well, it's time to head out... catch you all on the flip side... when i'm back in pacific time and sunny palo alto...

it's hard to believe spring break is almost over, when it feels like it's just started. it's too bad this vacation isn't long enough for me to get sick of home and want desperately to go back. well, i do want to go back, of course, but right now, just lazing around the house is not bad at all.

last night, nathan called around 5 to say he was in town unexpectedly. what the hell? evidently when he found out that i couldn't come down and visit this weekend he decided to hitch a ride up for easter weekend and hang out. a most odd move on his part, i must say. anyway, we hung out for awhile, saw Death to Smoochy, which was quite an entertaining flick. *shrug*

i started this post about 3 hours ago and then the internet went out, so i don't remember where my train of thought was going. which sucks. oh well.

sigh. another hectic spring break day. hmm, interesting that i started my last post with an exact opposite remark.

today was really long. it started when jamie and i went up to the high school for a campus chat. we had about 6 people total come visit and find out about stanford.. but it was still fun. between lunches we wandered the halls and talked to teachers and kids. it was a good time. i saw a bunch of my friends, which was cool. the interesting part of the visit was when georgette came up to me and told me a sad story about tyler not wanting to go to prom unless he had a date that was a really good friend with him. she said that he'd mention how cool it'd be "if kat could come down"... so she asked me if i could do that. i doubt it'll happen, but hell, if she could like take up a collection from their group of friends ("fly kat down to prom!") and pay for more than about half of my ticket i'd be game... oh, but wow, i'd forgotten how hard that poor kid was crushing on me. he seemed positively delighted to see me. i went to the band banquet with him last year, and he seemed to be soo excited to be in my company the whole night... who knows. i feel bad for him for not having a date, but it's really not my problem. nor is it my prom. if it costs me less than $100 i could do it, i suppose.

i just got home from work. the whole time i was there i was thinking about how much i should blog the thoughts that go through my head while i'm there. it's too bad they're gone by the time i get back... the only one i can think of right now is something like this. "Oh, this song. ... I haven't heard this song in awhile. ... not since i was working here last year. ... oh, this song is by celine dion. ... oh, i remember now, it's a good thing i haven't heard this song in awhile. ... gaaah, make it stop! i don't care about what you're whining about right now celine! fuck off! aaauuughh!" mmmm, yeah that's me thinking at work.

tonight is carrie's band concert... it's in fucking birdville. i don't want to ride down there. gaah. :P oh well. i suppose i can deal. it's just that i'm missing jamie's mom's cooking, which is really good, so it sucks that i'm missing it. mmm. oh well, i suppose i'll survive.

now, after having stared at computer screens for the past 3 hours, i think i'm going to go somewhere where i don't have to look at something less than 2 feet from my eyes. i doubt i'll be online much tonight due to band events and will coming home... a good thing for my poor eyes, i'm sure (i left my glasses at home.. i'm totally wearing them now, but earlier was hard on my eyes so i need these now. gaah.) okay, enough blog. eyes rest time now. :P

mmm. another lazy spring break day. the weather has warmed up a bit, which is def. nice. it was too damn cold the past few days... it should be more than 44 in texas in march. *shrug* oh well. at least i'll be out of here in another 4 days or so.

today was a pretty good day. i got up pretty late and went out to lunch with jamie and her mom and my mom. we went to the classic cafe in southlake, which was pretty good. it was cool to hang out with them. tomorrow jamie and i are going up to the high school to do a campus chat, where we basically sit there and talk about how wonderful stanford is to anyone who will listen. that should be fun - get to harass the guidance counselors and old teachers, etc. yaaaaay.

after lunch i went over to work again... made some cash... that's good. good stuff. fun. yay. (: after work mom and i went shopping - bought 2 new pairs of shoes, one for $65 and one for $3.50. the expensive ones are most badass. they're red leather, and my mom describes them as looking like bowling shoes. i think that's a silly description, and thought they looked more 70's... but those who were around in the 70's disagree with me. whatever. they're cool shoes. the cheap ones were good old old navy flip-flops. yaaaay! i needed a pair of black ones, anyway. that was exciting.

