"hey dad, what do you think about your son now?" -filter

okay, so that post below this one, the one thats nothing but a broken picture link, well, here's the story. i'm an idiot.
i forgot to close the quotation marks [img src="....."] tag. yeah. so it thought everything after that was in the link or something. so, to add to the funness, i can't click the "edit" link in blogger to delete the fuckup post. so, there it will remain, ever a reminder of how stupid kat can be. i'm so cool.
and, to add to the KAT IS AN IDIOTness, I deleted the post that i made yesterday that had so many cool comments!!! *sigh.* i'm such a fuckup.

*bangs head on desk* what, oh what, ever posessed me to have twelve?!?!

So, I think I'm gonna do some archives here. My blog hates the concept of archiving, who knows why... that's why there has been a definite dearth of archives recently. But, I think I can just do it manually by months... they'll be long, but whatever. And i'll put them on my stanford webspace rather than on blogspot. *shrug* eh.

Webmastering is for me the ultimate avoidance mechanism. Whenever I have a shitload to do, I work on my webpage. It's great. Today I have a problem set due in math tomorrow (which i've decided to mostly blow off, due to a 108 on the midterm, and the fact that we get one free hw dropped) and an abstract for my final IHum project due in section tomorrow. It's really bad; I'm finding myself thinking about doing the abstract in the time between math and section tomorrow. I don't think that'll work, Kat... you need to do it today.

Once again, it's ass-cold here. I kind of like it. I bundle up in my happy sweater, my happy hat, my happy gloves, and occasionally even my happy scarf (biking home from FroSoCo this morning, it would have been *really* nice...). Mmm. Lots of happy clothing.

Mmm. Ask me about last night sometime if you want an entertaining story. I don't find it bloggable, because even though this is "kat... uncensored" i have found my home IP address in the stats from time to time... danger, Will Robinson!
With that said, however, I aced my vocab quiz this morning. Just something to think about.

Today is an Enya day. I only have four Enya tracks, though, which kind of upsets me, because I want to listen to more Enya today.

I decorated my desk for the holidays... which involved hanging the cheap glass ornaments on a sprig of plastic greenery that is duct-taped to the shelf above my desk. It's festive. Yay festivity. Merry Yuletide.

Mmmm.... time to make archives. Weeeee!

please don't say i love you
those words touch me much too deeply
they make my core tremble
don't think you realize the effect you have over me
and please don't look at me like that
it just makes me want to make you
near me always
and please don't kiss me so sweet
it makes me crave a thousand kisses to follow
and please don't touch me like that
makes every other embrace seem pale and shallow
and please don't come so close
it just makes me want to make you
near me always
please don't bring me flowers
they only whisper the sweet things you'd say
and don't try to understand me
your hands already know too much anyway
it makes me want to make you
near me always
and when you look in my eyes
please know my heart is in your hands
it's nothing that i understand
but in your arms you have complete power over me
so be gentle please
your hands are in my hair but
my heart is in your teeth baby and
it makes me want to make you
near me always
my heart is in your teeth baby and
it makes me want to make you
near me always
makes me want to make you
near me always
i wanna be near you always

jewel, "near you always"

do you ever question your life
do you ever wonder why?
do you ever see in your dreams
all the castles in the sky?
oh tell me why
do we build castles in the sky
oh tell me why
all the castles way up high
-ian van dahl, "castles in the sky"

I woke up in mid afternoon, ‘cause that’s when it all hurts the most
I dreamed I never know anyone at the party and I’m always the host
If dreams are like movies then memories are films about those
You can never escape you can only move south down the coast
I am an idiot walking a tightrope of fortune and fame
I am an acrobat swinging trapezes through circles of flame
If you’ve never stared off into the distance then your life is a shame
And no, I’ll never forget your face, sometimes I can’t remember my name

Hey Mrs. Potter, don’t cry,
Hey, Mrs, Potter, I know why
But Hey mrs. Potter won’t you talk to me?

