hm, this new track just gave me a kickass idea for a new theme. its the ambient mix of "beautiful strange" on the ministry of sound chillout 2002... beautiful\strange... i think it's me. woohoo.

awww, fuck. i missed my bloggiversary. it was yesterday. yay.

new cool song: days go by [acoustic] by dirty vegas. i never would have guessed that such a trancey, electronically-created song could have an acoustic version. but it's totally good. i don't know if i dare say it's better than the original, it's definitely different, and hard to compare. but it rules.

i feel as though over the past couple of weeks or months i've become an exceedingly negative person. i complain, i bitch, i moan and i whine. i'm probably bringing the people around me down and i feel shitty for doing that. it's not a personality trait, i don't think... i'm not constantly complaining when i'm at school (as far as i know... right?). the problem is that i'm in shitty circumstances - stuck at home for another 2 weeks without friends or a job to keep me sane - and it's bringing me down. i had a long talk with my mom tonight during which she basically told me that it would be "stupid" to go visit my friends in california just a week before i'll get out there ordinarily. okay, maybe it is too close to when i'll be going out there... BUT I WANTED TO GO SOONER AND YOU WOULDNT LET ME! IVE TRIED TO GO OUT THERE ALMOST EVERY WEEKEND SINCE THE BEGINNING OF AUGUST!!! am i being unreasonable to get this upset and pissed off about this? is it not normal for me to be disappointed that it will be 16 days, 6 hours, and 49 minutes until i take off from d/fw airport when i'd previously thought i might have been getting out of here in more like 5 days? is it unreasonable for me to shed a few tears when i think about the fact that if jessie had come through for me last week I WOULD BE WITH TIM RIGHT NOW? oh god, i can't even think about that. it hurts too much.

okay, i'm done. think happy thoughts. think happy thoughts. sorry about the bitchfest, but i think kathy was right a few months ago when she said something about not REALLY being a negative person, just having to take it out on the blog.....

big jon, the font of wisdom, on homoeroticism:

me: i think my boyfriend and his roommate have homoerotic tendencies
me: what should i do?
biggie: hmm... get a big tub of vaseline and a close girlfriend and show them how they make you feel?
me: hmmm
me: maybe
biggie: creamed corn would work instead?
me: it might
biggie: or baby oil?
me: hmmm
me: the edibility of the creamed corm lends it a certain intrigue
biggie: amen

last night i had a really whacked dream. i went to some other school, like a midwestern state university or something. anyway the entire campus seemd to be this one building. if you wanted to get to the half that i was supposed to be on you had to go down a hall and then push a button and this really wide, rickety staircase would fold down out of the ceiling and you had to climb up it. then i was in a classroom and a teacher showed us a closet and we thought it was the coolest closet in the world, then he opened the back of the closet and there was this whole huge room type thing that was like an attic with unfinished walls and a bare wood floor but it had computers in it… and the walls and floor looked like they’d been finger painted by 6th graders.. i think at that point i turned into a 6th grader. and i looked out the window to see how the football game was going. it was tied at 69 to 69 but then the other team scored a touchdown. i think they were playing washington state. but the window in the room overlooked a huuuuge stadium with a massive crowd that could really only be found at a packers game or the olympics… and then when we walked back out of the long narrow attic like room the door that went into the closet turned out to just go outside, like a normal building. do you ever wonder when you wake up why you don’t question the things in your dreams more often? like why the hell wasn’t i all, hey, i don’t go to wisconsin or whatever, i go to fuckin’ stanford. or why didn’t i question the fact that the doors that once went into a closet suddenly opened up into the outside. why didn’t i question the fact that the WSU football team actually managed to score 76 points in a game (ha). then i wonder whether my whole entire goddamn life isn’t a dream, and how would i know, ‘cause i don’t have freaky doors or magic staircases. kinda makes you think, doesn’t it. but then, if life were a dream… it would have to be *someone*’s dream… and though i am the only person whose consciousness i experience, i don’t doubt that other people have consciousness too, and the idea that life is but a dream really negates the existence of other people. it’s a very selfish perspective. unless it’s some sort of consensual hallucination, but that conjures up the idea of the matrix which, you know, is entirely plausible but i’d prefer just not to think about right now. every time i have déjà vu, though, i subconsciously scan for changes in the matrix… like doors that previously went to closets suddenly opening into the wisconsin october. maybe it’s only in our dreams that we can tell that the matrix even exists. and maybe what we think is a dream is really not, like the agents and the freaky ass bug thing they stick in his belly button. and the way they like, gooed his mouth shut. all very nightmarish, but really happened. the only thing that keeps me convinced that my dreams don’t really happen is the fact that they usually occur in places far away from where i am… either that or irreversible things happen that have not occurred when i wake up, like that one time that my dad died in my dream. he’s not really dead; that dream can’t have been reality. and then i just kind of accept the fact that maybe i am just a player in someone else’s dream; maybe i’m really stuck in a pool of goo with plugs all up and down my spine; maybe i really just don’t exist... and then i usually end up going to bed.

