe your eyes will stop me from falling


Oh I'm drowning (Oh I'm drowning don't you
know that I can't lift my head)
Oh I'm drowning (Yes I'm drowning how I
wish that I could catch my breath)
Oh I'm drowning (Oh I'm drowning don't you
know that I can't lift my head)
Oh I'm drowning (Yes I'm drowning and I can't
catch my breath)

Oh I'm drowning (Oh I'm drowning don't you
know that I can't lift my head)
Oh I'm drowning (Yes I'm drowning how I
wish that I could catch my breath)
Oh I'm drowning (Oh I'm drowning don't you
know that I can't lift my head)
Oh I'm drowning (Oh I'm drowning and I can't
catch my breath)

Oh I'm drowning
I'm drowning

-cleveland lounge, drowning

Alkaline Trio

- Bleeder You came to me like a dream The kind that always leaves Just as the best part starts It ends so abruptly And leaves you stunned and naked In your bedroom all alone It's kinda funny how something so soothing Gets interrupted by the ring of a telephone And you broke me like the cigarette That I busted on the day I quit But now that i've been drinking I'm out of smokes and I wish that I had it Woke up to my daily headache And the realization that you are gone Oh my sweet darling happiness You've been away from me all along One thing that I've never said- I'm truly happy in my heart and in my head A lonely liver suspended in liquid You came to me like a dream The kind that always leaves, Just as the best part starts It ends so abruptly And leaves you stunned and naked In your bedroom all alone It's kinda funny how something so soothing Gets interrupted by the ring of a telephone One thing that I've never said- I'm truly happy in my heart and in my head A lonely liver suspended in liquid It's one thing that I never did was smile Missing a case - lacking a lid My heart bleeds for what you never did You never did For what you never did Never did For what you never did Never did, never did, never did You never did, you never did It's one thing that I've never said- I'm truly happy in my heart and in my head A lonely liver suspended in liquid It's one thing that I never did was smile Missing a case - lacking a lid My heart bled for what you never did until now

Goodbye Forever Take your wings outside, you can't fly in here Besides, a purple sky is better soaring for you my angel You're an angel, you little devil As for me i'll stay inside, I'll be just fine and I'll watch from the window Cannot categorize the nature of this sickness A miracle that you're alive Stuck to the roof of my mouth with a staple Remember last April when we saw US Maple? Somehow the singer showed the Fireside exactly how I feel And we say goodbye and go underground Or up towards the sky Up in smoke burnt down to size At least we're still friends, at least we're still alive Take your wings outside, no use for them in here Bad luck to open inside, work like umbrellas Like a broken mirror, it's getting clearer The end is closer than ever before And you'll want nothing more When your head hits the floor And you're lost in the darkness And we say goodbye and go underground Or up towards the sky Up in smoke burnt down to size At least we're still friends, at least we're still alive And we say goodbye and go underground Or up towards the sky Up in smoke burnt down to size At least we're still friends, at least we're still alive

jamie, on her boyfriend's twisted relationship with his (gay) CS professor: "i told him i wouldn't date him anymore if he hooks up w/ cain"

LOL. :D

is the new heading graphic artsy or pretentious? i can't decide.

Someone needs to learn that being woken up before 11AM and bitched at because the printer isn't working and you need it working NOW dammit because your paper is due today, never mind the fact that you and several other people in the house have known the printer has been broken for almost 4 days and no one, not one, has informed ME, the RCC, is not the way I like to start my day.

Oh and also, if you're going to bust in on me and tear me from precious slumber, you had fucking better close the goddamn door when you leave. I'm a-fucking-sleep. Jesus.

Oh, and also, if you knew the printer was broken on MONDAY why did you wait until FRIDAY MORNING to tell me about it, and then get all huffy when I acted tired and asked if I could look at it LATER (as in, AFTER I GET UP) and respond with a "fine, but I know a lot of people have things to print."???? There's only one answer.