Well, there’s a piece of Maria in every song that I sing
And the price of a memory is the memory of the sorrow it brings
And there is always one last light to turn out, one last bell to ring
And the last one out of the circus has to lock up everything
Or the elephants will get out and forget to remember what you said
And when the ghosts of the world linger inside of your head
And when the ferris wheel junkies will spin there forever instead
When I see you a blanket of stars covers me in my bed

Hey Mrs. Potter don’t go
Hey Mrs. Potter don’t know but
Hey Mrs. Potter won’t you talk to me

Well the blue light reflections they cover my mind when I sleep
And the lovesick rejections that accompany the company I keep
All the razor perceptions that cut just a little too deep
Hey I can bleed as well as anyone but I need someone to help me sleep
So I throw my hair into the air and it swims in the beats
It’s just a brief interruption of the swirling gusts in the jet stream
Well I know I don’t know you and you’re probably not what you seem
Oh, but I’d sure like to find out so why don’t you climb down off that movie screen

Hey Mrs. Potter don’t turn
Hey Mrs. Potter I burn for you
Hey Mrs. Potter won’t you talk to me

And when the last king of Hollywood shatters his glass on the floor
And orders another we wonder what he did that for
‘cause when I know I have to get out ‘cause I have been there before
so I gave up my seat a the bar and I head for the door
we drove out to the desert just to lie down under this bowl of stars
we stand up in the palace like it’s the last of the great pioneer town bars
we shout out these songs against the clang of electric guitars
you can see a million miles tonight but you can’t get very far
you can see a million miles tonight but you can’t get very far

hey Mrs., Potter, won’t touch
Hey Mrs. Potter it’s not much
But Hey Mrs. Potter won’t you talk to me
Hey Mrs. Potter wont you talk to me
Hey Mrs. Potter won’t you talk to me

counting crows, "Mrs. Potter's Lullabye"

look at the stars
look how they shine for you
and everything you do
yeah they were all yellow
i came along
i wrote a song for you
and all the things you do
and it was called yellow
so then i took my time
oh what a thing to have done
and it was all yellow
you're skin, oh yeah you're skin and bones
turning in to something beautiful
and you know, you know i love you so
you know i love you so
i swam across
i jumped across for you
oh what a thing to do
cause we were all yellow
i drew a line
i drew a line for you
oh what a thing to do
and it was all yellow
and you're skin, oh yeah you're skin and bones
turning into something beautiful
and you know for you i'd bleed myself dry
for you i'd bleed myself dry
it's true
look how they shine for you
look how they shine for you
look how they shine for
look how they shine for you
look how they shine for you
look how they shine
look at the stars
look how they shine for you
and all the things that you do
coldplay, "yellow"

define weird:

trying to do homework in your pajamas while the number one recruits in the nation for volleyball and basketball sit on your futon reading cosmo and wired.

that's weird.

Okay, look here, david, i went home for thanksgiving. I had better things to do than blog. Well, actually, I kept a running commentary on my journey, but whatever. so here goes.

11-21-01- 1:47 PM PST
To blog.
That sounds like the phrase Westley utters in the Princess Bride when Billy Crystal fills his lungs up with the bellows and then presses on it. “tobllaaaaatth”
Anyway. To blog. I am writing this now to blog later. It is a chronicle of my trip home… my trip home. Home. What an odd concept that is. I feel now that Stanford is my home, that Branner is my home… that California is my home. But suddenly I have been told that Southlake is my home, when I thought I had moved out of Southlake a long time ago. The only part about it that will feel like home is my actual house, and my family. And I wonder if even in my own home if I’ll feel like a guest. Like the family has started to get along without me, like they will be accommodating me because I’m a guest, not because I am at home. I suppose that’s what most frightens me about going home – that it will not really be home. That I’ll be a stranger in a strange land, in my “hometown.” Shusshin. Shusshin wa Texas no Southlake desu. Even more surreal than seeing my family again will be seeing my friends. My friends who have all moved on to a new phase in their lives… each one of us has a new group of friends, a new home, now…
So I’m sitting here in the San Jose airport listening to Fiona Apple moan, “Nothing’s gonna change my world, nothing’s gonna change my world.” No, Fiona… you’re wrong. Everything has changed my world. My world has changed my world. I’ve changed my world, but my world has also changed me. I remember getting off the plane in San Francisco thinking, I will not leave the state of California for two months. Well, two months it has been. Now, it’s time for me to say “farewell” to this gorgeous state which I have adapted myself to, which I have made my own. I have become California and California has become me… what will Texas say when she sees me again? “My, how you’ve changed, my, how you’ve stayed the same!” Nothing could be closer to the truth.

