eric: have fun doing shit
me: oh i will....
me: if by "shit" you mean mike....
eric: LOL
eric: bad kat!
eric: well, i'd have fun doing him too

make of that what you will.

i'll know
by fiona apple

so be it, i'm your crowbar
if that's what i am so far
til you get out of this mess
and i will pretend
that i don't know of your sins
til you are ready to confess
but all the time
all the time
i'll know, i'll know
and you can use my skin
to bury secrets in
and i will settle you down
and at my own suggestion
i will ask no questions
while i do my thing in the background but
all the time
all the time
i'll know, i'll know
baby, i can help you out
i'll see you still around
so for the time being
i'm being patient
and i'll miss this bitterness
if you'll just consider this
even if it don't make sense
all the time
give it time
and when the crowd becomes your burden
and you've already closed your curtain
i'll wait by the backstage door
while you try to find
the lines to speak your mind
and pry it open, hoping for an encore
and if it gets too late
for me to wait
for you to find you love me
and tell me so
it's okay
don't need to say it --

oh make me over
i'm all i wanna be
a walking study
in demonology

when i listen to hole, i remember my eighth grade year. what an odd year that was. i really don't remember that much of it, other than the fact that i was an angry adolescent. it was painful. i didn't have very much self-confidence... that was before i realized that true coolness comes from within, and if you have the confidence in yourself to be strong then you can handle anything. but no, i was an amphibian then. a tadpole. i was starting to sprout legs, but i still had that hideous tail that made me want to hide in the corner.
i remember more than anything just being angry. liking boys who would never like me back. i remember mom telling me that i dressed like a pearl jam reject, in my flannel and baggy jeans. i remember abusing my albuterol inhaler. i remember skipping athletics almost every day spring semester to go with stephanie and play with the animals in mr. allison's room. what a liberating discovery it was that they didn't take attendance in that class, or that you could slip between the cracks and get out without anyone noticing.
eighth grade is the year i usually overlook when i remember my past. ninth grade and seventh grade stand out so much more: seventh because of the "nathan drama" and ninth because of that excruciating moment when i asked jason burns to the backwards prom and he looked at me like, who the fuck are you? eighth grade... it just wasn't. it wasn't exciting, it wasn't fun, but it wasn't terribly painful either.
i think that's the year i was closest to hitting rock bottom though. i think that if my parents hadn't had such a close eye on me i would have started smoking pot and drinking. of course, at that point, i thought that those two things were the epitome of bad-assery, but no one i hung out with did either, so i suppose i was fortunate in that respect.
eighth grade must have been the year i went trick or treating with barbara and abbi as two hippies (abbi and i) and a psycho four-year-old (barbara, who else?)...
ohh, that was the year that barbara cast the love spell on brian at the colorguard sleepover... and had a stalker for the next six years. that incident, as well as a few ouija-board-related incidents at abbi's house, totally freaked me out.
i wore black fingernail polish. i wanted to be a freak. i wanted kurt cobain to still be alive. i wanted to fuck spencer rex. now, he's a used-up drughead, still in high school. he skated. i wished i could skate. i wanted to be an outcast. i wanted to be tortured.
i wrote a shitload of poetry that year. bad poetry. poetry i always meant to put to music, but it just didn't work. the poetry of someone who wishes they hurt, but really doesn't. someone who wants to be misunderstood, just so they can yell at their parents, "you just don't understand me!" the problem was that they did. so much for my plans to be a starving artist.
i think i wanted to be courtney love.

oh look at my face
my name is might have been
my name is never was
my name is forgotten

what an odd day

here's something weird about me. I reload my own blog compulsively. not to up the counters, because i have a counter block on this computer, but just to see if i've posted anything more to my blog. i expect someone else to update it for me. who knows why. maybe i'm just expecting people to leave me comments. maybe i'm just bored. hmm.

i hate napping in the afternoon. i wake up all disoriented 'n shit. i don't know when it is, or where i am. blah.

today is monday. wednesday, i go home. that'll be hell. I leave campus at about 12:30 in a carful of four sophomores headed for LA (hooray for people who like me and give me rides!!) My flight isn't until 4:05, but due to security regulation shit and travel hell on the day before thanksgiving, i figure it'll be hard to get there too early. because i just looooove hanging out in airports. i bet i can find some shit to do... study japanese, play with my computer, read a book... something. blah.
I get to dallas about 9:30... theoretically. which means that the flight might be in before 10:30, and i might be home by 11. More likely I'll get home in the late hours... ugh. what a day. that's 10 hours of travel time, allowing for the time change... ew. not looking forward to that one. :P

thursday is thanksgiving. friday and saturday i hope to be able to spend some time with my friends from home. sunday night, i fly back. i need to get an answer from mike on whether or not he can pick me up from the airport on sunday night, so i can make plans. not that it's that bad, because getting from the airport is easier. i could just flag down a shuttle or whatever. it'd just be nice to have a familiar face there to pick me up.

it's weird, i'm going to miss my friends here while i'm at home. it seems like this would be the place where i do the missing, but it feels like home now. i live in branner hall. i love branner. i love stanford. i love california. they are my home now.

tonight is the ihum fair, where millions of frosh, sick of their autumn ihum courses, go to pick out a new winter-spring sequence. i'm looking at power and passion, serious laughter, and reason, passion and reality. i've accepted the fact that ihum sucks and that i'm going to have to take an ihum course, so i'm trying to find the least sucky of them all. :P

oh yeah, i aced my japanese vocab quiz this morning. tomorrow, we get our calc midterms back. i don't know how i did, but silvia said she saw the top of the grading sheet of mine and that i aced both the first two questions, which is a good sign. i can't have gotten less than a 40 then.

anyway, jamie's here, so i need to publish and head off to the ihum fair. what fun. weee!

The fish trap exists because of the fish. Once you've gotten the fish you can forget the trap. The rabbit snare exists because of the rabbit. Once you've gotten the rabbit, you can forget the snare. Words exist because of meaning. Once you've gotten the meaning, you can forget the words. Where can I find a man who has forgotten words so I can talk with him?"
--Chuang Tzu //wow, jamie

all i ever wanted
all i ever needed
is here
in my arms
words are very
unnecessary
they can only do harm
--depeche mode

language is an annoying necessity
--splendid

today was big game

so, we big gamed. here's the chronology of events of today:
3:00: I go to bed.
5:30: my alarm goes off. "fuck," i say. then, "Big Game today," i think, and pry myself out of bed, get dressed and presentable, and...
6:00: haul my butt to the Shak. wait around awhile for people to show up (no one makes 6AM ATSes, i should learn this.
6:30: we go out to the stadium to rehearse.
7:00: we rehearse. (walking to the stadium is a pretty big ordeal, especially with late people and stuff.
10:00: rehearsal ends. damn, that was a long rehearsal.
10:15: weee breakfast!!
10:40: go back to my room and awake the sleeping kal student on my futon. he went to high school with heather, so he wasn't totally random, but whatever. talked to him for awhile while i am walking in and out of the room preparing for the game.
11:20: ATS.
11:40: we line up to march to the stadium. weeee.
12:00: we march into the stadium. it's funny. most of the stadium is red and white, but there's this large portion behind the end zone that is largely blue and yellow. cal band performs their all-serious-n-shit pregame show, we perform our goofy pregame show, we play the anthem together.
12:30: game starts. it really wasn't that exciting, even though we didn't win by the margin we expected to. perhaps that's why... we were kind of disappointed. we were actually behind at one point, which REALLY bummed us. we ended up with the win, 35-28, but it wasn't the 60-0 we were hoping for. ah well.
5:00: game ends. weeee.

Branner,
Here are the basics of what went on tonight. There was an electrical
fire in the microwave of one of the rooms in the first floor odd hall.
How exactly it was started is unknown, but a cell phone was put in the
microwave, which was subsequently turned on. We do not know who did
this. Police are investigating the situation, so if you saw anyone you
did not recognize in Branner around 1:00 wandering the halls, please let
a staff member know so we can give any clues we have to the police.
According to the firemen, there is no structural damage to the
building. There are a few important things to be taken from this
situation, not only in Big Game Week, but in general:

1. LOCK YOUR DOORS. Even if you are sleeping. Keep your keys on you at
all times.
2. DO NOT PROP OUTSIDE DOORS. People we don't want coming in will come
in, and this weekend is an especially vulnerable time with so many extra
people on campus.
3. LOCK YOUR BIKES, & LOCK THEM TO SOMETHING. Many have been stolen,
locks have been cut, but don't tempt a thief with an unlocked bike.
4. DO NOT DO ANYTHING RETALIATORY. We don't know who did this, it could
have been anyone, Stanford, Cal, or otherwise. It does not help anyone
to do anything violent, let's take the high road.
5. KEEP THE BRANNER LOVE. We saw a lot of good things tonight with
residents getting together to make sure everything and everyone was
okay. Keep up this attitude of looking out for one another.