hm. not too much else is going on around here. had yummy sandwiches for dinner. it's being a nice relaxing vacation, which is totally what i needed after that last week... finals... aaaack. :P hopefully next quarter will be better. though, honestly, i'm in no hurry to get back to the grind. i wish spring break were long enough for me to get sick of my family before going back... the 17 units i'm taking next quarter will be more than painful enough. *sigh* though i do love california... and i feel like the classes i'll be taking (other than my shitty-ass pwr assignment) will be interesting.

i think i may need medication, i'm listening to and downloading shitloads of incredibly happy pop. i mean hanson and britney spears. i wonder if this is a serious problem that will require medical attention or if i'll be okay in a few hours...

so i finished the other template for blogskins. go over there and check it out! blogskins.com my skin is called "rivendell". sign up for an account and rate the skin! (don't leave comments that say "hi kat" or anything like that though... only legit comments will be appreciated. :)

yaaaay!

hmm. so the redesign seems to be done. anyway, if you have any gripes/ comments/ suggestions/ random thoughts, comment it up.

yeah, i think i like this version better. it's kind of rivendellish. not quite ethereal enough to be lothlorien... that's got more greys and misty colors. then again, rivendell is an autumn place, i feel, so perhaps this like, what rivendell was like a couple hundred years ago. anyway, i feel like it stimulates my creativity a bit more than the last incarnation. (:

ahh, time to start working on the redesign... look for a completely redone version coming this week! yaaaaay! (:

hm, it's odd that i don't feel much like blogging here at home. *shrug* perhaps it's the allergies. (i'm allergic to my house. or my cat.) :(

ah, home again. or shall i say "in texas again." yes, i shall say that.

ah, in texas again.

it's kind of funny - i actually feel a bit like courtney love right now. i just got back from lasertagging with a bunch of guys and genny. i'm wearing my tough bitch parachute pants and a black tank top. i bought a 50 cent bracelet from a vending machine which is faux leather with studs. i don't give a fuck. i'm having a beer.

it's funny how just having a beer makes you feel bad ass. 'cause i definitely feel bad ass right now.

ooh, thunder. there is a thunderstorm outside.

i hope i make it to the airport tomorrow.

Which Rock Chick Are You?

song of the moment: "get me away from here, i'm dying" by belle and sebastian (hmm)

ah, last day before spring break. finished up my finals yesterday evening and then spent the rest of the night chilling with becky and jamie, and then hanging with mike. becky and jamie and i ate at stern and ended up talking in jamie's room until about 10. then mike and i got pearl milk tea (mike decided to try the "green bean tea", which is most odd... it actually has little green beans in it. in addition to the pearls. it's weird, dude. weird.) and rented movies. we watched High Fidelity and 10 Things I Hate About You. Actually I fell asleep halfway through 10 things (bad kat!), but he finished it. that seems to be a common theme... we watch a movie and i fall asleep halfway through, and he finishes it. hehe. perhaps if he weren't so warm and cuddly, it wouldn't happen...

anyway, tomorrow i go home. it'll be a full day of transportation, because i'm taking the caltrain. that means i need to catch the 10:01 caltrain out of PA which means I need to either leave branner around 9:20 with all my shit, or find someone to drive me up there (which would be most nice). hopefully if i have to walk it won't be raining like it is today... that would be miserable. :( anyway, though, it's spring break, and in, oh, 20 hours, i'll be "home". that's a comforting thought.

actually, i'm not looking forward to being home as intensely as i was during the week, while i was going through hell. winter quarter sucks the life out of you, i'm convinced. it's not a healthy time period. compound that with 19 units of which 5 are math 51 and you have a formula for disaster. fortunately, i think i escaped absolute fucking hell, and should have above a 3.0 for the quarter, which is good. next quarter should be entertaining, too... me101 and pwr and ihum and japanese == a masochist's paradise.

yeah, so my past few posts have been a bit discombobulated, but that's to be expected, considering the academic hell i've been living in... thank god it's over. now i just wish there were something going on on campus tonight... nothing whatsoever. it's dead. i'm going laser tagging with a bunch of guys from the 3rd floor later, which should be entertaining, and get my mind back together by being completely mindless. blah. i'm dead.

god, do i ever need this week off.