11-22-01- 11:14 PM CST

Thanksgiving day has come and gone once more without really feeling like a holiday. Thanksgiving never really feels like a holiday to me. I really don’t know why. But then, very few days actually do feel like holidays… and I suppose if by feeling like a holiday I mean that we had dinner and ate pie and were home, then it felt like a holiday. Just to me it felt like it was lacking… something. Who knows what.
I spent the day napping. Kind of odd, actually. I learned why they put that little warning on the back of cold and allergy pills: “do not use with alcohol.” I mean, it’s not like I got piss-assed drunk and took cold meds, but I did have a half-glass of wine and a half-glass of champagne, and combined with the medication I was taking to stave off these allergies that I seem to have developed in the interim (I appear to be allergic to Texas. I’m not complaining.), I got very, very drowsy. I slept. I suppose I took three naps this afternoon, and almost a fourth. Weirdness.
Last night in the airport I remember seeing children that reminded me of myself. The first was a little girl, probably four to six, in the San Jose airport, who was dancing across the floor avoiding stepping on cracks. I couldn’t help but smile and think of what that little girl will be like when she’s eighteen. Perhaps she’ll be dancing across the tiles in the quad of Stanford University with some boy who understands perfectly why she orchestrates her steps so carefully… and why you just can’t step on cracks. The second was a boy who was probably five who was trying to teach his mother how to use a palm pilot, but she just didn’t get it. I got a kick out of that… “No, mommy, push THIS button!” “Uh-oh, what did I do wrong?” “You didn’t hit the right button! You have to tap here and then here!” It was really amusing. Then, in the Dallas airport, I saw a small girl, again probably four to six, who was playing a game about “only stepping on the white parts of the floor.” Maybe it was even the same girl. It was still amazingly cute.
So after the effects of the cold medication and the alcohol wore off, I taught myself how to play “Everlong” by the Foo Fighters on the guitar. Carrie bought herself a good entry-level Fender Strat Squier last week, so I got to fool around with it. I’ve got most of the basic chords for Everlong down… I wonder if Mike will be impressed when I play it for him. The tips of the fingers on my left hand kinda hurt. I bet guitarists have callused fingers.
Tomorrow, hopefully I’ll get to hang with some of my homies. Everyone was surprised to hear that I’d be in town for the break, so hopefully people will want to chill.

11-24-01 1:13 AM CST

I can’t sleep.
I just got back from hanging out with Barbara and Natalie about an hour ago. I tried to sleep for about 45 minutes, and I felt that I had a ton of stuff on my mind that needed writing down. So I started thinking about my IHum project, and the way Katie and I are writing our Vagina Monologues. I decided on a theme for my monologue… the way the words “vagina” and “virgin” have four letters in common, and how they both apply to me. I can’t talk about my vagina without talking about my virginity, so why not bring both “out of the dark” so to speak and make people nice and uncomfortable by talking about both. That’d be cool.
So I started writing some vaginality. It’s actually kind of refreshing, talking about private parts. I think our society would be a lot better off if we all said the word “vagina” at least once a day. I’ve tried, over the past few weeks, and I think I’ve succeeded, for the most part. Except for Thursday, when I was just talking to my family… I think that my grandmother would be shocked. Or my mother would be. But that’s just not the sort of thing you talk about with them. But I’m pretty sure I said “Vagina” to Barbara tonight… but I can’t be sure. That’s a good thing, because saying it shouldn’t be that big of a deal. Vagina. Vagina. I have a vagina. Guys talk about penises, why can’t we talk about “vagina” more often? It’s a good thing. Vaginas are good. They’ve been stigmatized by society, so we owe it to them to make it up. Eh. Get over your sorry selves. I have a vagina, and I’m not afraid to use it. Ooooh, I like that line… (copy-pastes line into v-word document) hehehehe. It works. Hooray for vaginas.
So it’s 1:20, and I really don’t feel tired. This is a Bad Thing, because I need to be up and at ‘em with the rest of the family in the morning. I don’t know what’s on the calendar for tomorrow, other than gelato with my home fries, but I’m sure it’ll be interesting… Why is it that I can fall asleep anytime during the day (especially during calculus class) but I can’t fall asleep at night? Maybe it’s the mocha I had at Starbucks with Barbara…
Talked to Mike for awhile tonight on the phone. That was a good thing. He’s having a good time in LA. It sounds like a lot of fun. He also promised me that he’d come pick me up from the San Jose airport on Sunday night, which is a Good Thing. It’s so nice dating someone with easy access to a car… yay cars. Sucks for us frosh, who don’t get cars…