That is all for tonight, it's time for bed.
If you have any questions about what went on, feel free to contact a
staff member.

Take care y'all,
Branner Staff

Okay, so i should be sleeping, 'cause it's my night at the Shak. Weee. That means I'm going to be spending the entire damn night at the band shak... what fun. So yeah, time to nap. yay naps.

Well, it's almost all over... just a couple more hours to go. After my Ihum facilitation it'll just be the calc midterm... and I think I'll be okay on that . I did really well on both the practice midterms, which is definitely a Good Thing, so I'm not too concerned about the midterm itself. Anyway, after the midterm I'm just gonna crash... perhaps I'll go sit at the coho by myself and draw people. Last night I got the strange urge to draw someone, so i sketched a picture of this kid Mikey who was performing at the coho then. it turned out ok... i need more practice. It's fun stuff though... weee!

tenki wa yokunai desu

so it's raining again today... how dreary. everyone is bitching and moaning about the weather... if only they knew that this is what it's going to be like from january through spring break. haha.

don't it make you sad to know that life
is more than who we are?

Worked out at tresidder again today. I feel pretty good. The problem is that it's so time-consuming... working out and then showering is at least an hour and a half. but then, it's worth it if it helps me feel better about myself.

lost for you,
i'm so lost for you.

the grey ceiling on the earth
well it's lasted for awhile
take my thoughts for what they're worth
i've been acting like a child
your opinion what is that
it's just a different point of view

what else what else can i do
i said i'm sorry yeah i'm sorry
i said i'm sorry but what for
if i hurt you then i hate myself
i don't wanna hate myself

why do you choose your pain
if you only knew how much i love you

i won't be your winter
i won't be anyone's excuse to cry
we can be forgiven
and i will be here

the old picture on the shelf
has been there for awhile
frozen image of ourselves
we were acting like a child
innocent in a trance
in a dance that lasted for awhile

you read my eyes just like your diary
just remember, please remember
i'm not a beggar, and what's more
if i hurt you then i hate my self
i don't wanna hate myself

why do you choose your pain
if you only knew how much i love you

i won't be your winter
i won't be anyone's excuse to cry
we can be forgiven
and i will be here

i won't be your winter
i won't be anyone's excuse to cry
we can be forgiven
and i will be here

i don't mind you coming here
and wasting all my time
'cause when you're standing oh so near
i kind of lose my mind
it's not the perfume that you wear
it's not the ribbons in your hair
i don't mind you coming here
and wasting all my time

i don't mind you hanging out
and talking in your sleep
it doesnt' matter where you've been
as long as it was deep, yeah
you always knew too very well
and you look so fancy, i can tell
i don't mind you hanging out
and talking in your sleep

i guess you're just what i needed
i needed someone to feed
i guess you're just what i needed
i needed someone to bleed

i don't mind you coming here
and wasting all my time time
'cause when you're standing oh so near
i kind of lose my mind, yeah
it's not the perfume that you wear
it's not the ribbons in your hair
i don't mind you coming here
and wasting all my time

i guess you're just what i needed
i needed someone to feed
i guess you're just what i needed
i needed someone to bleed

i guess you're just what i needed
i needed someone to feed
i guess you're just what i needed
i needed someone to bleed

you're just what i needed
you're just what i needed
you're just what i needed

i remember sophomore year in high school, when i had the hugest crush on patrick grady, the lead singer for a band at our school... they performed this song at the annual talent show and i thought it was the most amazing thing i'd ever heard. wow, that was an interesting year. and patrick was such a sexy bitch, too... mmm.

she was my once in a lifetime
happy ending come true
i guess i should have told her
i thought she knew
she said i took her for granted
that's the last thing i would do
oh i'll never understand it
i thought she knew
i thought she knew my world revolved around her
my love light burned for her alone
but she couldn't see the flame
only myself to blame
i should have known
i should have known
a heart full of words left unspoken
now that we're through
i tell my soul to have the silence broken
oh i thought she knew
i thought she knew my world revolved around her
my love light burned for her alone
but she couldn't see the flame
only myself to blame
i should have known
i should have known
she was my once in a lifetime
happy ending come true
oh i guess i should have told her
but i thought she knew
i thought she knew
i thought she knew
i thought that she knew.

(so, if you think nsync has no talent whatsoever, come over here and i'll give you a talking-to and we can listen to that song, the last one on the no strings attached disc. yeah. they're amazing.)

chill day. today is a chill day.
i love chill days.
flicks tonight... varsity blues! kicking off big game week with some sexy dawson's creek action. hooray for teenybopper heartthrobs.

i really can't wait until tuesday is over. then it'll all be over. monday i have the japanese vocab quiz, tuesday i have ihum critique, discussion facilitation, and the calc midterm. after that, i'm good to go.
then wednesday is our night in the shak.
and thursday we haven't got a problem set due.
and friday... gaieties! and the branner gaieties prank! i don't know how we're going to beat last year's 6-foot ejaculating penis, but we'll figure something out.
and saturday is Big Game!!! WEEEEEE!

It's too bad Big Game isn't going to even be a game this year... we're gonna wipe the golden bears into the dirt. poor guys haven't won a single game all season. :(

mmmm. big game week. mmm.

mmmm... blog me.

my feet stink. and i have nothing to say. i don't know why i'm even blogging right now. interesting.

tonight i'm tangled in my blanket of clouds
dreaming aloud
things just won't do without you
matter of fact
oh i'm on your back
i'm on your back
oh, i'm on your back

if you'd accept surrender, give up some more
weren't you adored
i cannot be without you
matter of fact
oh i'm on your back

if you walk out on me
i'm walking after you
if you walk out on me
i'm walking after you

another heart is cracked
in two
i'm on your back

i cannot be without you
matter of fact
oh, i'm on your back
i'm on your back
oh, i'm on your back

if you walk out on me
i'm walking after you
if you walk out on me
i'm walking after you
if you walk out on me
i'm walking after you

days like this i don't know what to do with myself
all day and all night
i wander the halls along the walls and under my breath
i say to myself i need fuel to take flight
and there is too much going on
but it's calm under the waves
in the blue of my oblivion
under the waves
in the blue of my oblivion
is that why they call me a sullen girl
sullen girl
they don't know i used to sail the deep and tranquil sea
but it washed me ashore
and it took my pearl
and left an empty shell of me
and there is too much going on
but it's calm under the waves
in the blue of my oblivion
under the waves
in the blue of my oblivion
under the waves
in the blue of my oblivion
it's calm under the waves
in the blue of my oblivion

-fiona apple, "sullen girl"

yeah, haven't blogged in awhile. life is going quite well though... quite well. installed the new OS on my sexy laptop making it even sexier. i'm in love with it. been spending a lot of time with mike... definitely falling for him. don't think that's a bad thing, however... (:

i'm listening to fiona apple, listening to her bitch and moan... i love her music, even when i can't relate to it. something about her voice is calming and puts me in a certain mood. good stuff.

flicks tonight was AI. Man, i loved that movie. It was kind of long the second time around (i dont' remember thinking it was so long the first time though) but man, it was still awesome. Deep. of course, no one else in the theater appreciated it. Ah well.

Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world.

my os is sexier than your os

yeah, i did it. i took the plunge. i gave into the man.

I installed Windows XP.

And I'm loving every minute of it.

