'cause I need you
and I miss you
and now I wonder....
if I could fall
into the sky
do you think time
would pass us by
'cause you know I'd walk
a thousand miles if I could
just see you
tonight

wow, it's been awhile since i've heard u2's where the streets have no name. the intro to the song (the cd version, i dont think the little intro is on the single) just brought tears to my eyes. it's incredible.

I want to run
I want to hide
I want to tear down the walls
That hold me inside
I want to reach out
And touch the flame
Where the streets have no name

I want to feel sunlight on my face
I see the dust cloud disappear
Without a trace
I want to take shelter from the poison rain
Where the streets have no name

Where the streets have no name
Where the streets have no name
We're still building
Then burning down love
Burning down love
And when I go there
I go there with you
It's all I can do

The city's a flood
And our love turns to rust
We're beaten and blown by the wind
Trampled in dust
I'll show you a place
High on a desert plain
Where the streets have no name

Where the streets have no name
Where the streets have no name
We're still building
Then burning down love
Burning down love
And when I go there
I go there with you
It's all I can do

Our love turns to rust
We're beaten and blown by the wind
Blown by the wind
Oh, and I see love
See our love turn to rust
We're beaten and blown by the wind
Blown by the wind
Oh, when I go there
I go there with you
It's all I can do

for some reason i feel a little guilty and like a sellout enjoying the new linkin park single. maybe it's because i've so vociferously hated them in the past. but anyway, "my december" is a beautiful song. i really enjoy its melancholy strings and stuff... i guess i'm just becoming an angst-ridden teen again.

i guess i don't mind.

stolen from noah's aim profile: "Said by DJ after we saw a car driving on the wrong side of the street (and not just the wrong side of the street, the wrong side of a concrete divider): 'That would probably shock me a lot more if I hadn't played so much Grand Theft Auto 3.'"

too true.

i've noticed in the past few weeks that i've been intentionally sleeping in a lot more than i did before. i used to get up after the first or second time my parents called or my alarm went off, grudgingly but up nonetheless. recently though i've been ignoring them for a lot longer into the morning. it's nice, really. but the reason, i think, is that the only way i can go to sleep at night is to equate my pillow to tim and convince myself that i'm really sleeping in his arms. then, it only makes sense that in the morning, i'd be more and more reluctant to leave my bed. it's like an extra ten minutes with tim, only not nearly as wonderful.

my hopes of surprising him with a visit later in the summer were effectively shattered this evening. my mom's words: "no, you're not going to fly across the country and miss precious days of work to go shack up with your boyfriend." goddammit. if she'd said yes, man, my life would have a new direction. i hate living in such a way that you're always reaching for something. i hate it when everything i'm living for is just a countdown in my aim profile. but that's what i've been reduced to: i'm looking forward to two events in my future. jamie's return from spain, just over a week away, and my return to california, 7 weeks away. my desire to hang out with the friends who are home right now has been reduced to virtually nothing. hours at work melt away quickly, though, as opposed to the hours at work last summer which barely crawled by. and it seems, at least for the time being, that days are passing relatively quickly too. i just hope that that effect won't go away now that i know i don't have a california visit in less than a month to look forward to.

you're fallin' back to me
the star that I can see
i know you're out there
somewhere out there
you're falling out of reach
defying gravity
i know you're out there
somewhere out there
-our lady peace

yeah, that previous blog? really came to light when i was channel-surfing. man it's been forever since i've plopped my ass down in front of the boob toob. i didn't even know we get super-digital-cable now, like the kind with 800 channels. evidently we've had it since february. but anyway, in my pathetic attempt to vegitate, i ran across "dude... where's my car?" wow. i watched about half an hour of it before i decided i wanted to throw up. and i'm one who enjoys mindless comedies.

i think i need for that kimbell exhibit to open now. i need stimulation.

i just finished a book i found on my mom's bookshelf called the bee season. the book itself was good, but man, did the ending disappoint. it just kind of drifted... the climax was the antithesis of what it was supposed to be... i hate books like that. i need something good to read, a trip to the library or half price books or SOMETHING. a movie, even. anything to stimulate my mind and make time pass.

there's an exhibit opening at the kimbell art museum (in fort worth) on august 17th that i'm really really looking forward to. piet mondrian: the path to abstraction. i'm totally excited. mondrian's exploration of the golden ratio fascinate me for some unknown reason. i think it's my deeply buried obsessive-compulsive side that loves perfection. anyway i'm really excited about that and i'm going to go to the members only preview the day before it opens.