Today’s song clip: I Know by Save Ferris (from the 10 things I Hate About You soundtrack)
My momma said to stay away from guys like you
She said they were nasty, make me do things I don’t wanna do
Stay away from bad boys, they’ve got one thing on their mind
Their hormones are raging, and they want it all the time
And I know know ‘cause she said so but I can’t just let you go
And I know know ‘cause you said so and I can’t just let you go
Well I love you very much you’re nice to see and nice to touch
But I would never ever ever treat you wrong be waiting for you all along
And I know know ‘cause you said so and I can’t just let you go
And I know know ‘cause you said so and I can’t just let you go
Can’t let you go, can’t let you go
I said I want you to know
I said I want you to know right now
I said I want you to know…
And I know know ‘cause she said so and I can’t just let you go
And I know know ‘cause you said so and I can’t just let you go
And I know know ‘cause you said so and I can’t just let you go
Never let you go

11-24-01 11:44 PM CST
Hung out with tons of people at Starbucks tonight. It was me and Lizzie and Nathan and Barbara and Jenny and Natalie. We ran into tons of people there too, people that we graduated with and people who have yet to graduate. We talked about how amazing college has been… Lizzie and I are both happy and in relationships right now… other people are having trouble meeting members of the opposite sex. It was really neat trying to catch up with everyone, after having been apart for so long, but there was also weirdness there. Like we’d all moved on and were together for old time’s sake. I got shit for going to Stanford, which wasn’t so cool. I wish people would stop seeing it as a “prestigious university” and see it as a fucking college. It’s college. I go to class. I study. I party. Same as anywhere else. Get over it.
I’ll stop bitching now. (:

November 25, 2001 7:17 PST (just because PST is convenient…)
I’m in the air again, on the way back to Stanford. It was an interesting vacation, I suppose. It went by pretty damn fast, really… Kind of funny the way that works. Now I look at my syllabus and realize that there is only one real week in the quarter, the end of next week being dead week, followed by exams, and I’ll be home again in two and a half weeks. That’s weird, dude. Weird. But yeah, it’ll be cool. Christmas will be nice because I won’t have too much work to do over the break (if any… I doubt there will be any) which is a Good Thing. It’ll be all Christmas like and shit. And then it’ll be my birthday and the start of winter quarter and a whole bunch of classes and stuff. Eh. I could take that or leave it. But I can say that being at Stanford is better than being at home, because I have two live-in friends and a ton more just down the hall… but I do miss my home friends when I’m there. It’s an intricate balance you have to strike… between there and here… kind of weird. Oh well.
Wee, bloggie!!!!!!!!
Heh heh heh. Yeah, I’m a weirdo.

eric: have fun doing shit
me: oh i will....
me: if by "shit" you mean mike....
eric: LOL
eric: bad kat!
eric: well, i'd have fun doing him too

make of that what you will.