Once you've had XP, you'll never go back, or that's what they say. Or something. Anyway, yeah. it's great. It's fast. It's sexy. It loads without problems. It's integrated. It's Bill G's next step in taking over the world. It's wonderful.

back by popular demand... kat... uncensored! weee!
mad props to my anonymous donor too. i love you.
(notice the lack of banner ads. :)

gravity by josh joplin group

i will not be here forever
so i will not waste any time
just pick my head up from off the bar dear
buy the next round, i'll be fine
spoken like a poet
who's just too drunk to know that

everybody falls
in small degrees
everybody falls
in small degrees
it's gravity
it's gravity

here within lies the king of graceland
which makes the point all too clear
we stand in long lines
praying our piece
and go home with a souvenir
and only fools rush in
to save a desparate man

everybody falls
in small degrees
everybody falls
in small degrees
it's gravity
it's gravity

pull me down
don't pull me down
pull me down
don't pull me down

when i was little i used to dream that
i had a cape and i could fly
i rescued my friends from burning buildings
and no one would ever die
costumes fade fast
superpowers pass

everybody falls
in small degrees
everybody falls
in small degrees
it's gravity
it's gravity

not mean telecasts baking balcony space.

weather

wow. this weather is gloomy. it's the first rainy day we've had since i got here, over a month ago, and it's also the first day on pacific standard time, so it's double-dark and double-gloomy right now. it threatened rain all day, and finally started to drizzle sometime while i was in calculus lecture. not hard, but dreary. horribly dreary, but refreshing at the same time. it's odd.

cami is in the hospital... she went there last night, something about severe abdominal pain. last i heard they don't know if it's appendicitis, but i just heard shilpa say something about surgery. she'll be fine, i'm sure, but it's still kind of scary, not knowing what's wrong with her. hopefully she'll be home tomorrow.

last night flicks was the exorcist... man, that flick is so freaky. fortunately i was able to push it out of my mind and not freak out while i was trying to sleep. i don't think i'd have been able to make it through the show if it hadn't been for the kid on my left making smartass remarks throughout the movie, and for the mike on my right, who held my hand through the freaky parts. but it was a good movie. i enjoyed it.

this one's for you, jamie.

what an odd day.

whoa

isn't it amazing the way that plants take water and carbon dioxide, just out of the air, and turn it into this green stuff we see here? i mean, it's growing out of nothing. that material wasn't inside the seed it came out of, or in the soil, because the level of the soil is staying the same. The only thing that it appears to consume is water... and the co2 from the air... and it turns it into all sorts of stuff that is plants. it's a miracle. how did the plants ever come to figure out those chemical reactions?? i'm awed. my grass is growing.

hmm

so why is it that I keep working on my webpage when I know i ought to be doing homework? It's not that i'm ignoring work that needs to be done, everything's getting done, but I could be out having a "life" or something and instead I'm sitting here working on my webpage and editing my winamp playlist. Interesting. But whatever... I'm having a good time, and I'm getting everything done.

Flicks tonight - they canceled Rocky Horror. Evidently the distributor fucked up and it didn't get delivered... I don't know what the story is behind that. but they're showing Scream and the Exorcist, for free, instead, which is kinda cool, if I hadn't already paid for the damn show. Oh well, I think I'll be okay.

Halloween partied last night. It was a lot of fun. Fought off sketchy UCLA students, successfully avoided eating the "brownies" at Synergy, ran into a kid from my profro weekend, and had a good time. My roomies and I were Charlie's Angels, except we didn't stick together the whole night so it didn't look like we were dressed up. Oh well, it was still fun. (:

Weee. I wonder if there are any parties on Wednesday (other than the classic EBF Happy Hour, which is every wednesday night). I'm sure i'll hear about it. Good stuff.

And, I'm almost half done with my calc problem set, even though it's not due until Thursday! I am awesome.

ohhh, I just went to the ass-kickingest concert. So about 5:10, Joel IMs me and says, hey, you're going to see Save Ferris with me tonight. So i'm like, well, I've got this PAA dinner... lemme cancel it. Not like an advising dinner can compete with Save Ferris... so I was all, totally there. Man, the concert kicked ass. The warm-up bands were both really good... limitpoint and the flipsides... but then, save ferris blew them both away. RRRGH it was soooo awesome!!! They played "come on eileen" as the last song in their encore... ohh, it was the best concert. Man... i can't get over how cool that was!!!

I'm trying to keep my feet on the ground
I'm getting to like this feeling I've found
I'm getting to love the thought of having you around
and I will never let you down

your friends were all well-meaning when they said
No one is good enough for you
Play with you emotion
Dismiss the notion, do what you have to do
People don't take chances with their hearts
Since I met you I am past the hardest part
So remember one thing - I will never let you down.

I'm trying to keep my feet on the ground
I'm getting to like this feeling I've found
I'm getting to love the thought of having you around
and I will never let you down

Sometimes you feel defeated, but it's okay,
You're not the only one.
And all the complications, bad situations
Happen to everyone
Doesn't matter how it ended or began
Sometimes the best that you can do is change your plan
Hope you understand that I will never let you down.

I'm trying to keep my feet on the ground
I'm getting to like this feeling I've found
I'm getting to love the thought of having you around
and I will never let you down

I'm trying to keep my feet on the ground
I'm getting to like this feeling I've found
I'm getting to love the thought of having you around
and I will never let you down

I'm trying to keep my feet on the ground
I'm getting to like this feeling I've found
I'm getting to love the thought of having you around
and I will never let you down
I will never let you down.
I will never let you down.
I will never let you down.

--The Verve Pipe, "Never Let You Down"

Hmm. changing the url of my blog... is this working? hmmm.
(suspected parental infiltration necessitates this.)

productivity of the wrong sort

so today i had a vocab quiz in japanese, and i have an ihum paper due tomorrow... and i stayed up until 2 am... working on my webpage. that's right... i was highly productive, but in the wrong way. unfortunately i bombed the quiz (i think the paper will be okay)... rrgh. i should have started studying for it sooner and studied more... but that's okay... my webpage is updated! i'm currently working on a redesign of the front page, because, well, it sucks right now. i want a more graphical, pretty layout, but i have exactly zero experience with that sort of stuff... so it may be awhile before it's up.

i have to do a fucking problem set for thursday too. god damn it. i hate this "work" thing... :P.

oh well... i'll get over it. i am a college student after all.

funny freaking story:
So last night, after we went swing dancing but before we went partying, Mike and I stopped by to chill here for awhile, right, so we were having a bit to drink (not a lot, just a bit)... the lights were off, the christmas lights were on, we were having a nice little... um... calculus studying moment, when there's this knock on the door. I figure it's one of my roommates, knocking to be polite, so I yell, "Come in!" So I get up and open the door, and standing there is my PAA Sagar, with a box of Krispy Kreme donuts... yikes. The look on his face as he realizes that I was indeed making out with one of his acquaintances... then we realize that standing next to Sagar is one of Mike's best friends.... yeah. the two of them just stood there and stared for a minute.... priceless. priceless. That's going on my all-time top 10.

So I got up in time to go to class this morning, and was packing my bag up and everything when i realized that Friday is the day that Japanese homework is due... oops. So I did that this morning instead of last night... but whatever. I can go to the 11AM Japanese class, say I slept late, because it's happened before, turn in my HW, go to the 1:15 calculus lecture, and be all good. Anyway, it was worth it to be able to hang out with Mike last night. We went to the Cantor Arts Center and looked at art and stuff, and then we went to the party at Roble, which was not very happening while we were there, and then we went back to Narnia and watched Jennie and Kate (sophomores I know from SCPJ) be very drunk then just hung out in his room. It was tons of fun. So what if I didn't get to bed until 2 - I had fun. And anyway, today's friday, so who cares??

Wow, there is some scary shit going on in the world today. I don't know what to make of it... anthrax sent to our leaders (democratic leaders!) and media... where are we safe? who is safe? what can we do? nothing.
<em>test of html</em><p>does html work when i post through the aim bot?

Guess who aced their japanese midterm? ohh, I think that would be me. I rule.

I think my roommate is the only person I've ever met who says "I have to go shower and shit" and means "I have to go shower, and I have to go shit."

The first thing she told Heather and I about herself was: "I shit a lot."

But that's okay, Jenny... I still love you.

Okay, so I totally just slept through Japanese. What an odd feeling. I woke up at 9:50 (class is at 10) and said, screw this, i'm sleeping some more. It's weird though because I got to bed before 1... but I am feeling a bit on the sick side, so I suppose sleep was what I needed. Last night Mike came by with some chicken soup and we ate chicken soup and played ping-pong... he killed everyone he played against, he's that good. i'm not. i lost almost every game I played... but perhaps I'll refine my "raw talent" in a few weeks... (yeah, right).
Oh well, I think I had better get my ass off to the 11:00 Japanese class, screw IHum...

Anyway, I hope this stuff all works... an AIM client that posts to my blog is a beautiful idea... makes my life easier. hooray for the guy that wrote this.