i'm starved for intellectual stimulation. i crave problem sets. i miss discussion sections. i feel my japanese slowly being edged out by sparse spanish. i need something, anything to get my mind off the numbing nothingness of my job and life at home. but more than anything else i need california.

i've never been to a bar mitzvah. i think this borders on freakish. i survived my entire preteen-teen transition without having to listen to one kid sing from the torah. never told any newly 13-year-old "mazel tov." there's this entire rite of passage that i've missed out on.

i'm going to crash one someday. just show up with a little gift and tell some little jewish kid congratulations. see what the whole shit is about.

man. another day at work has come and gone. it's funny how quickly time passes while i'm at work. it's also really weird how i'm either running from place to place frantically or sitting on my ass. there is no middle ground between nothing to do and everything to do.

i've compiled a list of things i want to buy in the next year and a half.

wi-fi card - $80
visor edge - $150
cd burner - $100
cd mp3 player -$60-70
cellphone - $50 plus monthly payment
computer (iMac?) - $1500-2500
car - $3500-5000

those are in order, i think. but i'm not quite sure.

some movies, while good, should just not have sequels.

it seems that there has been a dearth of blogging in my little blogging circle. everyone must be out and about doing big and important things while i'm just stuck here at home with a shitty job and a huge debt to my parents. in light of the recent blog drought, however, i think it's time to put some fuel on the fire. it's time for the random blog question. (via the topic blog)

who are five celebrities that if you had the chance to hook up, mess around, or just have a fling with, who would they be, and why?

\first i'd have to go with seth green. i've had this weird thing for him ever since i saw him in austin powers 2 several years ago - something about the way he attacked dr. evil for being a bad father. "He put roadkill in my sheets! Your stupid Mini-... YOU!" After that i started watching buffy the vampire slayer pretty religiously, only for his character, oz, the sensitive, sarcastic, laconic werewolf. man, he was sexy in that show. i don't know what it is about him (he's only 5 foot 4 and not really that hot in a conventional way) but i've always been attracted to him. after seth, hmmm.

jason lee. he was so cute in chasing amy, even though he played a character with latent gay tendencies. come to think of it, he was kinda sexy in dogma too, playing all mr. evil and stuff.

justin timberlake. i'm not even going to try to justify that one.

alyson hannigan. probably just because she plays seth green's girlfriend on buffy. but then how freaking sexy was it in american pie when she just goes, "what, you think i don't know how to get myself off?" yeah. hmmm... that's 4. who would #5 be? let's see...

jude law. yes. jude law. his accent... so hot. in gattaca... in AI... yeah. he's hot.

runners-up: heath ledger. ewan mcgregor. hayden christensen. harrison ford. christian bale.

who would be on your list?

this picture makes me think a lot about what i have in california. what's waiting for me there and what i have to look forward to. look at the picture. i see more than just tim. i see tim's personality, i see a beach, i see california. i see alcohol and evidence of friends. and one damn sexy asian boy. that's what i have for me in california, only 55 days away from me.

i really don't like thinking about time as distance, but i can't help it sometimes. thinking about how tim and i are 1500 miles apart is less depressing than thinking about how we're 55 days apart, for some reason. maybe it's because 1500 miles can be traversed in a couple hours and can be accelerated if you really need them to be, whereas 55 days is immutable. also you could travel for 55 days and get almost as far as mars.

so last night was my third night of work. yay. it was exciting. i waited on a huge table of soccer parents. yay. they drank a lot, which was cool, and i got a substantial tip (though not enough for the amount of work i did). this morning we took my car back into the swedish motors place to fix something else, hopefully that will make it able to pass the emissions test. i think we're going to sell it at the end of the summer anyway. i might buy a early 90's civic or something to replace it. blah, i dont like the thought of that. but i'm not going to be able to take the volvo out to california 'cause it wouldn't make it and the rear differential is about to go out too. yay. that's a shitload of money. blah. but i have some money put away that i might be able to use to buy something else and take to school... i'm going to thinnk about that for a while.

in the meanwhile i'm going to sit at home and work a thankless job 6 days a week for barely minimum wage for the rest of the summer. yay. only 56 days now until i can move into my dorm though...

happy birthday tim. (: 20. i think you qualify as an old fart now.