You're a whore.

massive attack is exactly what i need to hear right now. it's perfect.

finals on monday. time to buckle down. i will... tomorrow.

it's so close to the end. i really can't say i'm going to be too sad to move out of this house - it hardly holds fond memories for me. in fact, it hardly holds memories at all, given that i barely lived here for the majority of the year. i didn't bond with any people here. i'm ready to get out.

i wish i knew what this summer held for me.......

the world is beautiful

where did all my posts go? *sniff* they'd better not be *gone*.........

oooh, new blogger interface.

Countdown time!
Finals left: 2
Days until:
done with finals: 4
leave for Europe: 11
back from Europe: 24
Seattle: 27
Alaska: 31
Back from Alaska: 38

and after that, summer is open.

aaaaaand... RCC training starts in 95 days.

Wow, this is bordering on the latest I've ever hauled my lazy ass out of bed. I really need to work on this whole "i need a lot of sleep" thing and get myself back down to 8 or 9 hours a night. At the most. Having morning classes next year (which I assume I will) will help with that. As will living in a dorm with 172 freshmen.

I had a dream that my roommates rearranged all the furniture in our room except for mine, and that Lyndsie moved her bed into the closet and Heather turned hers into a couch. And none of our lamps would work, even though we had like seventeen of them. And then I dreamed about stealing some sort of mythical substance that was stored i a Heineken bottle from a grocery store. I walked out with it in my hand. No security guards even blinked. One of them asked if it was "that stuff" and asked if I knew how it was. I told him I'd let him know.

I think I need to stop sleeping. My dreams are starting to freak me out.

More fun - JP's birthday. Yay, happy birthday JP.

It's Monday night. Ugh ugh ugh ugh. Finals friday - ugh ugh ugh. First final Friday, second (last) final on Monday a week from today. Then Monday two weeks from today - EUROPE! yaaaaaaaaaaay!

July 2 - fly to Seattle
July 6-13 - Alaska! Yay!

I don't have a ticket out of Seattle yet. I think I'm just going to stay there for the whole summer. Yay! I'm gonna move in with Jared - I can sleep in Radical Edward's bed. I love kittens.

That may have been the most nonsensical post I've ever made to this blog.

finals start friday.

time for panic mode.

Rope

If you are going to stand up from the chair and kick it as hard as you can in order to send it airborne before colliding with the wall, but would like the chair to suddenly jerk about abruptly in its trajectory and fall to the ground with a disturbing clamor, it is necessary to first tie a rope from the chair to any fixed object, like a shelf. Make sure you use a strong knot-tie on both ends of the rope. Also, see to it that the shelf is properly fastened to the wall, otherwise you run the risk of having the shelf be torn loose from the wall, and the chair will not stop abruptly midair.

i don't know when the last time i laughed this hard at something online was

Branner Hall, room 170 here I come. Yes, that's the room across from Kennell (the weird, old resident fellow) but I think I can handle him. Plus, this room is a corner room, so it has 2 windows. The other RCC room only had one tiny window.

Changes in Branner:

• They renumbered the entire building - it used to be that even rooms were on the right side and odd rooms were on the left. Now, low-numbered rooms are on the right and high-numbered on the left. I guess it makes more sense this way, but it's less nostalgic for me.
  
• The third floor is coed - and has one bathroom. We'll see how this works out - I think I would have been slightly freaked as a freshman sharing a bathroom with guys. But that's the way it's going to be.
  
• There's an elevator. It goes from the ground floor to the first floor on the right side to the second floor. My half of the first floor, however, isn't handicapped accessible.
  
• The laundry room will have 8 washers and 16 (sixteen!!!!) dryers. Best of all, next year laundry will be a flat fee added to housing costs - which means UNLIMITED use of washers and driers. Maybe I'll do my laundry more than twice a quarter now.
  
• 802.11b wireless throughout the dorm, courtyard and dining hall!
  
• They're testing a new system for the outside doors. You either wave or swipe your ID card at a reader and it unlocks the door!
  
• Alex is the first female RA *ever* on the third floor.
  