Sorry about the lack of posts in recent history - yeah. I've been super-busy. Stanford kicks ass. I had a midterm in Japanese today, and I have one in Calc tomorrow night... and an IHum paper due next tuesday. but I think I have it under control... good stuff.

So I'm posting this through an AIM client... it's almost as if I were having an AIM conversation. In fact, I am having and AIM conversation here, with mister blogbot. I wonder if it's going to work. I certainly hope so. Anyway, if this thing really works, you might be seeing some more blogging for me.

take notes, boys

if a girl you're into is feeling under the weather, you're guaranteed to win points if you bring her chicken soup.

just a word of advice. (:

ohhh, sketchy grad-studentness abounds

yeah, so i was at the atm trying to deposit some paychecks (turns out the bank of america atm won't accept deposits, how fucking lame is that??) and this apparent grad student came up behind me, waiting to use the atm... so i bitched about it not accepting my deposit and he asked me if i wanted to go get coffee!!!! WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!

now that's sketchy.

Movie I watched last night:
so i married an axe murderer.

movies i still need to see:
pulp fiction
fight club
memento
american pie 2 (which is on my hd, but i haven't gotten around to it yet)

movies i need to see:

fight club
so i married an axe murderer
pulp fiction

Okay, now my attempt to recover from the blogger eating incident.

But it's not happening. I don't remember the story I told earlier. I remember that it involved Becky totally hitting on a gay guy at a party last night though. Anyway, let's just leave it at that to minimize the beckybarassment.
I think it's probably a bad thing that I consider the weekend to start on wednesday (suiyoobi) nights, and extend through monday(getsuyoobi) nights. That just leaves one night a week for stuff such as "homework ", "studying", and "problem sets". But then, said concepts are certainly overrated, as are "midterms", "papers", and "grades". So... weekend is now wednesday (suiyoobi) through monday (getsuyoobi). Let Tuesday (kayoobi) handle the shit, and give the fun over to the other six days of the week! (Pardon the intrusion of the japanese, but I have a midterm in that class on getsuyoobi, and so I have to study these things.)

But I'm going to be following the rules tonight. The drink rules. The no beer rule. Beer is gross. And the no more than 2 in 2 hours rule. Especially especially around Mike. Because making an ass of yourself in front of certain guys is just not good. Especially when you've been trying so desparately (and apparently succeeding) to make a good impression on said guy. And when it's been a running joke to not see him while I'm sober for something like three straight weeks. That's bad, you know? Drinking is fun, but sobreity is underrated.

WAAAH! Blogger ate my blog! I blogged! I really did! About a half hour ago! But Blogger ate it... fuckers.

I'll reblog it later. I promise

i feel pretty damn good.

but that could just be because i'm hanging out with mike tonight at the coho.

yeah, probably.

life

I know, it's been awhile since I've blogged... once again, too damn busy leading my life to blog about it. My life has been so fucking full... I could just write about my schedule, or I could write a narrative of what I've done since last I blogged... but I think I'll just write what comes to mind.

Hmm. Where to begin. Today, I went to a protest in White Plaza. It was pretty interesting, because there were tons of people there supporting the peace movement, and also a few people who just wanted to call us morons. But there was pretty good support, even though the turnout was about 100 people... it was a neat experience. I wanted to go to the protest in Palo Alto, but I really don't have time, due to the huge amounts of IHum, calculus and japanese I am now avoiding.

Saturday was our scavenger hunt in San Francisco. It really was just a big group of kids roving the city, getting to know it a bit. I had a ton of fun... we took pictures of random shit. I proposed to the guy at FAO Schwartz who wears the toy soldier outfit.... he accepted... so I'm engaged to a toy soldier now. that's kind of cool. The trip was a blast though, and I saw so much of SF... one girl in my group got her nose pierced in the Haight... that was neat. I thought about doing my eyebrow, but decided that the eyebrow barbells they had there were too fat-looking... i don't want something that big through my face. If they had thinner ones I might have done it.

Friday night I got plastered. It wasn't a good experience. I managed to escape puking or somesuch grossness, but I couldn't see straight for awhile. So now, I've made rules for myself. No more beer and/or other malt beverages. No more than two shots in a two-hour period. Get buzzed, have fun, stay sane. (:
Fortunately I didn't blog while I was drunk on friday, or else i would have made a bigger ass of myself than last time...

one big beautiful orgy

so tonight was... ta-da! FULL MOON ON THE QUAD! For all you non-stanford-types, this is Stanford's ritual orgy. The tradition is that frosh have to kiss seniors in order to become "official stanford students..." yeah,. right. The whole damn thing was invented so the senior guys could get some play from freshmen girls. But basically, it's all these people wandering around looking for some play. I don't remember how many guys I made out with... a whole damn lot. But I had a freaking blast. (:

I had a "no one i know" rule, which means that I didnt' make out with anyone I'll recognize in the morning, which is a good policy. I also had a bodyguard (good old joe, i use him too much) so I didn't get raped... (: But I saw tons of people I know, like Skye from my pro-fro weekend, who had on a 2005 shirt. I just laughed, because I know he's class of 04. Hehehe. So many sketchy freaking guys there... it was beautiful.

I don't know how many of what class I ended up kissing... but I believe the total nears 20. I know at least one was a junior and one was a frosh, but what the hell. he didn't live in branner. (: dormcest is bad.

So I had one corona, a jim and coke which i made myself, probably about one shot, a shot of vodka, and a second jim and coke, which joe made, which was a bit stronger than the other. I felt sufficiently drunk at the beginnning and then started to sober up... I need some vitamin b12, or i'm going to be so fucking hung over in the morning... it's not even funny. and i have a 10 AM japanese class... dammit! (:

Anyway, this drunken blog is sufficiently less entertaining than its predecessor, so I will end it here. I hope everyone had the time of their fucking lives at full moon... I know I did. Well, maybe not the time of my life, but damn close. Or maybe not close, but still a damn good time. (: Peace out, and may you have no hangover.

blog more, dammit

why don't you? if you require your daily dose of entertainment perhaps you should learn to blog for yourself, dammit. i dont' see you out there sweating your ass off trying to come up with material that will entertain the masses! i don't see you slaving over the keyboard to make the deadline for your blog... so maybe you should just get over yourself and stop your bitching. yes, i mean you.

(:

and goddammit, how do i know what you're thinking if you dont' even leave any fucking comments??

no hangover

today i feel pretty damn good. i took a vitamin b12 before bed last night, which is supposed to prevent hangovers. and i feel good.
last night we went to toyon and to theta delt... got trashed, hung out with trashed people. wore my pleather. it was exciting.
I've been having fun with morpheus. yay for free shit. it's so nice. (:

I've got a bit of a headache, but thats to be expected, due to the amount of drinking i did last night. But who the hell cares; i had fun. (:

activities

the activities fair was this afternoon in white plaza. good shit. i signed myself up for tons of mailing lists, which'll be exciting. pro-choice, pro-peace... i was a fucking hippie this afternoon. it was great. i also had class today, japanese and calculus. both were pretty fun. well, calculus was boring and i fell asleep, but japanese was fun. i have to work on my hiragana this weekend... and do calc homework... and read shit for ihum. and party my ass off. there's a party at theta delta chi tonight, and one at toyon, but that's mostly gonna be sophomores, and then i'm sure there'll be something going on here at branner, because we're branner. so i'm gonna be party hopping.
Just put some smirnoff ice in an ice tray in the freezer... see if it makes smirnoff ice cubes. how bad ass would that be? Too bad you can't freeze straight vodka and put itin drinks... that'd be awesome. (:
But yes... study, then drink. Study, then drink. But why is this Ice open on my desk??