...so checkit, new look. can't quite decide what i think. it's.... different. what do the masses think?

who wants to go see no doubt and garbage with jamie and i on 11.14.02 in san jose???

time schedule goodness! it's finally out! yay. anyway... here's my schedule! yay!

CS106A lecture: 9am MWF (eeeeeugh), section: 1:15 W
Art 60: 1:15-3:05 TTh
Japanese17B: 11am MTWThF
Wind Ensemble rehearsal: 4:15-6:05 TTh

for the record: i hate jessie wirkus. she sucks.

hey dj
tonight i'm seeing stars (repeat)
once again i found myself with my friends
dancing the night away it's like the party never ends
then again, we don't want it to stop 'cause
tonight's the night it's going sweat box
laser beams flashing lights
wild cards men from mars pressed in
stars and stripes eclectic electric
ladies of the evening drinkin booze and minglin
mashing to the music i could do anything
freaky deaky stars ??? and pink butterflies
it's nice so nice i walk into a club and i found paradise
i'm seeing stars i can't believe my eyes
i'm seeing stars
oh my starry eyed surprise sundown to sunrise
dance all night, we gonna dance all night dance all night
to this dj sugar dance all night to this dj
oh my starry eyed surprise sundown to sunrise
dance all night, we gonna dance all night dance all night
to this dj sugar dance all night to this dj
oh sugar dance all night to this dj

what the FUCK does oakie think he's doing with this new album? this sounds like a crazy town song. wait.... it IS a crazy town song. i really can't decide what the hell i think about this single... it's catchy. i might like it MORE if it weren't by oakenfold... it's like he's trying waaaay too hard to be mainstream. he's alienating the fans he used to have in the hardcore electronic music scene. it's such a shame.

stolen from joe's profile: "there are 10 kinds of people in this world: those who understand binary and those who don't." hehehehehe.

i feel like such an mp3 bulemic. i go on such downloading binges - i downloaded almost a half a gig between last night and this morning. and now, i'm back under a gig of free space on my hd... it's time to compress. i hate converting from mp3 to wma for only one reason (giving into the Man doesn't particularly bother me) - it messes up the order of my music library. :( anyway, this recent downloading binge includes such mainstream trance favorites like darude, ian van dahl, iio and ATB... in addition to some AK 1200, a little bit of aphrodite, some chicane, some moby...

i really can't tell if liking artists like darude and ian van dahl is like selling out. i mean, they were on trance party for god's sake... and, from time to time, you can even hear them on top 40 stations. but then again, they're doing a huge favor for the masses -getting the sounds of trance and techno out there on the airwaves.

for the record - darude's "feel the beat" tries too hard to recreate the feel of sandstorm. it's a good track but the inclusion of sounds so reminiscent of the melody which makes sandstorm so distinctive almost detracts from feel the beat's own merits.

i've realized that i'm incapable of using a computer without at least 4 applications running. i have to have aim (as well as msn messenger), outlook, ie, and windows media player running in order to be able to function. upon every restart, i immediately open these 4 programs and leave them open until i have to reboot my computer, which is usually every 4 or 5 days. i think it's also a sign of my computer/internet addiction that, because it's a relative pain in the ass to open these 4 programs (plus any others i might need), i don't shut my computer down when i leave it, i merely throw it into hibernate. that way when i turn it back on, everything is there, ready and waiting for me. yeah, i'm an addict. hopefully i'll be able to kick the aim habit when i get to school - i think my life would will be more fulfilling without its distractions.