• New dining hall - they're cooking in Branner, rather than shipping from Manzanita - but they restored the actual dining hall to its original glory. It's GORGEOUS, not sterile like I'd feared.
  
• The courtyard between the lounge and the dining hall is BEAUTIFUL. It used to be run down and shitty, now it's amazing.
  

It's gonna rock. I'm so excited. :D :D :D

* nimble|stonerd cuddles kat and goes to sleep

*giggle*

of course i just randomly got sick today. i love it when that happens. one minute you feel fine, the next minute you've got a bit of a drippy nose, and the next, *wham*. full-blown cold.

t minus 18 days until I leave for Europe... exciting! that means that finals start next friday though - I only have 2 finals, one on the monday after that and one that can either be friday or monday. I'm planning on taking it on friday - though it's a morning final on friday and an afternoon one on monday - but it'd be nice to have it over with so I can spend the weekend cramming for e14. Yeah, that class that's kicking my ass but I haven't tried to do anything about that.

mmm, safety dance. "we can act if we want to, if we don't nobody will, you can act real rude and totally removed and i can act like an imbecile." :D downloaded that video today. hilarious, hilarious shit. :D

WHERE HAS MY MOTIVATION GONE??? I suck.

I need Patrick from 10 Things I Hate About You to show up in my life right about now. Yeah.

i haven't heard that song in ages, but for some reason it randomly popped into my head when i woke up this morning (or, more accurately, this afternoon). Jesus, it's already Tuesday, that's the problem with 3-day weekends. I need to get cracking on that paper that's due on Friday... and all the other shit I have to do this week. It's gonna be a busy one. Dammit.

a friend in need's a friend indeed
a friend with weed is better
a friend with breasts and all the rest
a friend who's dressed in leather

a friend in need's a friend indeed
a friend who'll tease is better
our thoughts compressed which makes us blessed
which makes for stormy weather

a friend in need's a friend indeed
my japanese is better
and when she's pressed she will undress
and then she's boxing clever

a friend in need's a friend indeed
a friend who bleeds is better
my friend confessed she passed the test
and we will never sever

days dawning
skin's crawling
days dawning
skin's crawling
days dawning
skin's crawling
days dawning
skin's crawling

pure morning
pure morning
pure morning
pure morning

a friend in need's a friend indeed
a friend who'l tease is better
our thoughts compressed which makes us blessed
which makes for stormy weather

a friend in need's a friend indeed
a friend who bleeds is better
my friend confessed she passed the test
and we will never sever

days dawning
skins crawling
days dawning
skins crawling
days dawning
skins crawling
days dawning
skins crawling

pure morning
pure morning
pure morning
pure morning

a friend in need's a friend indeed
my japanese is better
and when she's pressed she will undress
and then she's boxing clever

a friend in need's a friend indeed
a friend with weed is better
a friend with breasts and all the rest
a friend who's dressed in leather

-placebo, pure morning

meet me in outer space we could spend the night watch the earth come up i've grown tired of that place wont' you come with me we could start again how do you do it make me feel like i do how do you do it it's better than i ever knew meet me in outer space i will hold you close if you're afraid of heights i need you to see this place it might be the only way that i can show you how it feels to be inside of you how do you do it make me feel like i do how do you do it it's better than i ever knew how do you do it make me feel like i do you are stellar you are stellar how do you do it make me feel like i do how do you do it it's better than i ever knew how do you do it make me feel like i
do

and so now i have not one but two completely inappropriate crushes.

wonderful.

jamie: he overclocks....
kat: and he has sex
kat: i don't get it

yum. angsty alternative. I just randomly started reading my blog from last november - what a different world it was. It's so weird the way life evolves such that we don't really think it's so different from day to day, but slowly phases end and begin... man, i used to be so eloquent in my blog. I wonder if I can get back there.

I think it's not so much unhappiness that forces me to blog, but loneliness, which is entirely a different matter.

So anyway, I'm listening to angsty alternative and reading my blog. On a sunday night that is really a saturday night.