My apologies for the previous post. Now, upon regaining sobreity, i see that it was not funny but just plain retarded. I'm really sorry.
I'm going to go get Jamba Juice with Joe now.

drunkenness

so i've been told that blogging drunk is fun. so perhaps it is, i see. I like it. i like blogging, i like being drunk, so why not combine the two? (: Whee. So I went out to Enchanted Broccoli Forest tonight and got drunk with some sophomores I barely know. But it's cool because they're really cool people.
So, as evidence of the drunkenness that is inside me, I present an excerpt from a conversation I am having right now:
aresdeimos (1:24:53 AM): too many sexy damn men here
aresdeimos (1:24:59 AM): so many boys, so little time
eric (1:25:07 AM): luip!
aresdeimos (1:25:10 AM): lol
eric (1:25:16 AM): kat will truly earn the title sketchy...
aresdeimos (1:25:17 AM): i got accused of being a sexual predator today
eric (1:25:20 AM): hahah
eric (1:25:23 AM): by who?
aresdeimos (1:25:24 AM): i'm working on it, i'm working on it
aresdeimos (1:25:28 AM): jia, who else?
eric (1:25:36 AM): yeah, good point
eric (1:25:45 AM): that's ok, he's just jealous too
aresdeimos (1:25:47 AM): jamie was mocking me
aresdeimos (1:25:51 AM): yeah
aresdeimos (1:26:00 AM): everyone's jealous... 'cause i'm so damn sexy
eric (1:26:07 AM): yes, exactly
eric (1:26:29 AM): wait, so what was jamie mocking you abot?
eric (1:26:37 AM): damn...i can't type
aresdeimos (1:26:58 AM): being a sexual predator
eric (1:27:07 AM): ah
aresdeimos (1:27:07 AM): when was she mocking?
eric (1:27:22 AM): i dunno....aresdeimos (1:26:02 AM): jamie was mocking me
aresdeimos (1:27:40 AM): fuck
aresdeimos (1:27:42 AM): dammit
aresdeimos (1:27:47 AM): i am drunk!!!!!
eric (1:27:54 AM): rofl
aresdeimos (1:28:00 AM): fuck fuck fuck
eric (1:28:32 AM): oh well, it had to happen sometime

yeah. so i suppose i've gota bit in me. Jia, this post is for you, because you say that blogging drunk is fun. And I wholly concur.
And for the record, Mike is a sexy bitch. Yeah.

So today classes start.

Yikes.
My schedule today, Wednesday:
11:00 Japanese language, culture, and communication
1:15 Calculus 42
2:15 Yoga

Shouldn't be too stressful, especially because i'm taking 14 units (maybe 15, i hear i can get units for being in the LSJUMB.... get credit for being a drunken idiot! woohoo!)

I think I'll survive. Fortunately IHum doesn't start today, but tomorrow, so I'm okay.
I'm a college student.

dude

i'm finally here. I am at stanford university. i am having the time of my fucking life. it is so sweet here.... i love it. i've already met a ton of people that I know from online... Huey, Jia (which i learned is pronounced "Ja" like Ja Rule) Becky, Michelle (mishmosh), Michelle (shellybean), Amy, ummm... fuck. I know i've met more people... dammit. oh well. (: Anyway... I've almost met everyone I've talked to at all online, except eric, who sucks because he's a sophomore and doesnt' get in until tonight. must suck to be him.

At the football game last night a bunch of branner guys painted "STANFORD" on their chests, and a bunch of chicks in sports bras painted "BRANNER" on their stomachs, and when they turned around they had "WE KICK FUCKING ASS" painted on their backs. It was sweet. and we showed ASU that we do indeed kick fucking ass. It was so awesome. (:

Anyway. So sorry I haven't blogged in so long... it's been a hectic weekend. Orientation kicked ass. Is kicking ass - it's not over. There haven't been any parties yet but i bet they'll kick ass too. I'm going to have the time of my life here... I'm so happy to finally be here.

yikes

i leave in the morning... what the hell am i doing? going to college? aaaah. i sure don't feel like i'm old enough to do that... write papers... take exams... read a whole hell of a lot for class... do calculus... get drunk... whine about IHum... meet guys...
yikes.
it's finally happening to me. it's wednesday evening. in 12 hours I will be aboard an airplane bound for San Francisco. Day after tomorrow I'm going to be at orientation... unpacking my shit... meeting roommates... playing stupid name games.
and on wednesday i start classes. homework. i don't remember what homework feels like, because i haven't done it for so long.
and i'm either going to die and go to heaven or die and go to hell. i hope that it's the first. the land of beer and boys. and i set out for that new journey, new chapter in my life, tomorrow morning. and i can't wait for it to get here and i wish i had another month. and i can't believe it's finally coming. i'm finally going. Stanford University, prepare yourselves, because I'm about to come kick some major ass on campus.
(either that or be a clueless frosh lemming for the first three weeks. god, i hope not.)

fucking assholes

piss me off. i was at wendy's getting lunch and i saw a truck with "NUKEM" shoe polished across the back. I physically had to restrain myself in order to keep from extending both my middle fingers and shouting "FUCK YOU RACIST BASTARD!" at him. Well, the fact that I was with my parents probably helped that... but I was physically so angry that I felt the adrenaline rush over me. I don't think I've ever been that physically pissed off. I don't understand how people can be so stupid as to think that nukes are the answer here.

and so then when I got home I got an IM from my friend at USMMA (a military academy) which is good because I know he's alive (USMMA is on long island) but he's pissed off and looking to kill some "rag heads." I had to block him to keep from calling him bad bad things (well, i did call him a fucker or something to that effect).

him: unfortunantly, I won't be able to get some rag heads for atleast a year
me: fuck you
me: don't be a racist bastard
him: I have been to the mound of ruble
him: it changes you
me: changes you enough to hate an entire race of people
him: no
me: ok
me: go kick the shit out of the taliban
him: just the nation that supports them
me: but try not to hurt the women and children
him: war isn't pleasnt
me: no
him: its not like a video game
me: but they didn't do anything
him: people get killed, including women, children, and GI's
me: yeah
him: Its not like I would want it to happen
him: but shit happens
me: i know
me: sorry
him: if its me or some rag head.....
me: i'm a bit on edge because i saw a redneck with "nukem" on their truck
me: in shoe polish
me: and i flipped out
him: go him!
::i blocked him for a minute::
me: dude that's not cool
him: sorry about that, I'm still very pissed off

RRGH.
oh well. i always knew he was a conservative bastard... and he has been right there and seen everything, so i suppose it's expected for him to be on edge. I just get so angry when people get racist...

on another note, I read an article from the LA times about exactly what i was concerned about the amercan flag coming to mean. i'm comforted to see that others share my worry.

me

now i get to be selfish and write about me. i got my reading glasses today... they're great. i can see so much better, so much more easily. (:
and I just got bitten by a stupid mosquito. hate those things.

"enough about me, let's talk about you for a minute, enough about you, let's talk about life for awhile."
- alanis morissette

there has got to be an antidote to seventh grade. does anyone know what it is?

tick tock tick tock

time doesn't seem to pass today. i have so much to do but i don't want to. and i want more than anything for friday to come. friday, september 21, 2001... my life will change... if i don't keep living wednesday over and over. i get the feeling that it's going to be like that bill murray movie, groundhog day... keep waking up in the same day, over and over, and that friday will never come. i'm going to sit on my lazy ass at home for the rest of my life... never go to college... never. life never feels like it's going to change, the day before it does... the morning of the 11th i was whining about shampoo in my eyes. shampoo is such a trivial thing.
okay, now i'm just rambling. forgive me.

packing, packing, packing, all I do is pack.

this whole leaving for college thing just doesn't feel quite real right now. i'm throwing all my shit into bags and boxes, but still it hasn't sunk in yet. i mean, i'm about to head halfway across the country to a state i've visited exactly four times, to a campus that is among the most beautiful in the collegiate world, not to mention the fact that people raise their eyebrows when i say the name of my school of choice. dude. trust me, people at stanford may be smart, but i sure as hell feel stupid by comparison. all these people have written novels, done original research, become dot-com ceo's, cured cancer, saved the whales, and fed children in tibet. by comparison it feels sometimes that i've been sitting on my thumb.
i wonder, if i had realized what the month before i left for college would be like, if i would have reconsidered applying there. ::thinks:: nah.
it'll be worth the wait, i'm sure... it had better be.

So right now i'm sitting here praying (well, perhaps not literally praying, because i don't do that sort of thing) that they don't reinstitute the draft. why, you ask? i'm female... why should i worry about the draft? well, it's because a while back, when all my friends were getting their draft cards and stuff, i promised that i'd enlist if any of them got drafted. and now that looks a little more likely than it did 2 weeks ago... and i say shit, dude, i don't wanna die!!! and i don't wanna shoot innocent afghanis. (thanks to david for the correct word...) there's a better way than "kill 'em all, kill 'em all" and i doubt our president can see that far. i'm afraid, i really am.

dude, i totally had something blogworthy, but i completely forgot. i hate when that happens.

hopefully it will come to me.

nothing exciting to say

today was fairly boring. i packed. i went shopping, but bought nothing but socks and underwear. i sat on my ass in front of the computer.

i added a page to my website containing some of my better rants, erm, i mean essays, from the blog... that was kind of fun. i'm going to have to do some dinking with the links on the left side, i'm not liking them right now.... needs something. i'll mess with it... dink with the table etc. groovy.

in other news... i'm bored.

i pissed off some conservatives

They quoted me without permission, but I'm not going to do the same to them, because I have standards.