i'll know
by fiona apple

so be it, i'm your crowbar
if that's what i am so far
til you get out of this mess
and i will pretend
that i don't know of your sins
til you are ready to confess
but all the time
all the time
i'll know, i'll know
and you can use my skin
to bury secrets in
and i will settle you down
and at my own suggestion
i will ask no questions
while i do my thing in the background but
all the time
all the time
i'll know, i'll know
baby, i can help you out
i'll see you still around
so for the time being
i'm being patient
and i'll miss this bitterness
if you'll just consider this
even if it don't make sense
all the time
give it time
and when the crowd becomes your burden
and you've already closed your curtain
i'll wait by the backstage door
while you try to find
the lines to speak your mind
and pry it open, hoping for an encore
and if it gets too late
for me to wait
for you to find you love me
and tell me so
it's okay
don't need to say it --

oh make me over
i'm all i wanna be
a walking study
in demonology

when i listen to hole, i remember my eighth grade year. what an odd year that was. i really don't remember that much of it, other than the fact that i was an angry adolescent. it was painful. i didn't have very much self-confidence... that was before i realized that true coolness comes from within, and if you have the confidence in yourself to be strong then you can handle anything. but no, i was an amphibian then. a tadpole. i was starting to sprout legs, but i still had that hideous tail that made me want to hide in the corner.
i remember more than anything just being angry. liking boys who would never like me back. i remember mom telling me that i dressed like a pearl jam reject, in my flannel and baggy jeans. i remember abusing my albuterol inhaler. i remember skipping athletics almost every day spring semester to go with stephanie and play with the animals in mr. allison's room. what a liberating discovery it was that they didn't take attendance in that class, or that you could slip between the cracks and get out without anyone noticing.
eighth grade is the year i usually overlook when i remember my past. ninth grade and seventh grade stand out so much more: seventh because of the "nathan drama" and ninth because of that excruciating moment when i asked jason burns to the backwards prom and he looked at me like, who the fuck are you? eighth grade... it just wasn't. it wasn't exciting, it wasn't fun, but it wasn't terribly painful either.
i think that's the year i was closest to hitting rock bottom though. i think that if my parents hadn't had such a close eye on me i would have started smoking pot and drinking. of course, at that point, i thought that those two things were the epitome of bad-assery, but no one i hung out with did either, so i suppose i was fortunate in that respect.
eighth grade must have been the year i went trick or treating with barbara and abbi as two hippies (abbi and i) and a psycho four-year-old (barbara, who else?)...
ohh, that was the year that barbara cast the love spell on brian at the colorguard sleepover... and had a stalker for the next six years. that incident, as well as a few ouija-board-related incidents at abbi's house, totally freaked me out.
i wore black fingernail polish. i wanted to be a freak. i wanted kurt cobain to still be alive. i wanted to fuck spencer rex. now, he's a used-up drughead, still in high school. he skated. i wished i could skate. i wanted to be an outcast. i wanted to be tortured.
i wrote a shitload of poetry that year. bad poetry. poetry i always meant to put to music, but it just didn't work. the poetry of someone who wishes they hurt, but really doesn't. someone who wants to be misunderstood, just so they can yell at their parents, "you just don't understand me!" the problem was that they did. so much for my plans to be a starving artist.
i think i wanted to be courtney love.

oh look at my face
my name is might have been
my name is never was
my name is forgotten

what an odd day

here's something weird about me. I reload my own blog compulsively. not to up the counters, because i have a counter block on this computer, but just to see if i've posted anything more to my blog. i expect someone else to update it for me. who knows why. maybe i'm just expecting people to leave me comments. maybe i'm just bored. hmm.

i hate napping in the afternoon. i wake up all disoriented 'n shit. i don't know when it is, or where i am. blah.

today is monday. wednesday, i go home. that'll be hell. I leave campus at about 12:30 in a carful of four sophomores headed for LA (hooray for people who like me and give me rides!!) My flight isn't until 4:05, but due to security regulation shit and travel hell on the day before thanksgiving, i figure it'll be hard to get there too early. because i just looooove hanging out in airports. i bet i can find some shit to do... study japanese, play with my computer, read a book... something. blah.
I get to dallas about 9:30... theoretically. which means that the flight might be in before 10:30, and i might be home by 11. More likely I'll get home in the late hours... ugh. what a day. that's 10 hours of travel time, allowing for the time change... ew. not looking forward to that one. :P

thursday is thanksgiving. friday and saturday i hope to be able to spend some time with my friends from home. sunday night, i fly back. i need to get an answer from mike on whether or not he can pick me up from the airport on sunday night, so i can make plans. not that it's that bad, because getting from the airport is easier. i could just flag down a shuttle or whatever. it'd just be nice to have a familiar face there to pick me up.

