hm, it's been awhile since i've blogged. i've got classes all up in my grill, yo; way too many classes for way too few units. i like the way i just put a semicolon after the word "yo." it was a typo at first, but i liked it like that. so i left it. anyway, my classes. there are a hell of a lot of them. 5 in which i am a student and 1 in which i am a teacher. whee. i found out a few days ago that i get paid for teaching CS1C in addition to my RCC stipend, which is excellent. $10 an hour for like 2 or 3 hours a week, not a WHOLE lot of money, but enough for something fun, like a cd or a night out. hooray!

i need to stop the amazon.com impulse shopping. last week i bought neal stephenson's new novel which looks excellent and i'm sure will be a good read. and then today i bought death cab for cutie's "we have the facts and we're voting yes" and interpol's "turn on the bright lights". hooray for indie music. i feel like such a hipster listening to death cab and the postal service and stuff but it is just awesome music.

oh well. it's 7:20 and i have a 7:30. i hate evening classes, but i guess i have to put up with it. gr. 2 hours long too. yucky.

no one has ever made me as happy as you do. seriously. that one night in late june when i got home from europe and hit rock bottom as far as my depression goes was the first night we ever talked on the phone. i felt as though my life was over before you called; when we hung up 45 minutes later, i realized that it wasn't, and i even had a smile on my face. even then i think i sensed something - the fact that the conversation just flowed so well over that 45 minutes, the fact that you were so good at listening to me and talking to me about my problems when we barely even knew each other just seemed too good to be true. the way you weren't scared off this july when my relationship with my family was deteriorating and my depression was really coming to a head. the fact that you'd drive for hours just to hang out with me. the way that no matter how low i felt, just fifteen minutes on the phone with you put a smile on my face. the way you just want to be able to help me out when i need it. the way i can gaze into your eyes for hours on end and i feel like i'm gazing into your soul. there have been a couple times in my life when i thought that i was truly in love with someone. each time, i've been proven wrong, or discovered that it wasn't love. with my last relationship i was just trying to force something that wasn't there. with the one before that, it was just not meant to be. the time before, there was a connection when we were not together, but the time we spent together was awkward and forced. but with you, there is this deep connection that i just cannot describe, something i've never experienced before. maybe i really never have been in love before. but i'm pretty damn sure that i am now.

last week I had the strangest dream that
everything was exactly how it seemed
where there was never any mystery of who shot John F. Kennedy
it was just a man with something to prove
slightly bored and severly confused
he steadied his rifle with his target in the center
and became famous on that day in november

don't wake me I plan on sleeping in

again last night I had that strange dream
where everything was exactly how it seemed
no concerns about the world getting warmer
people thought that they were just being rewarded
for treating others as they'd like to be treated
for obeying stop signs and curing diseases
for mailing letters with the address of the sender
now we can swim any day in november

don't wake me I plan on sleeping in
-the postal service, sleeping in

so classes start tomorrow. here's my tentative schedule for tomorrow:
10:00-11:50 art 140
2:15-4:05 ME 80
4:15-? CS1C organizational meeting
10:00 house meeting

site of the moment: pixelgirl presents desktops. some of the coolest desktop images i've seen in a long time. this is the one i'm using right now. they're so different they're awesome. what fun.

band of the moment: freezepop. cheesy, completely ironic synth-pop. so cute.

i'm a science genius girl
i won the science fair
i wear a white lab coat
dna strands in my hair

when i clone a human being
it will want to hold my hand
when i clone a human being
it will be a member of my band
it will be a member of my band
it will be a member of my band

scientific method girl
the theorems speak to me
microscope is in my hand
x1, x2, x3

when i clone a human being
it will want to hold my hand
when i clone a human being
it will be a member of my band
it will be a member of my band
it will be a member of my band

measure out the chemicals
safety goggles on my eyes
turn the bunsen burner on
my creation comes alive

i have cloned a human being
it is here and holds my hand
i have cloned a human being
it is now a member of my band
it is now a member of my band
it is now a member of my band
i have cloned a human being
it is here and holds my hand
i have cloned a human being
it is now a member of my band

yeah. cheesy-ass lyrics, but the sound is so fun and light and likable. yummy freezepop.

t minus 5 hours and 45 minutes until the frosh show up. yikes. i think i might get 4 hours of sleep if i go to bed like NOW. that would be awesome. and then it's insanity. blehhhh. i'm not good at being sleep deprived. i'm getting a crash course in it now though and i'm sure it'll continue through all of orientation and probably at least the first week of classes as well. so tomorrow it's bright shiny happy faces and enthusiasm. tonight it's sleeping like a rock for 4 hours.

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearcr at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

tee hee ;)

day after tomorrow, they get here. that's in, like, 30 hours. that kind of frightens me. freshmen. 164 of them. yikes. yikes yikes yikes. it's so weird though thinking about it, because they will be the center of our year. we'll laugh with them, cry with them, eat with them, sleep with the... oh. wait, no, we won't be doing that. man, i'm sleep deprived and i'm getting delirious. fuck it, i'm going to bed. have a nice night.