...sigh. i seem to have finally crossed the line that my parents crossed ages ago. i was talking to my sister when all of a sudden, *bam* i got this sense that she thinks that i'm a huge dork. i'm too old to be cool. i felt like my mom. it was a fleeting sensation, a moment of lucidity in an ocean of innocent bliss... but, even though i don't feel it right now, it's there. i'm old. i'm dorky. i inherently suck.

there's a possibility that i might be able to go to sunnyvale for about a week, in about a week. SAT II training for the princeton review starts on august 31 and runs through september 4. it's a compelling case - if i want to be able to teach for TPR this fall, i'll have to do this training. it also pays $10 an hour, which is more than i'll be making sitting on my arse at home, now that my job has vaporized. anyway, mom and dad haven't said that i can't go, which is almost always a good sign. all i'll have to do is call jessie first thing monday morning and get my name on the list for the trainings, and then buy a plane ticket. i'm a little bit excited about that prospect. in just 7 days, i might be back in california, the place i consider to truly be my home.

things i have now:
the guide to getting it on
this month's mixmag
a cool trance cd attached to said mag
an iced soy mocha in my tummy

things i do not have now:
a job

i sat at a red light for record time this afternoon on my way home from work. there had been an accident on 1709 between davis and the new fire station. evidently the accident went into both directions of lanes and took some massive cleanup. i don't think it was too major, but it did a lot to traffic, mostly because one of the cops on the scene parked his camaro facing the light at which i was stopped with his lights flashing. in our town, as in most places, the stoplights have sensors on them that tell them when an emergency vehicle is coming, which switches the light green in that direction and red in every other direction. so the light was stuck in one part of its cycle for about 15 minutes, leaving people trying to go the other 3 directions stranded with no options other than to sit and wait or pull illegal u-turns and get out of the mess.

i wouldn't have been sitting at that light for 15 minutes, the second car in line, stuck next to an 18 wheeler and behind a construction pickup with a ghetto trailer, if shit hadn't gone down at work earlier today. evidently the all-star grill is in trouble with TABC (that's the texas alcoholic beverage commission, a.k.a. the gestapo). i hope, plead, pray that they haven't lost their liquor license, because what is a sports bar without a liquor license? closed. yeah. so i'll find out tomorrow whether or not i still have a job. if not, it's time to formulate a plan b.

my plan b, of course, would involve leaving for california next week and getting a job out there. i'm sure i could crash at the house for the few remaining weeks left before i have to go back to school... i could work a real restaurant job, making $6.75 an hour plus tips (how sweet would that be), and be with my friends.
.......sigh..........

the only problem with trance is that the emotions a song conveys are impossible to put down on paper using just words. not that simply quoting the smashing pumpkins, "i promise we'll be perfect/strangers when we meet" does justice to the beauty of the melody, but at least it invokes the right feeling in people who are familiar with the song you're quoting. this is really frustrating when the songs that describe my mood are all trance. now, billy corgan's lyrics are wonderful and amazing poetry in and of themselves, so if someone were not familiar with the song i was quoting, they would at least have some idea of its beauty. however, when i try to quote the chicane song i'm playing over and over, it comes out all wrong, because the meaning isn't hidden between the words, it's in the music.

this one is really powerful to me, not because of its lyrics (which are not applicable and border on cheesy) but because of the melodic background, the gentle but driving beat that suggests looking forward, moving forward, always progressing. and so when i'm listening to trance, i tend to take the vocals as another instrument. the sounds and tones and syllables that the vocals form are not about their meaning in english, but about the feeling they evoke on a higher, euphoric, ethereal level. it's an amazing track.

if there was nothing that i could say
turned your back and you just walked away
leaves me numb inside i think of you
together is all i need
we moved too fast but i had no sign
i would try to turn the hands of time
i looked to you for a reason why
the love we had passed me by
and as the sun would set you would rise
fall from the sky into paradise
is there no light in your heart for me
you've closed your eyes you no longer see
there were no lies between me and you
you said nothing of what you knew
but there was still something in your eyes
left me helpless and paralyzed

-chicane, "no ordinary morning"

another reason i can't wait to get back: my mother is playing country music. the really catchy kind that can get stuck in your head really easily. and so i retreat to my headphones and my chicane...

today: adventuring with lauren and mulholland, then gelato with jamie and mulholland and witsaman. gelato is always exciting... it's such a drive. though i'm not sure it'll be the same without lizzie and nathan and biggie... damn lizzie for leaving for school with just one pathetic attempt to contact me. though i suppose she has moved on from her high school life in the same way that i have so i really can't fault her for caring more about getting back to duke than hanging out with people from the past.

my laptop needs a new processor fan.

grr

today is 4 weeks. actually, almost to the minute right now, until i get off the plane. it's actually a comforting thought, knowing that within 4 weeks, which is really not that long if you split it up into 2 2-week chunks, i will be back in california.... i mean, hell, only 2 weeks ago, the summer was only half over. i remember talking about how i could handle it being 51% over... and that was really not that long ago.

i can survive.

hm. i totally agree with him. california is a state of mythical proportions, a land of golden opportunity, a century after america has outgrown that title. it's almost like a symbol more than a state. a symbol of opportunity and freedom and excitement and whatever else you could ever possibly want.

it's all there in california, waiting for me.