it's weird, i'm going to miss my friends here while i'm at home. it seems like this would be the place where i do the missing, but it feels like home now. i live in branner hall. i love branner. i love stanford. i love california. they are my home now.

tonight is the ihum fair, where millions of frosh, sick of their autumn ihum courses, go to pick out a new winter-spring sequence. i'm looking at power and passion, serious laughter, and reason, passion and reality. i've accepted the fact that ihum sucks and that i'm going to have to take an ihum course, so i'm trying to find the least sucky of them all. :P

oh yeah, i aced my japanese vocab quiz this morning. tomorrow, we get our calc midterms back. i don't know how i did, but silvia said she saw the top of the grading sheet of mine and that i aced both the first two questions, which is a good sign. i can't have gotten less than a 40 then.

anyway, jamie's here, so i need to publish and head off to the ihum fair. what fun. weee!

The fish trap exists because of the fish. Once you've gotten the fish you can forget the trap. The rabbit snare exists because of the rabbit. Once you've gotten the rabbit, you can forget the snare. Words exist because of meaning. Once you've gotten the meaning, you can forget the words. Where can I find a man who has forgotten words so I can talk with him?"
--Chuang Tzu //wow, jamie

all i ever wanted
all i ever needed
is here
in my arms
words are very
unnecessary
they can only do harm
--depeche mode

language is an annoying necessity
--splendid

today was big game

so, we big gamed. here's the chronology of events of today:
3:00: I go to bed.
5:30: my alarm goes off. "fuck," i say. then, "Big Game today," i think, and pry myself out of bed, get dressed and presentable, and...
6:00: haul my butt to the Shak. wait around awhile for people to show up (no one makes 6AM ATSes, i should learn this.
6:30: we go out to the stadium to rehearse.
7:00: we rehearse. (walking to the stadium is a pretty big ordeal, especially with late people and stuff.
10:00: rehearsal ends. damn, that was a long rehearsal.
10:15: weee breakfast!!
10:40: go back to my room and awake the sleeping kal student on my futon. he went to high school with heather, so he wasn't totally random, but whatever. talked to him for awhile while i am walking in and out of the room preparing for the game.
11:20: ATS.
11:40: we line up to march to the stadium. weeee.
12:00: we march into the stadium. it's funny. most of the stadium is red and white, but there's this large portion behind the end zone that is largely blue and yellow. cal band performs their all-serious-n-shit pregame show, we perform our goofy pregame show, we play the anthem together.
12:30: game starts. it really wasn't that exciting, even though we didn't win by the margin we expected to. perhaps that's why... we were kind of disappointed. we were actually behind at one point, which REALLY bummed us. we ended up with the win, 35-28, but it wasn't the 60-0 we were hoping for. ah well.
5:00: game ends. weeee.

Branner,
Here are the basics of what went on tonight. There was an electrical
fire in the microwave of one of the rooms in the first floor odd hall.
How exactly it was started is unknown, but a cell phone was put in the
microwave, which was subsequently turned on. We do not know who did
this. Police are investigating the situation, so if you saw anyone you
did not recognize in Branner around 1:00 wandering the halls, please let
a staff member know so we can give any clues we have to the police.
According to the firemen, there is no structural damage to the
building. There are a few important things to be taken from this
situation, not only in Big Game Week, but in general:

1. LOCK YOUR DOORS. Even if you are sleeping. Keep your keys on you at
all times.
2. DO NOT PROP OUTSIDE DOORS. People we don't want coming in will come
in, and this weekend is an especially vulnerable time with so many extra
people on campus.
3. LOCK YOUR BIKES, & LOCK THEM TO SOMETHING. Many have been stolen,
locks have been cut, but don't tempt a thief with an unlocked bike.
4. DO NOT DO ANYTHING RETALIATORY. We don't know who did this, it could
have been anyone, Stanford, Cal, or otherwise. It does not help anyone
to do anything violent, let's take the high road.
5. KEEP THE BRANNER LOVE. We saw a lot of good things tonight with
residents getting together to make sure everything and everyone was
okay. Keep up this attitude of looking out for one another.