"your hair is everywhere, screaming infidelities..."
-dashboard confessional

and now, in the egotist category: i am the most famous kat blog on the internet! yaaaay! (:

i really like balconies. they're a really neat concept. a little bit of outdoors without going downstairs. plus, you have a really great view of what goes on around you, without what's going on around you having a really great view of you. for instance, from my balcony vantage point i watched four brannerites play a friendly game of catch, and even watched one of them accidentally overthrow the ball and hit a car. i could see what they could not, namely, the baseball-sized dent in the car's hood. i thought that was cool.

i have a japanese final tomorrow morning at 9:30 am. that's early. before that, though, i'll need to study a whole lot. that sucks.

for some reason i feel strangely fine, even though i have a math exam in about 2 and a half hours, and i know relatively nothing about said math exam. i nearly had a breakdown earlier today, while working on my paper, but for some reason, having turned in my paper has lifted a great weight from my chest and now i am no longer concerned about math. which is probably a bad thing. i need a nap, really. or else caffeine. or a combination of both. if the exam is at 7, then i should eat dinner right at 5:30 and cram afterward. it's doable, definitely. ah, math. how do i loathe thee? let me count the ways...
1, 2, 3.14159....... which reminds me, i've discovered a new irrational number that i love: the golden ratio, 1.618... *shrug* perhaps i need sleep. or caffeine. or to study for math. yes. study for math time now.

new screenshot. the dark figure in the pic is my sister. my dad took the shot at white sands, new mexico... where they went on their spring break while i sat here studying.

googlebombing is fun. and i vaguely know adam mathes, who is mentioned in the article. and he probably vaguely knows me.

yaaaay!

silicon valley kicks ass.

Can we talk about how much I love living here? this place never ceases to amaze me. i walk down university avenue without even appreciating its amazingness. it's a beautiful place. and it's the epicenter of this revolution that is going on *right now*. the recovery is in progress. i will be in the middle of it. i never want to leave this place. it's amazing.

mike and i went into palo alto this morning to get bagels, and we walked up and down university. i've actually started to notice the comeback that the newsweek article mentions - the cool little circular store that's been empty for months is now becoming a store. it's got badass office chairs in it. (*drool*... yes, i'm a product design major)... anyway, yeah, i love palo alto.

despite the fact that university avenue has like 7 oriental rug stores. how the hell can one street, five blocks, support 7 oriental rug stores? they must be a front for some sort of shady underground operative.

most bizarre dream last night... very discombobulated. things it involved: me, people from my high school, people from branner, a train (i think), me attempting to do pirouettes, (and, strangely enough, succeeding), some guy asking me in japanese whether the amazon river was longer than china, me answering: "anoo, shichiji han goro yo." (it's about 7:30), some guy grabbing my ass, and the realization that i was not indeed wearing any pants. also involved was me trying to pour several things full of coins into a box about the size of a deck of cards, noticing that some of the coins were blue and red and gold, the decision that these must be MTV2 coins because they were colored, and me wandering a mall, walking into an electronics store to grab kevin christopher because i'd lost him (i think he was my brother in the dream) and having sagar (who seemed to work at the store) tell me he'd gone through the gloves (yes, gloves at an electronics store; it was quite the selection) and hadn't found any i'd like. i also seem to remember giving people the finger a lot. everyone kept making fun of me.

hmmm....

now, if only i could write my paper that quickly and easily. :P

uuuf. why does wilbur food always disagree with me? uggghhh.

this baffles me. why on earth do people need books to tell them how to blog? isn't blogging as instinctive as breathing? or perhaps that's just me.

winner: mike. See his lucky screen shot here.

who will it be, who will it be now? looks to me like i'm going to hit 10000 visitors today... whoever it is will get a special prize! take a screenshot of the counter reading 10000 and send it to me... yaaaay! (:

My tea's gone cold, I wondering why
I got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window
and I can't see at all
And even if I could it'd all be grey,
but your picture on my wall
It reminds me
that it's not so bad, it's not so bad

I drank too much last night, got bills to pay,
my head just feels in pain
I missed the bus and there'll be hell today,
I'm late for work again
And even if I'm there, they'll all imply
that I might not last the day
And then you call me and it's not so bad, it's not so bad and

I want to thank you
for giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you
is having the best day of my life

Push the door, I'm home at last
and I'm soaking through and through
Then you handed me a towel
and all I see is you
And even if my house falls down now,
I wouldn't have a clue
Because you're near me and it's not so bad, it's not so bad

I want to thank you
for giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you
is having the best day of my life.