Anyway, I'm quoted on wetwirednews.com, and here is my response:

Did I ever say that we should kill the parents? No. Did I say that the parents were not fundamentalists? No. But I did say that the children are being influenced highly by their parents who are in turn influenced by the government. What I called for is not an elimination of fundamentalist muslims, but a change in foreign policy to change their minds about us.

The bastards. And people wonder why conservatives piss me off.

So, this morning I was watching tv and I learned that the tragedy on Tuesday is my fault. According to asshole Falwell, the blame lies with "the pagans, the gays, and the feminists." I think that, at least under his definitions, I fall under at least two of those categories... since I'm not Christian I must be pagan. not that there's anything wrong with paganism. but... I can't believe that in a time of national tragedy and crisis that someone would be so stupid as to point fingers at anyone other than terrorists. I'm sorry. I thought that even feminists were allowed to have freedom and peace of mind and safety in this nation. So, I propose we tear Jerry Falwell limb from limb, and let the dogs have at him. Or something equally painful. That man has never done anything but piss me off. asshole.

sorry for the recent departures from my normal writing style. this comment by falwell has angered me so much that i thought it needed to be shared. and the shameless plug for comments... i'm bad. :P

Dude, people, please please please leave comments. I like comments. I like feedback. Being fed back is good. Even if it's leftovers. even if i don't know who you are, feed me back. even if you're sketchy, feed me back. hell, even if you're eric, it's okay to post feedback. I might do some sort of reward for the person with the most quality comments... no telling what the reward will be.... (:
sorry. talkign to my audience is bad. i'll stop now, and resume the detached point of view of a good blogger. i love you all. (:

I just learned that the Whitman College (mascot: Missionaries) cheer is:
"Missionaries, Missionaries, we're on top!!

LMAO!!!

updated

my webpage. go to my september 11 memorial page. (:

expect more in the future. i'm gonna move some of my better rants from my blog over there in the near future.

ahh...

no more work. ever.
okay, so that's exaggerating, but no more working in that damn cubicle ever. (: which rocks.

for you i'd bleed myself dry

went to the southlake blood drive this afternoon, but the damn people here are so good, they'd reached their donor capacity. dammit, i didn't get to bleed. :P oh well, i'm sure i'll find another opportunity.

pop-under ads piss me off. and yes, the amazing x-10 camera has resumed their piss-off-marketing campaign. rrrgh...

[rant]

Where is the line between patriotism and hatred, between pride and cockiness? I am, right now, in fear that the American flag, the symbol of freedom, equality, and liberty, will come to represent white supremacy against Arab-Americans the way that in some contexts the confederate flag represents white supremacy against African-Americans. I fear that shots will be fired at mosques under the American flag and out of what feels like patriotism to the guilty party. Wait, shots HAVE been fired at mosques in the city where I work. I don't know if they were under the flag, if it was used as an anti-Arab-American symbol in that case, but I am truly afraid of it. My family and I have a flag. We have raised it every day since the terrorism. But every day I worry that it will make us look racist. I'm afraid that not everyone living in this One Nation remembers the last line of the Pledge of Allegiance: "With Liberty and Justice for ALL." Not some. Not white people. Not Christians. ALL. And I'm afraid that people will forget that, in the term "Arab-American", "Arab" is the adjective, and AMERICAN is the noun. I weep for all the victims of this tragedy - those aboard the hijacked aircraft, those inside the Trade Center and Pentagon, those killed in rescue efforts - and for those who are now afraid to step outside their door because they wear traditional clothing and are afraid of being targeted, and for the mosques that cannot open their doors for fear of their congregations' safety.

[/rant]

today is

my last day at work
one week until orientation starts
friday the 14th
sunny, with uncluttered skies

the whole no airplane thing is really starting to get creepy. i have never seen an airplaneless sky before.

top ten signs you may be addicted to freecell

1 your computer knows better than to ask you "do you want to play again?"
2 you know by number which games are the best
3 you have an overall record above .500
4 ???

there have got to be more... it'll come to me.

pages i want to add to my site
:: what the critics are saying (about my site)
:: 9/11 memorial

Cashews are yummy, but they stick in my teeth.

master yoda

Fear is the path of the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. And hate... leads to suffering.

litany against fear

I will not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when the fear has gone I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

the line

where is the fine line between patriotism and bigotry? when did america cease to be a land of "freedom and justice for all" and begin to be a land of "freedom and justice for people we deem cool", "freedom and justice for white christians", or "freedom and justice for people we agree with"?? the backlash that has been going on equality and begin to symbolize hatred and white supremacy much like the confederate flag symbolizes. i fear that we will allow anger and terror to take over our nation and that we will strike back a thousandfold against millions of innocent people. i fear the death and destruction of a population in afghanistan that has been toward arab-americans is totally out of line. shots were fired at a mosque in the city where i work. i fear that the american flag will cease to be a symbol of freedom and completely oppressed and ignored: the women and children. under taliban rule, women may not get an education or see a male doctor. this seems minor until you realize that without an education women cannot become doctors. afghan women are totally denied medical protection, as well as fundamental basic needs. it is these people i fear for in any retaliation. we must not stoop to the level of killing thousands of innocents as the terrorists, whomever they may be, have done.

win the war in the hearts of arab children

the war we must fight should not be fought with guns and bombs and death. yes, a few people need to die in order to ease the minds of many americans. however, it should be an assassination or an execution, not an atomic bomb or full-out war. innocent children should not be among the lives lost. the children seen celebrating in the streets of jerusalem must not be blamed for anything. they are just that, children. children believe whatever their parents tell them, and their parents are anti-u.s. for reasons which the kids cannot comprehend, but accept nonetheless. what needs to be done is for the united states to take a more neutral position in the middle east conflict and to provide monetary and supply-based aid, not guns and bombs, to both sides. a solution must be possible. and, if the united states is able to find peace for these people, perhaps we can change the minds and hearts of a generation of children. this is where any retribution must be directed - at educating and informing young ones, not at murdering them.

do
this, I just did. And it's good for you. Better than serrated sporks.

serrated sporks

is what we'll be using from now on on airplanes, if we get utensils at all. Now, let me say that I am in no way advocating or planning a hijack, but couldn't a spork be used? or a fork? Hell, a broken spoon? Where do we draw the line? "All airline meals will now be finger food." "Shoes with laces will no longer be allowed on airplanes." It could go really far... "All persons with any martial arts training must be straightjacketed prior to boarding the aircraft." I wonder where it will stop... where it needs to stop.

I remember a couple of years ago a teacher of mine told a story about how she forgot to take her (unloaded) handgun out of her carryon before boarding an aircraft. Not one security person batted an eye.

In other news, my lip has all feeling back. Not that you cared or anything, but still.

six degrees of kevin bacon

food for thought: How many people do you know? A lot. Say a person knows an average of 200 people (just a guess, but close enough for estimation purposes). Let's also say that 75,000 people were directly affected by Tuesday's events at the World Trade Center and Pentagon. That number is probably low, but again, it's close enough. If each of those 75,000 people knows or knew 200 people, then that is 15,000,000 people related by one step. Now, if each of these 15 million know 200 people each, we suddenly have 3 billion people involved by two steps. Another step would take care of every single person in the world a hundred times over, which would eliminate any overlaps. So, chances are almost everyone in the world knows someone who knows someone who knows someone involved in the disaster. We are all connected. And certainly within the United States it is probably under two steps from you to someone who was directly affected by the disaster. Pretty crazy, huh?

Today was interesting. We had a fire drill in my office building. I had a cavity filled. And my cheek still feels funny. I hate the numbness... The feeling is slowly creeping back into my upper lip, but it's taking long enough. :P i hate dentists. They get pleasure from other people's pain. Sadistic fucks.

Okay, this is funny. (:

I just found the eeriest picture.... from time.com... it shows the devastation and wreckage in the aftermath of the attack the World Trade Center... the picture looks like a scene out of Independence Day or Armageddon, not out of real life. That's the frightening thing... it's real, but it feels so unreal.

