yaaaaaaaay thanksgiving break yaaaaaaaaaay seeing jared!!!! and grandparents! yaaaaaaaay! see you all again on sunday.

comment, people. please.

My swirling wants. Your frozen lips.
The grammar turned and attacked me.

Themes, written under duress.
Emptiness of the notations.

They gave me a drug that slowed the healing of wounds.

I want you to see this before I leave:
The experience of repetition as death
the failure of criticism to locate the pain,
the poster in the bus that said:
my bleeding is under control.

A red plant in a cemetary of plastic wreathes.

A last attempt; the language is a dialect called metaphor.
These images go unglossed: hair, glacier, flashlight.
When I speak of a landscape I am thinking of a time.
When I talk of taking a trip I mean forever.
I could say, Those mountains have a meaning,
but further than that I could not say.

To do something very common, in my own way.

-"A Valediction Forbidding Mourning," Adrienne Rich

This is by far my favorite poem. I don't usually even really like poetry, but this one gripped me the first time I read it and has stuck with me ever since. I have it memorized just because I've read it so many times. I have it posted on the wall by my bed, and it runs through my head whenever I'm having a tough time. Like right now. It really hits home for me right now, because I am taking a trip, and I mean forever. And I'm heading off to do something very common, in my own way. And I just want people to understand and accept that.

wow. i really hate this place, when it comes down to it. people here are so repressed and narrow-minded and they've convinced themselves that their way of looking at the world is the only right way. they think they're "fortunate" and "saved" but are they happy? really? no.

on my to-do list:
- tell kennell and rest of staff that i'm leaving
- get residence dean to sign my leave of absence form
- tell rescomp people i'm leaving
- find a car
- talk to kim and dave about crashing for a week or 2
- pack all my shit up
- find a room or apartment
- find a job
- survive

and three....

craigslist has become my new best friend. i've searched it for apartment listings, used cars, and jobs... just in the past 3 days.

and second... (comments welcome ;)

first in a series

i just wrote this in my sketchbook after doing a quick sketch:

drawing pictures of him in some bizarre way makes him feel closer. when i draw his eyes i can remember staring deeply into them. when i draw his hands i feel them in mine. when i draw his arm i can remember running my finger along the hair on it and how soft his skin feels

and i miss him


it occurred to me that if i had a scanner i could do a sketch blog. how cool would that be? too bad i haven't got one.

days like this i don't know what to do with myself
all day and all night i wander the halls along the walls and
under my breath i say to myself i need fuel to take flight
and there's too much going on
but it's calm under the waves in the blue of my oblivion
under the waves in the blue of my oblivion

is that why they call me a sullen girl, sullen girl
they don't know i used to sail the deep and tranquil sea
but he washed me shore and he took my pearl
and left an empty shell of me

and there's too much going on
but it's calm under the waves in the blue of my oblivion
under the waves in the blue of my oblivion
under the waves in the blue of my oblivion
it's calm under the waves in the blue of my oblivion

-fiona apple, sullen girl

I keep dreaming about going shopping. I don't get it. Last night I dreamed that I was shopping at abercrombie, and they were selling pencils for $10.99 each. How typical of them.

I also keep dreaming about going to the bathroom in front of other people. Like the stall door won't close, or has a window in it, or the walls are too low. I'm confused. What is my subconscious trying to tell me?

how did my life end up in this situation anyway?

what am i thinking about doing again? and why?

oh yeah.

I’m gonna make a mistake-
I’m gonna do it on purpose
I’m gonna waste my time
cuz I’m full as a tick
and I’m scratching at the surface
and what I find is mine
and when the day is done, and I look back
and the fact is I had fun, fumbling around
all the advice I shunned, and I ran
where they told me not to run, but I sure
had fun, so
I’m gonna fuck it up again
I’m gonna do another detour
unpave my path
and if you wanna make sense
whatcha looking at me for
I’m no good at math
and when I find my way back,
the fact is I just may stay, or I may not
I’ve acquired quite a taste
for a well-made mistake
I wanna mistake why can’t I make a mistake?
I’m always doing what I think I should
almost always doing everybody good
why
do I wanna do right, of course but
do I really wanna feel I’m forced to
answer you, hell no
I’ve acquired quite a taste
for a well-made mistake, I wanna
make a mistake, why can’t I make a mistake
I’m always doing what I think I should
almost always doing everybody good
why
-fiona apple, "a mistake"