29 days, 21 hours, 35 minutes and 45 seconds. the seconds cannot count fast enough.

you know what's frightening? if i didn't go to kyoto during my jr year, i could probably finish in 3 years.

don't tell my mom, please.

checkit, there's a counter at the bottom of the page. yeah, you guessed it, it's counting down until i leave this place to go back to stanford. 32 days and 14 hours right now.... yaaaay!

i really need to go through the GER's and figure out which ones I need to satisfy and which ones I have covered... and also whether I should rearrange my schedule and get GER's out of the way early on and do major requirements later... blah.

it's hard to believe that summer is actually passing. today there are only 33 days left until I get back. that's really barely over a month. i can deal with that. my time in tx is more than half over now, and my job is half over. what a comforting thought.

only taking 13 units in the fall will be amazing... wind ensemble... ultimate frisbee... PAAness... spending time with tim... working (and making money)... and still finding time to go out... drink coffee... hang out with friends... go to the gym... get to know the people in my dorm... go to the city... the beach... raves...

i just had an empowering thought. fuck aim. fuck it in the ass with a big rubber dick. i don't need some stupid aol program to talk to my friends. email or phones or *gasp* walking over to see someone would work so much better. when i get to school i'm going to stop using it all the time. i'm going to force myself to use the phone or my feet or email. i'm going to have a real relationship with people, not one based on electron impulses on a pane of glass. wow. what a cool thought.

so i just worked out a 4-year plan. i wish i had a copy of the bulletin and the time schedule, but neither are out yet... sigh. oh well. anyway, here goes:

sophomore year, autumn:
Art 60 (3 units) :: CS106A/E70 (5) :: Japanese 17B (5) == 13
sophomore year, winter:
ME 103 (4) :: ME103D (1) :: E 102M (1) :: E 60 (3) :: Japanese 18B (5) == 14
sophomore year, spring:
Art 160 (3) :: ME 80 (3) :: ME 120 (4) :: Japanese 19B (5) == 15

junior year, autumn:
Art 161 (3) :: Stat 60 (5) :: Psych 1 (4-5) == 12-13
junior year, winter:
ME 112 (4) :: E 50 (4) :: ME 115 (3) :: ME 110A (1) == 12
junior year, spring:
JAPAN! E 40 (5) == 5

senior year, autumn:
ME 116A, advanced PD (4) :: Asian Lang 91, China (5) == 9
senior year, winter:
ME116B (4) :: Asian Lang 92, Japan (5) == 9
senior year, spring:
ME 116C (4) :: ME 102 (3) == 7

this doesnt include other stuff i'll want to take for the hell of it, or stuff to take for GER's (if i haven't got them all covered). unit totals for junior and senior years are sure to go up. weee.

you would think that my computer would be able to see that i've been searching hp online tech support and calling the geeks at the tech support desk to see if i can fix this stupid machine, browsing ebay to see how much i could sell it for and apple.com to see if i can get something better and suddenly shape up and stop being shitty.

but NO, it goes on being a POS. yay.

tim: i got the entire class to do dry erase on the windows today
kat: lol
tim: cuz i was getting tired of the chalk board

hahahahaha

well, today is halfway. it's been 42 days since i left california, and i've got another 42 to go. of course, about 14 of the first 42 were spent outside of texas, so i'm not yet half-done with my days here, but still, i'm half-done with my days away from california. at least, since i'm hoping to get to go back a day or 2 early. man, i'm tired. it's only 10:00 and i've been up for 2 hours, and have mowed the lawn and swam. and now i have to go play cheerful happy hostess for a couple of hours. shouldn't take more than about 3, and then i'm going to hang out with jamie. weeeee!

eric - hope you survived your family reunion. don't you get to go home soon anyway? lucky...

i rarely agree with glenn reynolds, author of instapundit, the ny times of the blog, but inthis article on foxnews.com he sounds logical. hell, beyond logical - he's defending a part of my culture and way of life. go him!