-thank you, dido

wow, this color scheme is really getting on my nerves. i'm so much more of a subdued person than this. :P eh, i have spring break to do just that... yaaaay!

i had an interesting experience when i dropped by the post office on my way back from the gym. for some reason something prompted me to go back around the front of the post office rather than going around back like i usually do, and while i was scootering along, i saw a guy checking his mail who, from the back, looked identical to karl. hair, flannel, pants, build, height... everything. it kind of frightened me. forced me to think about him, definitely. which i honestly haven't done much of in the recent past other than "oh yeah, there was that kid, and that year, eh, it's behind me, we make mistakes, yeah." maybe just seeing his image there was kind of a realization that maybe it wasn't time wasted. maybe i loved him. and maybe there was a reason for it. i mean, he was a nice kid, though a little devoid of personality, and the time we had together was definitely enjoyable... but i also had the realization that i will probably never see him again. he goes to his school, i go to mine. perhaps he still has the ambition of cooping at and working for nasa. in houston. he'll probably end up either somewhere in the midwest or in texas. i'm going to be a product design major. i'm going to stay in silicon valley, because i love it here. maybe i'll work for apple or someone. who knows. it is extremely unlikely that our paths should cross again. and that almost seems like a shame. *shrug*

on a related note, we discussed in ihum section the other day about how achieving goals is like living in the past. you set a goal for yourself in light of your present values and ideas and desires, and if you achieve that goal, you're still living in the ideas and values and desires that you had say, five years ago, and you haven't really progressed at all. that's my random depressing thought, thanks to ihum, for the day.

weeeeird. i can't handle that.

happy pi day everyone!
me on 3-14: Aladariel (1:59:26 AM): i love pi!
yaaaay!
And from Kathy: YAY!!!!! YOU'RE THE FIRST PERSON TO TELL ME!
surprising, considering I'm on the west coast and therefore 3 hours behind her... but I rule.

now, time to prepare for my japanese interview. it's too bad that i didn't wake up speaking japanese today... i'd be all prepared for the interview this morning and everything... ah well. going to prepare now. but first, random context-free quotes from our happy pi day chatroom this morning.

Me: fuck you
Eric: that's...somebody else's job
Joel: ::raises hand::
Eric: uh
Mike: ::slaps joel::

new screenshot. yaaaaay!

so, i have almost 3 pages written on my 8 to 10-page paper due on monday. i'd say i'm doing pretty damn well. if i can get the thing written by the end of the week, then i can edit on the weekend... and have an ass-kicking 9-page paper to turn in on monday.

also to do tonight: math51 problem set and a review sheet about Sappho for IHum. I feel okay. I'm good. I'm on top of the end of this quarter. Except in math. i'm going to die in math.

oh well. not at least until after "dinner."

ahh, i just can't bring myself to do the math problem set. it's not due until thursday, but i really need to get it out of the way soon. it's amusing how i wrote out a schedule for myself for tonight, failed to leave myself any free time, and ended up not following any of it. life is funny that way.

the food in the dining hall has regressed to the point where i'm subsisting entirely upon spinach salads, soy milk, french bread, eggs, and dessert. and sometimes, not even the eggs, because they look nasty. you know, when they're not really so much egg-shaped, that's not so appealing. anyway, i don't know if it's that the food has gotten worse or if we have gotten disillusioned with it. it's to the point where i honestly dream of next year and having an open kitchen. (last night i dreamed about toyon eating clubs. in japanese. i kid you not.)