The drive to work this morning was more than a little creepy. I live and work on opposite sides of the busiest airport in the nation, my daily drive takes my across airport property, my office and home are both in flight takeoff and landing patterns. But as I looked out the window of my car during my drive to work I saw absolutely no airplanes at all in the sky. That was a visible reminder of the magnitude of of the attacks on our nation yesterday, that could be seen as far away as Dallas.
Several of my neighbors (including my family) had raised American flags outside their doors as a symbol of respect and mourning. Unfortunately our flags cannot be lowered to half staff, but flying them at full staff is better than not flying them at all, I think. Someone had also made a sign that was placed at the exit from my neighborhood that said:

"WE ARE AMERICA."

It's amazing to me how much this event, thousands of miles away, has touched every american life. My first impulse was "Where is Joel?" Fortunately Joel is fine... if scared... and then I remembered that Colin, one of my best HS buddies, is at the Merchant Marine Academy on Kings Point, less than 15 miles from south Manhattan. He's the only one I haven't heard from yet; however, I'm not terribly concerned because #1 he's at a military academy; #2 if something had happened to a US military academy we would have heard; and #3 he's Colin... Colin is not easily defeated. So I'm sure he's still fine.

I don't believe that there is a person in the US whose life has not been touched by this tragedy in some way. Those who lost their lives either on board the ill-fated aircraft, inside the twin towers or pentagon, or attempting to rescue those who were, had an effect on everyone they ever met, and everyone their acquaintances knew... I doubt that there is anyone in the country who did not know someone who has been deeply impacted by this tragedy. I am thankful that the impact upon me personally has been substantially less than devastating. I am stunned, amazed, stupefied, and shocked at what happened, but everyone I know is alive, and that is all I can ask for.

What happened yesterday is not a "second Pearl Harbor." Its scale and target bear no resemblance to ships full of military personnel. That was an attack of war, an attack on people of war. Civilian casualties in that attack were very, very small. The area of devastation was a small part of Hawaii full of military ships and planes, not the busiest center of the largest city in the most powerful nation on Earth. That was an attack on the American military. Yesterday there was an attack on America itself, not a limited portion thereof.

Oh, and for those quoting Nostradamus: The guy made millions of predictions. The fact that three or four have come true is merely an act of statistics and probability. And, this is NOT the apocalypse... there's no need to repent and prepare for the end of the world. This is the action of a couple of nutjobs who think they can justify what they've done with the Quran. It is, in my opinion, on par with (although on a much grander scale) the so-called "Christians" who beat up gays and bomb abortion clinics. Condemning the entire Muslim population would be akin to condemning every Christian because a few of them kill in the name of God. And, let me just say that if there is a god/ess, he/she/it/them will be able to tell the difference between acting like a Muslim or a Christian and acting like a "Muslim" or a "Chrsitian." If there were Islamic fundamentalists behind yesterday's tragedies, then remember that the majority of Islamic people view these people as good Christians should view those who kill in the name of Jesus.

It's all beginning to sink in... the gravity of what has happened today, the thousands upon thousands (and I fear I understate) of lives lost... the ramifications... the magnitude... I don't feel that there are any words that suffice in a time like this. I have just heard that there is an estimate of "between 100 and 800 bodies in the pentagon". And that's in the pentagon alone... add that to the 300 rescue workers killed and we're nearing or passing 1000 people, not even counting the people lost in the WTC attack and collapse.

I heard about it about five minutes after I posted the message about my coffee pants. The guy in the cubicle next to me said that a plane had hit the world trade center... I chalked it up to accident. I tried to hop over to cnn.com but it was busy... then I heard that there was a second... not an accident. Then the pentagon... holy shit. I don't know what our children will think of this.

Okay people, if you are on the East Coast and i know and care about you, PLEASE let me know you're still alive... I've been trying to call Joel's cell, because he lives in downtown NYC, but of course all the cells are busy and I can't get through. Holy shit, how many people have died today?!?

Holy shit, just spilled coffee on my keyboard. Oh well... it appears to be in perfect working order... the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog... yep. 'Course it still won't fix my tyops... damn the bad luck.
Coffee also got on my pants, which led me to the discovery of yet another property of the infamous "backward pants" (yes, i'm wearing the damn things again)... they're water-resistant (or at least coffee resistant)!!! Coffee just beaded up aand rolled off. That is fucked up.

Fuck, the day started off badly... I overslept by a half-hour, and I got shampoo in my eyes. Man, will I ever be glad when this job is over and I can go to school... Holy shit, I just said that I couldn't wait for school. That's fucked up.
You know what pisses me off? Radio ads for Body Solutions. I don't know if this is a nationwide phenomenon or if it's unique to the DFW area, but every damn radio station is plugging this "wonder drug" every four minutes. It makes me want to throw up. And hell, by throwing up, I may have solved the Body Solutions problem... "Don't rely on miracle drugs... try the time-tested Bulemia! You know it works!" I'm tempted to call their 800 number and tell them to fuck off.
Anyway, back to the coffee, before it starts to violate fundamental laws of nature as it is prone to doing.

countdowns:
job: 3.3 days (today is a full day, tomorrow I've got a dentist appt at noon, so I miss part of the day, then thursday, and friday is half-day. Hoorah!)
stanford: 10 days

appreciated
I am
worked
(i am overworked and under-appreciated)

concert

Holy cow, the concert kicked some major ass. I don't know if I've ever had so much fun.

The warm-up band was this guy named David (dah-veed) Garza... basically, it was more of a comedy act. Unfortunately he didn't mean for it to be this way. Real young guy, just him, his guitar, and a drummer he didn't sound like he'd played with very often. The guitar was loud and crunchy, like a wannabe metallica, and the lyrics were unintelligible. All I could make out was something along the lines of "Attack of the BEES THE BEES THE BEES" which sound like really really retarded lyrics for a song. So basically, we tuned him out and watched the clouds turn pink while the sun started to set. Fortunately, he only played for about 30 minutes so we just kind of lived through the opening act.

Then Train took the stage. They were really good. I decided that I need to buy their CD. I enjoyed their performance, and when they hit the opening piano licks to their hit "Drops of Jupiter" everyone in the audience stood up and sang along. It was a really good show. Those guys are awesome...

After Train ended their set with "Drops of Jupiter" I went and took a piss break and bought a poster for my dorm room.

At about 9, matchbox twenty took the stage. Their setup was just plain ass-kicking... they had an elevated part with three flat-screen TV's on the front which would play surreal video clips (parts of music videos for the ones that have videos, random things for other songs), and on top was the drumset and a grand piano. Anyway, they opened their set with an extended version of "Crutch" (track 3 on mad season) and then launched into "Real World" (track 1 on yourself or someone like you). They played several of their songs from mad season and a few of the hits and good ones from yourself or someone like you. Before they played "long day" Rob Thomas told a story about the first time they heard themselves on the radio. They were just pulling into Dallas and had turned off a tape they'd been listening to and then all of a sudden on the radio they heard themselves. What a surreal experience that would be. Anyway, then they launched into Long Day which was way better live than on the CD.

Anyway, after almost two hours, they played "Mad Season" (a super long rendition thereof, which kicked ass" and the disco ball came and sprinkled sparklies all over the crowd and they left the stage and the lights went down, but the crowd cheered hard enough to get ourselves an encore, during which they played "If You're Gone," a Beatles cover, and then Rob yelled "This one goes out to all you fuckers in the Lawn" before they kicked off the beginning chords of "Push" which was their final song. I spent the song pondering whether or not that included us, because although we were in the lawn we certainly were not fucking. But then again, one can be a fucker without engaging in fucking, so I guess it did... that song was for me. (:

A random entertaining sidelight: Trojan was there passing out free samples before and after the concert, so there were many elongated pale latex-colored balloons being tossed about in the crowd. I think some of the people with good reserved seating were trying to get them onstage... don't think they ever succeeded, but it was still entertaining.

One more sidelight: we tried to pick a fight with a girl wearing a kal hat... holding up our Stanford sweatshirts... shoulda gone up to her and been like, you're a weenie!!! But we didn't.

Man, that concert fucking kicked ass.

coundowns:
job: 4 days
stanford: 11 days

countdowns:
matchbox twenty: TONIGHT!!!
stanford: 12 days
that damn job: 5 days
Cool.