goodnight, to every little hour that you sleep tite
may it hold you through the winter of a long night
and keep you from the loneliness of yourself
heart strung is your heart frayed and empty
cause it's hard luck, when no one understands your love
it's unsung, and i say
goodnight, my love, to every hour in every day
goodnight, always, to all that's in your heart

goodnight, may your dreams be so happy and your
head lite with the wishes of a sandman and a night light
be careful not to let the bedbugs sleep tight nestled in your covers
the sun shines but i don't
a silver rain will wash away
and you can tell, it's just as well
goodnight, my love, to every hour in every day
goodnight, always to all that's pure that's in your heart

i felt like the world had lost its sway
it's so hard sometimes
then i fell in love with you
then came you
and you took that away
it's not so difficult, the world is not so difficult
you take away the old
and show me the new
and i feel like i can fly when i stand next to you

so staff retreat totally kicked ass. two nights in a house on the beach in monterrey, swimming in the ocean, tequila shots with the girls, getting smashed and oversharing, actually learning names to go with frosh faces, getting to know everyone better, learning something about each and every person on staff, 2am walks on the beach, great kennell quotes, tooooo much chinese food, getting lost in watsonville, "don't you all feel like, oh, i need to go skinny-dipping in the undertow," JP singing songs about everything, the dead labrador on the beach, frolicking...

one fish, two fish, red fish, branner
all quiet on the branner front
branna karenina
supercalifragilisticexpialibranner
osama bin branner
george w. branner
frosh prince of bran-air

fragility

is what i feel right now. vulnerability. weakness. why did i let that get to me? why did i have the unquenchable desire to call out his name as i saw him walk down the hall? why did i, upon seeing that he was wearing that black shirt that i liked, instantly remember the way his body felt to my hand through that shirt? why can i not block it out of my mind? why am i allowing myself to be a victim to his continued emotional abuse? why doesn't he realize how much this is hurting me? why did he do that? why am i so full of questions?

did i really think that i was stable enough to go to school? well, did i really have a choice? but i couldn't have imagined that just seeing his back as he walked down the hall would elicit such a strong response. why did it do that? why do i continue to blame myself for the failure of a relationship that was doomed to begin with?

let me just say that whoever came up with the idea of not dating anyone until you were 100% over your ex was full of shit. i think that right now if i didn't have the emotional support that i have in mr. wonderful, then i'd be a wreck. even more of a wreck than i already am, rather. blahhhhh. i think i'm just sleep deprived. i promise i'm usually happier than this.

mph.

welll.... 12 more hours, and I'll be at the airport. 13 hours and I'll be on the plane. 18 hours and I'll be in California. In 24 hours I'll be busily unpacking my stuff, lofting my bed, tacking posters to the walls and putting sheets on my bed. In 26 hours, I'll be at the RCC welcome. 28 hours until my first meeting with Kennell. It's hard to believe the summer is over, but man, I'm glad it is. I'm having trouble with the concept that I'm actually moving into *branner* tomorrow. Branner fucking hall. Jesus. but not the same Branner as I lived in two years ago - an entirely renovated, new, beautiful Branner. I just can't conceptualize it. And this next week will fly by, I know. Just a week and a half until the freshmen show up, with their bright shiny smiley faces, full of energy and questions. I'll be cornered by dads who want to pretend like they know all the answers but know that they really don't. I'll have to set up a billion and a half ethernet connections, and tell half a billion kids what an ethernet is. I'm going to have to come up with curriculum for a class. I'm TEACHING a CLASS this quarter. Yargh, that seems like so much. But most of all, I have to pretend like I know what I'm doing, and be confident in myself. We'll see how long it takes for me to have my first breakdown. *sigh*

oh. 12 days, 5 hours. :D

god DAMMIT time is passing quickly. I can't even handle this, it's almost frightening. It seems like I just got up and now it's 7pm. I guess it's because I've been so busy the past couple of days getting ready to leave. I leave bright (well actually dark) and early Tuesday morning, so I've only got one more day here. Jeez. I'm having trouble believing it.

I'm almost ready to go though, one more suitcase to pack and I'm outta here. I have to clean my room and stuff too, ugh. But only 2 more nights in this bed of mine, then it's off to dorm furniture. Community bathrooms. Dining hall food. 8-hour (and 1 10-hour) training days. Luanne, Sagar, Mike, Will, Kevin, JP, Alex, Caroline, Britt, Isaac, and Joseph. California weather. Staff retreat. Palm trees. Freshmen. Classes. New Branner. Wow, there's a lot to look forward to... I just hope time stops passing this quickly once I get there.

my mood just took a major nosedive. over nothing. ughhh i hate how that happens.

i think i'm gonna chalk it up to "that time of the month" and try to move on.

15 days, 2.5 hours.

i really like this picture, for obvious reasons - it's the only picture on my computer that has both me and jared in it. but there's something about it that just makes my stomach squirm (in that oh so enjoyable way). something really small. it's this:



i know, it's insignificant. it's just my hand on his waist. but when i look at it, i can remember what it feels like to have my hand on that waist... the warmth, the firmness of human flesh... the way there's this certain energy field that i can always sense whenever my skin is within an inch of his... and i can almost feel it, and i can almost feel his palm resting on the small of my back.

the rest of the picture, whatever. it's a good picture of all of us. but the part of that picture that elicits the gut reaction from me is whenever i look at that hand. it just makes me giddy.

16 days, 2 hours.

caffeine addiction is not something i enjoy. i don't want to be forced to drink a fucking mountain dew every day, what if i get tired of them? i like mt dew just fine, but the fact that it's compulsory now and not just because i want to is kind of annoying. damn caffeine headaches.

the doctor, the bank, wendy's... the excitement just never stops.

i love having a frosty for lunch though... <3 wendy's frostys

i'm trying to figure out what it means when i have dreams with overwhelming negative emotions. i've had dreams where i was so angry that i couldn't control it, and last night i was just so sad that i had no hope of ever feeling better. i don't even remember the plot in either of those dreams, just the overwhelming sadness. i have no idea what it's trying to tell me.

at least i had a dream with jared in it afterwards. that sort of makes up for it.

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blaaaargh.