i got a package from mommy today in the mail! it was exciting. it included 2 tank tops similar to the ones i have that i love so much, but with thicker straps and a v-neck - i guess that's this season's look - and a pair of flip-flops. the super-cool part was that one of the tanks and the flip-flops are precisely the color that i decided is my favorite last night. (see also: the lid of my laptop, my cellphone cover, my prom dress, my fingernail polish, my happy fuzzy sweater.) also there was a Discover magazine and some funnies and some easter eggs for me to open during finals. how cute of my mom. (: almost starts to make up for the fact that they're in new mexico skiing right now... dammit. :P

i'm a terrible advisee. i never go see my advisor. i know what classes i want to take without consulting him. i'm lazy. i hope i don't, as a paa next year, get any advisees like me. :P

ok, off to do more un-studying... joel's dorm, then the apple store in PA and pearl milk tea! yaaaay!

this morning, i woke up speaking japanese.

good old fashioned blog post.

it's dead week. which doesn't mean that there is nothing to do, no classes to attend, etc, because it's time to study. no, actually, at stanford this means that you die. because all the teachers load you up with assignments, like 10 page papers and problem sets and homework. it's a great time of year.

so i'm pretty much drained, physically and emotionally. last week took a lot out of me, and even though there's been a weekend between then and now, i'm pretty pooped. i just want to shut the world out for about a week and ignore everyone but myself. well, i suppose that's what spring break is for. i think i'll spend that one in my room, with headphones on, playing computer games. or perhaps designing my new blog template.

also one of those random urges i got the other day was to take up jewelrymaking. earrings out of silver wire and shit. also perhaps like, making big chunky rings out of silver and machining them until they are really pretty. it's too bad stanford doesnt' offer a jewelrymaking class, and also too bad that i didn't get off my high ap horse while i was in high school and take the damn course. that would have been pretty fucking cool.

so perhaps i'll do some of that over spring break. yeah. and sit in my room with headphones on. and shut out the world.

mmm, that will be a nice break. it's too bad that i have a week of death and a week of finals between me and it. :P

i have a package waiting for me at the post office. yay!

"tuesday's coming, did you bring your coat?"
"i live in a giant bucket!"
-rejected

disclaimer: i do not have any f*cking p*ctures from m*t*v spr*ng br*ak unc*nsored!!! god dammit! i don't know how my blog keeps turning up visitors from this search, but if this is you, try putting quotations around them, that way you won't turn up sites that happen to have those four fairly common words. i'm sorry. those pictures are not here. try somewhere else. (all the asterisks are to keep those words from causing even more hits. :P god, google is way too thorough.)

hmm. well, the graphic works in my edit blog window. anyway, that's supposed to be arwen. :P

mmm, time for a silly fun personality test result posting.

What LoTR Character Are You?

You are most like Arwen. Calm and reserved, you are not given to sudden outbursts. You conduct yourself with dignity...most of the time. The rest of the time you cut loose and are totally cool. You don't really think of yourself as popular, but plenty of people like you. You are not given to needless flirting. The right person will come along some day, and you are content to wait.

anyone surprised? (:

yaaaay! added a google search panel to the bottom of my page. this should provide hours of entertainment. actually, it's more for the visitors to my site who get here from google and since it's not a static page, they can't find what they're looking for.

i had a nice, ass-long nap this afternoon. it was wonderful. i had a dream that we "borrowed" a really nice vintage ford explorer limo from ben savage (um, ok) and traveled cross-country in it. when we tried to return it we ended up eating in the savages' "dining room" and his mother kept trying to bring us things like dom perignion and kobe beef. evidently it was a restaurant. when she offered to bring around some caviar, my dad got this really sick look on his face and said "i have to go. i'm not feeling well." and took off. then i realized that was a good idea. anyway, we tried to get our shit out of the car and ourselves out of the room the car was in (which was not the garage, but morphed from a dining room to a bedroom across the hall from ben's room...) before they realized that we'd borrowed the car. i found my keys in between several layers of window panes and then took off running. fortunately i was wearing workout clothes, so it wasn't obvious that i was trying to escape. then i woke up, just in time for dinner.