ok, well today was definitely better. things are looking up in all directions. first of all, all the temp agencies are swamped, but second of all i got scheduled a shitload this week. i'm working from 4 to close today, tomorrow from 11 to sometime, sunday from 3 to 8, monday from 5 to close, and tuesday from 4 to close. this is a good thing. it means i'm actually going to be pulling some cash. good thing, in a non martha stewart sort of a way. also since i've gotten scheduled mom and dad have let up on the internet embargo. yay!

hmm. i'm going to go hop in the pool, bake for 30 minutes, shower, and *go to work*. that's so foreign. work. shiiiit. hehehehe.

i'm really getting tired of the job search. the job i have sucks ass, and i want a better one, but i keep getting the run-around from more reputable places. chili's gave me the blowoff yesterday; today it was buca di beppo's turn. i talked to frank, the paisano, who said that he'd love to run me through training... over thanksgiving. and then have me work over christmas. great. that's what i need, frank. exactly what i need. it looks like i'm not going to make any money this summer and will likely spend winter quarter waiting tables instead of going to class. wonderful.

but i suppose if i accept the fact that i'm going to have to stop out now, then if i don't, it'll be a pleasant surprise. yeah right, who am i kidding. my family can't afford to put me through college, and i can't afford to live in california. blah.

hm, today was only slightly better, due to no work, and no allergies. however, no work means all parents. *sigh*. only 62 more days in this hellhole... days are passing, it seems. they are passing. and that's what's keeping me alive.

new rule: only as much time as i spend working can i spend online. sigh. is this not a dictatorship? i feel so 8th grade hating my parents like this. blah.

wow, today has been one of my worst days in awhile. it started with the cockroach this morning. i woke up at about 1:30 to a cockroach creeping across my arm. it was going away from my body - makes ya wonder where it had already been. yeeecccchh. so i didn't fall asleep again until 3 'cause i just couldn't. then i got up at 9 'cause my car was ready at the shop. took it back into the kwik kar to get another inspection - wee. failed again. gah. i love my car so much i take its failures as my own. needless to say that upset me. anyway when i got home i had to tear my freaking room apart and spray cockroach stuff *everywhere*. in tearing it apart i seem to have unleashed the wrath of the dust bunny, because what ensued is the WORST allergy attack i have had in memory. i'm still sneezing. and this started at like 11 this morning. *sigh* i hate to think what it would be like for me right now if i hadn't taken a dayhist before i left for work... i'm soooo sneezy it's ridiculous. gah. and i took vivarin to counteract the antihistamine and so i'm all jittery and tired. sigh. bleh. make it stop.

"If PacMan had affected us as kids we'd be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to electronic music."

hahahaha.

i am the person i have always wanted to be, i think. wow, that's a cool thought.

shit dude... i got a job

updated webpage! wee!

*sigh* i have to go to bed already???? it's fricking 10:15. i hate having my mom home...

dude, i'm totally starting to get a chopstick callus. like a writing callus but on the next finger over. it's kinda cool.

isn't it funny how different directions have different prepositions that precede them? think about it. i mean, "up" north and "down" south make some sort of arbitrary sense, but what about "back" east and "out" west? those have no relevance to anything but American history - no basis on a globe or map... why don't we say "over" west or east?

yeah, you may think that "out" west is a little outdated, but where do i wish i were right now? i bet you answered "out in california" if you used a preposition at all. eric's profile says he's staying "out" in sunnyvale for the summer, as opposed to going "back" home to boston.

hmm.

wee... i just love it when cars fail the state inspection. it's a great feeling, knowing the piece of shit you drive is no longer a *good* piece of shit, but a *polluting* piece of shit. *sigh* they added 2 new tests this year to the inspection, NOx gas emissions and gas cap integrity. yeah, failed both of those. passed the rest of the shit though... and they say i have 15 days to get the shit fixed and bring it back for a free re-inspection, which i suppose is good. but it also means 15 more days of driving aroudn with an inspection sticker that blatantly advertises that it expired in november. yay.

on the upside, i have an interview at chili's today between 2 and 4 (i'll probably go around 3 or a little before) and should either have or not have a job by then. or maybe have a job conditional on passing a drug test. drug tests suck, because just about the only drug that stays in your system for long enough to matter is marijuana. now, it's not like pot is *good* for you, but it's certainly not worse for you than cigarettes or alcohol. in fact it's better for you than alcohol. but that shit stays in your system for 2, 3, maybe even 4 weeks after you smoke up, depending on body weight and THC metabolism and stuff. now hard drugs, they're water-soluble, unlike THC, so they get flushed out of your system in less than a week. that means that someone who smoked pot a month ago is less likely to pass a drug test than someone who snorts cocaine on weekends. how ridiculous is that? (side note: evidently in california, on that spot on the application where it asks if you've ever been convicted of a felony, marijuana-related felonies are not grounds for rejection for hiring. i think that's cool.)