i really just can't quite figure it out. is the fact that i really, really dislike doing work for my classes normal? i mean, most people don't like to do problem sets, but i just can't force myself to do them sometimes. sometimes i wonder if this means that i'm just not like other people here. the other kids here, they seem to be machines. they get things done. they buckle down. i used to be like that, but now i just can't. take the paper that was due like 2 weeks ago that i still haven't started. every time i think about starting it, or try to start it, my brain turns itself off. i've got input coming from all sides of me telling me what i should do, or what i need to do, without any thought to what i want to do. is that the sacrifice i have to make to be a member of society? my happiness? can anyone ever be truly happy? maybe i should move out to the middle of nowhere and live off the land and fuck everyone else. right now i really need someone to be here for me, to hug me, to tell me i'll survive no matter what. because right now i'm really really confused about what i'm doing here, whether i'm in the right place, and what i want to do after i get out of here. the idea of working in the field of engineering makes my stomach turn and my heart sad. but then, will i ever be able to let go of all the things that burden my emotions and be happy? will i ever be truly happy? i really don't know. it's really fucked up. i want my parents to understand. i want the nagging voice they have implanted in my mind about who valid members of society are and do to shut up and go away. i thought my therapist this summer was full of shit when she told me that there was a nagging "mom voice" in my head, but it's yelling loud and clear now. what i want to do is wrong. the only right path is from college to career, following in the footsteps of the Man. there's no room in society for artists. it's difficult to make it as an artist, and i'm not good enough. i'm suddenly starting to see the point of the old lambda nu rcc, who dropped out of school 2 months shy of graduation after seeing the movie "adaptation" and went off to try to be a writer. he's following his heart. so few people actually have the balls to do that. i know, if i leave after this year and don't finish, i won't have a good enough portfolio to get into grad school. i know i don't have enough money to get on my feet, and i'd need help. i also know if i do what my parents think is right and what they want me to do, i won't have a good enough portfolio to get into grad school either. so in a way dropping my cs minor in favor of an art minor, and finishing my product design degree, is sort of following my heart, while still covering my ass. but is covering my ass necessary? probably. i need to admit to myself that i need to finish my degree and graduate. dear god, who ever would have thought this would be so difficult for me? i'm invincible, remember?

i miss my boyfriend. a lot.

old and busted: britney spears
new hotness: paris hilton.

evidently you don't need to even pretend to have talent to be famous anymore. that's awesome. i'm fascinated by this girl like i've never been obsessed with a celebrity before. she's rich. she's stupid (or at least pretends to be). she's hot. she doesn't do jack shit except party and shop (and face it, you wouldn't either if you were heir to a massive hotel fortune). the way she's just exploded into the media in the last couple of months makes me think that she woke up one day and was like, "i want to be famous!" and then set about becoming so. and, let's face it, she lives like the rest of us wish we could. oh, and did i mention that she's hot (in a waiflike, freakish, disgusting way)?

i had a really great session with my therapist this morning. we talked a lot about figuring out what makes me happy and what makes me depressed, and, well, it's an interesting pattern. what makes me happy: creating things. painting. welding. what makes me upset: problem sets. papers. shit. it's not a good pattern for someone who's trying to get a degree in engineering at all. i found out about a class offered spring quarter that's jewelrymaking. i heard that it's intense, but a lot of fun, and i really want to give it a try. making jewelry really excites me. we don't have the facilities here at stanford to do a whole lot with it, but it seems like something i should learn about. i've also been reading about the university of washington's metals program - it sounds awesome.

i think that's all i have to say right now. oh, and also, jared is gonna shit his pants when he sees his birthday present. that is all.

things i am ridiculously in love with, in no particular order:
badly drawn boy, "magic in the air"
thinking of art as the meaning of life*
jared

*note to self: expand upon this idea later

i want to be an art major.

it's probably a bad idea to arrive at that conclusion on a day that i have an interview with apple, huh.

well, i'd just written up a rant about the airline industry raping people who want to travel during the holidays, and then i remembered that southwest flies to SJC and to SEA. Soooooo... no more rant. fuck the big airlines, i'm flying southwest.

do you realize
that you have the most beautiful face
do you realize
we're floating in space
do you realize
that happiness makes you cry
do you realize
that everyone you know someday will die
and instead of saying all of your goodbyes
let them know you realize that life goes fast
it's hard to make the good things last
you realize the sun doesn't go down
it's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round
do you realize
do you realize
that everyone you know someday will die
and instead of saying all of your goodbyes
let them know you realize that life goes fast
it's hard to make the good things last
you realize the sun doesn't go down
it's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round
do you realize
that you have the most beautiful face
do you realize?

-the flaming lips, "do you realize?"

life's little rules, part 745: if you find yourself in an awkward social situation with an ex, the appropriate response is NOT to drink yourself into oblivion so that it doesn't "feel" awkward. You're only victimizing yourself.