i hope i can hold off my impending breakdown until after 3:45. it's coming though... e.t.a. approximately 2:00. fuck.

anyone have a car and want to drive me to ihum section?

the weather today was beyond belief. it was a gorgeous sunny day, but it poured down rain the whole day. it was just too much to handle. the bright sun reflecting off the wet world made it seem lighter than any other day. it was amazing. i love california.

mmm. interesting coloration changes going on here. i'm not sure how well i like this one... but i think i'm gonna let it stand until spring break. stay tuned, however, for the next incarnation: the lothlorien theme. lots of deep greens and bright greens, some yellow, some brown... perhaps some good tree graphics, some blue-turquoise thrown in there for a magical look. might require some... graphics... perhaps i'll get photoshop from daddy when i go home. yaaay pirated software! (:

my life, next quarter, most likely:

	monday	tuesday	wednesday	thursday	friday
9	pwr		pwr		pwr
10		japanese		japanese
11	japanese	ihum	japanese	ihum	japanese
3:15		me101		me101
6:30		ihum		ihum

maaad mad html skills. i rule.

yeah, i'm working on it. i'm not so much enjoying the minty background, but i didn't like it all white... anyway, opinions? i also think that maybe the links are hard to read. anyway yeah.

hmm. i can't convince myself that i don't deserve today off of math as well. well, i need to write my ihum paper. so yeah, i don't need to go to math.

i have tickets to go see kevin smith speak on thursday. that should be good, and funny. the cool thing is that jerry yang is coming to "branner presents" on thursday... he used to live in branner. (cofounder of yahoo). so that's gonna be my off-the-hook famous people day. it should be cool.

i have too much shit to do this week. aaack.

when i'm stable long enough
i start to look around for love
see us reaching for a prince
my mind begins the orange mess
but when i start to feel that pull
turns out I just pulled myself
she would never go with me
we're not all that's good on earth

i'm dumb she's a lesbian
i thought i had found the one
we were good as married in my mind
but married in my mind's no good

pink triangle on her sleeve
let me know the truth
let me know the truth

might have smoked a few in my time
would never thought it was a crime
knew the day would surely come
when i'd chill and settle down
when i think i've found a good old fashioned girl
then she put me in my place
everyone's a little queer
oh, can't she be a little straight

i'm dumb she's a lesbian
i thought i had found the one
we were good as married in my mind
but married in my mind's no good

pink triangle on her sleeve
let me know the truth
let me know the truth

-weezer, pink triangle
(funny song. :)

I have a love-hate relationship with my body. i don't know why. i always figured i would be the last person in the world to feel fat, or to wish i weighed less, or had less of a tummy. it's only recently that this has developed - in the last 3 or 4 months. a big part of this is probably living in a dorm (read: a breeding-ground of eating disorders). the food is starchy and full of carbohydrates, and the girls are thin. combining these two is lethal to the self-esteem of every female within.

i try to rationalize this sort of thing. i go between periods of thinking "i should just be anorexic, that would be easier. my clothes would fit, and i would look hot." and "fuck it. i don't need to be persuaded by peer pressure and the media to feel as if i am not beautiful. i am perfectly fine. i am perfect." this dichotomy is hard on a person. i know that i am not too fat, but i wish that this little fat deposit on my stomach would go away. however, rationalization doesn't always work. i can't reconcile my two armies.

i look at a picture of myself, taken in mid-october, in which my stomach is exposed. and i cry. i really do. i notice that i was wearing the jeans that i tried on yesterday to no avail. the only other pair of pants that i thought i owned that fit. in the picture i am wearing these pants, and they are loose on me. today i can't wear them.

the clincher, however, is the way when i stand profile to the mirror and look at myself, my stomach sticks out farther than do my breasts.

i live in two worlds. the magazines, the pants, the mirror, all tell me one thing, while logic tells me another. i don't know what i can do. but really, wouldn't it be nice to own more than one pair of pants that i can wear without watching my stomach spill over the waistband?

why did i eat 14 girl scout cookies earlier today? do i want to be fat?

why does attempting to write an ihum paper launch me into a body image spiral? I had better work.