disclaimer: IANAPH (i am not a pothead), but i think that they should have the same rights as smokers and drinkers. stupid fucking laws.

yeah, redesigns are fun... i reordered the names of blogs i link to for maximum visual effect, not necessarily in the order that i like you guys. so if your name is on bottom, don't feel bad, i don't hate you. (:

i'm currently working through a redesign, if you couldn't tell... leave me comments if you feel so inclined, i'd like to hear what you think of the new look. the bubbles are a symbol of the completely ass-kicking 10 days i spent in sunnyvale (actually, i took the picture of them, harlen blew them). what fun. i wonder if i should throw in random bubbles in posts that i make too...
mmm.                      

so for some reason i totally just got all reminiscent... started going through all the stuff on my shelves in my room which led to my cap for graduation which led to me standing in front of the mirror holding up my gown wearing my cap... and going through old pictures. it's so weird. i miss the old life i used to have here at home, but not that much. i don't get it. my friends here are all great but it seems that we had so many differences it's amazing we got along. i dunno. looking at old photos puts me in a weird mood.

i also ran across my ticket and the picture from once in a blue moon. god what an event. its epicness is evident from the lineup - paul oakenfold, chemical brothers, sasha and digweed, pete tong... but i think it really changed my life. it's kind of weird to think about that. i mean, before the rave, i was kind of fringe friends with eric - neither one of us really fit into the other's social circle - but afterwards i not only completely solidified an awesome friendship with him but also integrated myself into a whole new circle which led to what would have happened this summer if it weren't for jessie and her bitchiness and, well, tim. and the most incredible 10 days of my life. and other things.

it's a mind trip to think about what would have been if certain things had gone differently, isn't it? sometimes i even start to wonder if there is a such thing as fate, because everything in my life has worked out so fucking well up to this point (ok, "fate", i'm waiting to see what you have in store for this whole me-staying-home-this-summer thing...)

ok, i'll shut up now.

hmm

hmm, fun pictures: tim's site. check out summer2002 (oh, and mouseover the words "summer 2002" on the main page and see whose pic you get, yeah, that's right) for some entertainment. (: *sigh* i miss those people so much... dammit

haha, just a teaser preview of the next blog layout. woohoo! (:

well, the drive from seattle to southlake is 40 hours, in case you were wondering, and is doable without stopping for hotels. but it's painful. random images from the drive home:
loveland pass at 4am
al-qaida training camp jokes
the sign on the bathroom in the subway in norman, ok which said in spanish "the bathroom is fucked" (el bano esta chengado)
kansas is a hellhole
the stars in colorado (i didn't even know there were so many!!)
the license plate in CO that said SAX3070 (thought of eric of course)

i think i'm sleep deprived. yes. 40 straight hours in a car will do that to you.

WOW i need to do this. i think it's an addiction at this point... i cna't breath if i can't blog. anyway, i'm in seattle. lovely seattle, washington. spent the day driving halfway across said state to meet my aunt and uncle for a picnic in vantage, wa. that was exciting. lots of food. lots of food. the columbia river. stuff like that. it was cool.

it just occurred to me that a lot has happened in my life since i've blogged. i've moved out of california. i've also had the week of my life, prior to that moveout. i've got someone new in my life. i've been in three states in less than a week. i've seen my entire extended family on one side and almost everyone on the other side. i've only slept alone in a room once in the last two weeks. it's odd how you think you're stagnating when you're out of school but really you're not - you're changing more than ever. all the shit that's gone down since i finished finals is making my head spin. maybe it's for the best that i'll be in texas in less than a week (i started to write "home" there and then i realized that's not accurate. i'll be at my parent's house, yes, but i still feel like california is home.) or maybe it's not, but it's happening anyway and i've accepted it, i suppose.

i've been getting daily updates on what's going down in the house, which is nice, 'cause i really miss it and all its inhabitants, and they only make me wish more that i was there. curse that stupid princeton review bitch. *sigh*

righto, i'm rambling. well, there's my blog. hey, that could be in the lord's prayer... "give us this day our daily blog, and forgive us our forgotten updates, as we forgive those who forget to update." coolness. ok. rambling end now.