That is all for tonight, it's time for bed.
If you have any questions about what went on, feel free to contact a
staff member.

Take care y'all,
Branner Staff

Okay, so i should be sleeping, 'cause it's my night at the Shak. Weee. That means I'm going to be spending the entire damn night at the band shak... what fun. So yeah, time to nap. yay naps.

Well, it's almost all over... just a couple more hours to go. After my Ihum facilitation it'll just be the calc midterm... and I think I'll be okay on that . I did really well on both the practice midterms, which is definitely a Good Thing, so I'm not too concerned about the midterm itself. Anyway, after the midterm I'm just gonna crash... perhaps I'll go sit at the coho by myself and draw people. Last night I got the strange urge to draw someone, so i sketched a picture of this kid Mikey who was performing at the coho then. it turned out ok... i need more practice. It's fun stuff though... weee!

tenki wa yokunai desu

so it's raining again today... how dreary. everyone is bitching and moaning about the weather... if only they knew that this is what it's going to be like from january through spring break. haha.

don't it make you sad to know that life
is more than who we are?

Worked out at tresidder again today. I feel pretty good. The problem is that it's so time-consuming... working out and then showering is at least an hour and a half. but then, it's worth it if it helps me feel better about myself.

lost for you,
i'm so lost for you.

the grey ceiling on the earth
well it's lasted for awhile
take my thoughts for what they're worth
i've been acting like a child
your opinion what is that
it's just a different point of view

what else what else can i do
i said i'm sorry yeah i'm sorry
i said i'm sorry but what for
if i hurt you then i hate myself
i don't wanna hate myself

why do you choose your pain
if you only knew how much i love you

i won't be your winter
i won't be anyone's excuse to cry
we can be forgiven
and i will be here

the old picture on the shelf
has been there for awhile
frozen image of ourselves
we were acting like a child
innocent in a trance
in a dance that lasted for awhile

you read my eyes just like your diary
just remember, please remember
i'm not a beggar, and what's more
if i hurt you then i hate my self
i don't wanna hate myself

why do you choose your pain
if you only knew how much i love you

i won't be your winter
i won't be anyone's excuse to cry
we can be forgiven
and i will be here

i won't be your winter
i won't be anyone's excuse to cry
we can be forgiven
and i will be here

i don't mind you coming here
and wasting all my time
'cause when you're standing oh so near
i kind of lose my mind
it's not the perfume that you wear
it's not the ribbons in your hair
i don't mind you coming here
and wasting all my time

i don't mind you hanging out
and talking in your sleep
it doesnt' matter where you've been
as long as it was deep, yeah
you always knew too very well
and you look so fancy, i can tell
i don't mind you hanging out
and talking in your sleep

i guess you're just what i needed
i needed someone to feed
i guess you're just what i needed
i needed someone to bleed

i don't mind you coming here
and wasting all my time time
'cause when you're standing oh so near
i kind of lose my mind, yeah
it's not the perfume that you wear
it's not the ribbons in your hair
i don't mind you coming here
and wasting all my time

i guess you're just what i needed
i needed someone to feed
i guess you're just what i needed
i needed someone to bleed

i guess you're just what i needed
i needed someone to feed
i guess you're just what i needed
i needed someone to bleed

you're just what i needed
you're just what i needed
you're just what i needed

i remember sophomore year in high school, when i had the hugest crush on patrick grady, the lead singer for a band at our school... they performed this song at the annual talent show and i thought it was the most amazing thing i'd ever heard. wow, that was an interesting year. and patrick was such a sexy bitch, too... mmm.

she was my once in a lifetime
happy ending come true
i guess i should have told her
i thought she knew
she said i took her for granted
that's the last thing i would do
oh i'll never understand it
i thought she knew
i thought she knew my world revolved around her
my love light burned for her alone
but she couldn't see the flame
only myself to blame
i should have known
i should have known
a heart full of words left unspoken
now that we're through
i tell my soul to have the silence broken
oh i thought she knew
i thought she knew my world revolved around her
my love light burned for her alone
but she couldn't see the flame
only myself to blame
i should have known
i should have known
she was my once in a lifetime
happy ending come true
oh i guess i should have told her
but i thought she knew
i thought she knew
i thought she knew
i thought that she knew.