In the words of the amazing strong bad, check me out. no, seriously, check me out.

I am awesome again today.

That is all.

it's been said that i only blog when i'm unhappy.

i started blogging, and look, i'm unhappy again.

things wrong with my life:
1. my boyfriend broke up with me and now i am empty
2. my back hurts like fuck (i think i have a pinched nerve)

empty. lonely.

words just don't suffice.

"losing love is like a window in your heart" paul simon

Branner Staff 2003-04.... w00t!

"Initiation" was hella fun. They blindfolded us in our dorms and drove us around enough to confuse the hell out of us, and then took us to the Gates of Hell, where we finally got to meet everyone. Funny story: At one point JP shared how he'd pissed behind the bushes while Branner was at the Gates of Hell before classes started freshman year, and then it turned into a staff initiation thing. Every guy, and two girls (Britt and I, go us) pissed in the bushes. What fun. =D

I am awesome today.

tim: stop working so much, i'm starting to really miss you.

I'm also thinking of blogging more.

I'm thinking of dreading my hair.

And in other news, Kimball 355 is now a single. Will this be the end of Jamie's virginity? Exclusive report on the 11 o'clock news...

I had the weirdest dream last night. I was wandering around Tim's dorm, I think. I was in this room across the hall from his room that doesn't really exist, that had 3 residents. I didn't think this was weird. I remember my two upper canine teeth coming loose. I couldn't stop wiggling them, either, like a child. Then they got really, really loose, and I had to keep pushing them into the sockets so they wouldn't fall out. I started to wonder if this was a dream. But, I had no way of telling. I remembered from psych class that one way of telling if you're dreaming is to turn a light switch and see if anything happens. If it does, you're not dreaming. So I found a light switch (funny, when I looked for one, I found about four, in the middle of a wall.) and flipped it. Several lights turned on and off, and the alarm clock's face turned to a different time. Dammit, I thought, the light switch did something, so I must not be dreaming. I think it's really weird the level of analysis that I was doing on this dream trying to find that it was a dream, and I couldn't see the obvious signs: my teeth were falling out, one person's bed being on the floor under the leg of another's bed, the room across the hall from Tim's being a triple not a single, finding four light switches just when i needed one... I really need to become more analytical in my dreams.

I've also managed to figure out what the teeth falling out or decaying or being ground away in my dreams means. It means I'm worried about something irrational, I think. I remember falling asleep after waking up at about 9:30 that morning, to discover I hadn't started my period in the night, so I thought I might be pregnant. And then the teeth thing happened in the dream. It's starting to make sense...

well, i'm home. home sucks and is boring.

but on the plus side, TTT came out today, and i'm going to see it in... 3 and a half hours! yay!

i was so about to post a nice happy blog but tiredness has overcome me. my flu-ridden (at least i think that's what this affliction is; it's not a cold, that's for sure, but it's got aches and pains and headaches. just no fever yet. anyway, i digress.) ass needs to get to bed.

goodnight.

HU'S ON FIRST
By James Sherman

(We take you now to the Oval Office.)
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass
of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?! Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone. (Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

i'm blogging from a wireless connection! beautiful!

I finally bought an 802.11b card. They were at Fry's for $50 with a $30 mail in rebate - not bad, not bad at all. so yeah, exciting. yay wireless. yay!

my boyfriend is interviewing for a Real Job. like, a post-graduation full-time position. in richmond, virginia.

am i getting old?

dude, so i just updated (mostly removed old stuff) my website. weird.

not much to blog about. partied in oakland on friday night, that was fun... slept a lot this weekend, like always... painted "passion" tonight. i don't quite know if i like it yet, but i'll figure that out later. i need to get off my ass and make an online portfolio of my shit... spent fuckloads of time with tim, like usual, which i love. god, i'm so in love. it's pathetic.

"i'm sleeping later, waking later, eating less and thinking more" -everything but the girl

weirdo.

colin, on military training for sex: "i haven't gotten around to finishing the deed yet, but if it ever comes to that, i'll know what to do."