(so, if you think nsync has no talent whatsoever, come over here and i'll give you a talking-to and we can listen to that song, the last one on the no strings attached disc. yeah. they're amazing.)

chill day. today is a chill day.
i love chill days.
flicks tonight... varsity blues! kicking off big game week with some sexy dawson's creek action. hooray for teenybopper heartthrobs.

i really can't wait until tuesday is over. then it'll all be over. monday i have the japanese vocab quiz, tuesday i have ihum critique, discussion facilitation, and the calc midterm. after that, i'm good to go.
then wednesday is our night in the shak.
and thursday we haven't got a problem set due.
and friday... gaieties! and the branner gaieties prank! i don't know how we're going to beat last year's 6-foot ejaculating penis, but we'll figure something out.
and saturday is Big Game!!! WEEEEEE!

It's too bad Big Game isn't going to even be a game this year... we're gonna wipe the golden bears into the dirt. poor guys haven't won a single game all season. :(

mmmm. big game week. mmm.

mmmm... blog me.

my feet stink. and i have nothing to say. i don't know why i'm even blogging right now. interesting.

tonight i'm tangled in my blanket of clouds
dreaming aloud
things just won't do without you
matter of fact
oh i'm on your back
i'm on your back
oh, i'm on your back

if you'd accept surrender, give up some more
weren't you adored
i cannot be without you
matter of fact
oh i'm on your back

if you walk out on me
i'm walking after you
if you walk out on me
i'm walking after you

another heart is cracked
in two
i'm on your back

i cannot be without you
matter of fact
oh, i'm on your back
i'm on your back
oh, i'm on your back

if you walk out on me
i'm walking after you
if you walk out on me
i'm walking after you
if you walk out on me
i'm walking after you

days like this i don't know what to do with myself
all day and all night
i wander the halls along the walls and under my breath
i say to myself i need fuel to take flight
and there is too much going on
but it's calm under the waves
in the blue of my oblivion
under the waves
in the blue of my oblivion
is that why they call me a sullen girl
sullen girl
they don't know i used to sail the deep and tranquil sea
but it washed me ashore
and it took my pearl
and left an empty shell of me
and there is too much going on
but it's calm under the waves
in the blue of my oblivion
under the waves
in the blue of my oblivion
under the waves
in the blue of my oblivion
it's calm under the waves
in the blue of my oblivion

-fiona apple, "sullen girl"

yeah, haven't blogged in awhile. life is going quite well though... quite well. installed the new OS on my sexy laptop making it even sexier. i'm in love with it. been spending a lot of time with mike... definitely falling for him. don't think that's a bad thing, however... (:

i'm listening to fiona apple, listening to her bitch and moan... i love her music, even when i can't relate to it. something about her voice is calming and puts me in a certain mood. good stuff.

flicks tonight was AI. Man, i loved that movie. It was kind of long the second time around (i dont' remember thinking it was so long the first time though) but man, it was still awesome. Deep. of course, no one else in the theater appreciated it. Ah well.

Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world.

my os is sexier than your os

yeah, i did it. i took the plunge. i gave into the man.

I installed Windows XP.

And I'm loving every minute of it.

Once you've had XP, you'll never go back, or that's what they say. Or something. Anyway, yeah. it's great. It's fast. It's sexy. It loads without problems. It's integrated. It's Bill G's next step in taking over the world. It's wonderful.

back by popular demand... kat... uncensored! weee!
mad props to my anonymous donor too. i love you.
(notice the lack of banner ads. :)