I had a love affair with a pair of jeans at the Gap yesterday. It was so perfect... we fit together like peanut butter and jelly... like Porgy and Bess... like Bert and Ernie. But alas, it was not meant to last, for when the Momster saw them on me she turned beet-red and nearly keeled over of a heart attack... and then branded them "vulgar" and said that I looked like I'd charge the number on the price tag for my services. Something about that 5 3/4" rise... What does she know about fashion? I still pine for them... they were the most beautiful pants I have ever tried on.. size 6, ultra-low-rise, with a bit of stretch to them... oh, they were so perfect. I don't know if I'll ever find a love as wonderful as those pants. Every pair I try on will be compared to the ones I loved and lost... I pine, I burn, I perish. I will never love another pair. (:

Either that, or I could just buy them when I get out to California. I've never found a pair of pants that I would pay $48 for unhesitatingly, but these are definitely worth every penny. They were beautiful, as was our love, while it lasted.

Got a funny message from Geocities today...

"Congratulations, http://www.geocities.com/kereinhart is
very popular and has been receiving a large amount of traffic. Your
site has become so popular, in fact, that our records indicate that
you're using more than the allotted amount of data transfer we provide
for a free web site, which is 3GB/month (measured on an hourly basis)."

So, now they want me to start paying... HA! I suppose this means that in the coming weeks I'll have to move my Japan stuff over to my stanford webspace. No matter... (: I'm just concerned with the size of the pictures. Maybe I'll only put some of them up... so, let's piss off Geocites! Look at my japan page!! (:

The Little Things that Make Me Happy:
:: The sludge at the bottom of my coffee cup - uber-caffeinated, and chocolatey, due to the cocoa mix I poured in.
:: Fridays.
:: The fact that my coffee violates the laws of thermodynamics and becomes colder than its surroundings by the time I drink said sludge.
:: Winning at FreeCell.
:: The garbage can I stole from the office across the hall.
:: Winning at FreeCell - again.
:: Old Weezer songs
:: Half days
:: New songs on the radio

The Little Things that Piss Me Off:
:: Carpal tunnel syndrome and eyestrain
:: Excel spreadsheets of more than 5000 lines
:: Losing at FreeCell
:: The threat of thunderstorms on my matchbox twenty concert... shoulda sprung for the reserved seats instead of the uncovered lawn... :P

Hooray! The caffeine has returned to the third floor. Well, there is another breakroom on this floor, but it's down in the treasury department, and man, those chicks in Treasury are a bit... odd. That's the good part about working in IT, most of the employees here are under 35. It's better than having to wear a suit and tie, believe you me. (:
Hmm. It seems I've been doing something wrong with the project I've taken over for the intern who left. I'm really clueless. And my supervisor, well, I suppose he's practice for all my ESL profs this year. I want to say he's from South Africa judging by the accent... it's pretty thick. A bit difficult to understand. So I just pretend to do what he's asking... even though I have no clue. It's great. (:
::countdowns::
::matchboxtwenty:: 2 days
::work:: 7 days, 5 work days
::stanford:: 14 days

Alright, so I know what you're thinking. "Kat, pants don't have handedness." But oh, they do, they do. If you're wearing pants with a zippered fly (or a button fly) reach down and grab your... fly. No, no, just the fly... examine the zipper, and the flap of fabric covering it.
It's anchored on the left and opens to the right, doesn't it? Now, imagine if it were the other way around. Even the buttons reversed. Now think about trying to go to the bathroom with your pants like that. Now you know what I've gone through today. I know, it's a tragedy, but if I change my pants when I get home I just might make it through this.
My ears hurt, because I've had headphones on all day. You know that feeling where your headphones (the cheap kind, not nice bose ones or anything) press your ears against your head for extended periods of time? yeah, it hurts. :P
And I only have another hour of cubicle-ness, and tomorrow's casual friday! (: And sunday's the matchbox twenty concert, hell fuckin yeah!!!

Exciting thing of the day: The DJ on Merge Radio just said my name. I sent in an "equest" (i sent him email) requesting coldplay's "Yellow", and holy cow, on the air, he said my name! and then they played the song. I feel cool now. (okay, that's probably the coolest thing that's happened to me in awhile. The novelty of the situation *will* wear off, probably as soon as the song ends, but yeah, i'm a 'lil bit excited... too bad it wasn't like i won a contest or anything. but still blogworthy, I think, don't you? Don't answer that.

Kat's Exciting Trip to the Bathroom was highlighted by the realization that I am ....AUGH!.... wearing my "backwards pants." The "backwards pants" are a source of fascination for Jia on the BrannerBlog. The deal with them is that the fly is made for either a left-handed person or someone who is rich enough or incompetent enough to hire someone to dress them. Since I am neither left-handed, rich, or incompetent (well, I suppose one of those is up for debate...) I have no need or desire to have backward pants. And yet here I am, sitting in a pair of them. Perhaps I should hire a lackey...
"wanted: one lackey, preferably male, nice build, good-looking, to follow me around zipping and unzipping my backwards pants. Must be right-handed due to the nature of said pants. Apply within."
Or maybe, just maybe, i'm taking things a bit too far and can deal with the occasional left-handed zip. On second thought... any takers on the lackey position? (:

mood: not bad
tunes: "androgyny" by garbage

So it's only 11 AM and I'm already starving, despite the fact that I had a huge breakfast. Which means I'm now faced with the dilemma: eat now, and starve later, or starve now, and eat later?
This job makes me feel like such an intellectual... I could easily be replaced by a visual basic macro. But, since I value my programming skills too much to taint them with knowledge of visual basic, here I sit, copy, find, copy, paste.... over and over and over.
Anyway, I didn't win the backstage passes to the matchbox twenty concert, so I'm kinda bummed... but then again, I'm totally thrilled to just be going. Problem is that it looks like it's going to be rainy... and we have lawn seats... perhaps we should bring an umbrella and a tarp to sit on.
Will's still playing the fence-sitter on whether or not he can go. Geez, I even bought him a ticket! Hopefully he'll figure it out soon, so that Jane can buy herself a ticket if it turns out that he cannot go, or that she can take his if he can't. I hope he does go though... the more the merrier.
Problem solved: Eat now. (:
So I'm agonizing over Free Cell Game #5912. I'm a freecell addict, but I still suck at it. I do win, though, occasionally, which makes me happy.
countdowns:
matchbox twenty: 3 days (Hell yes!!!)
until i get out of this job: 8 days, 6 workdays
stanford: 15 days

ahh, the joys of being on the floor where the water pump to the break room is broken... none. Only one cup of coffee this morning. No coke. Grr... Going to go crazy. Not that I'm not there already. Today has sucked so far... that 28,000 line worksheet is only half done, and i picked a fight with Karl for no reason whatsoever. I'm a bitch, aren't I... oh well.
Countdowns:
matchbox twenty: 4 days
until I get out of this job: 9 days, 7 workdays
stanford: 16 days
Hooray! Time is actually passing! That's always a good thing. (:

Next stop: Guestbook. (: I've signed meself up for a guestbook account which i'm going to stick a link to on my site... I really hope people will sign! Right now I've been going through the GoStats counter stuff but that doesn't give me enough info to figure out *who* has visited my site, so I'm gonna put up a guestbook. It'll be good.
Right now I'm avoiding work. I've got a 28000 line excel spreadsheet that needs to be "processed" (meaning find, copy, paste, find) which totally blows goats, so I'm going to avoid it. Sounds like a plan to me. (: I'll do it tomorrow, it's just that it's 3 PM and my peak productivity hours are over, and I know I can go home in 2.5 hours. I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me. It's a tradeoff. (:
8, or maybe 7, days of work left, depending on whether or not I skip Monday. (: I really want to. But I dunno if I should. I'll figure it all out later... :P Stupid work. I hate it.

Today may be Tuesday, but it sure feels like a Monday. That's always a letdown. 'Cause I know deep down how today's Tuesday but I still got to sleep in yesterday and not go to work, so I'm convinced this is Monday. I know there are only three more days until the weekend after today, but I also know that I just spent 3 days lolling around without doing anything important, and I got to liking that feeling. So now I'm back at work, and of course the break room broke (haha) (no, seriously, there was a problem in there and I couldn't get my coffee this mornign so I still feel like falling asleep.) and it could be a Tuesday, it should be a Tuesday, but no, it feels like a Monday. Stupid stuff. I can't imagine going to work without a possible end in sight. The entire time I've been working here I've been looking forward to Friday, September 14, the day that I end. but... man. If I didn't have that to look forward to I'd go nucking futs. Not that I'm not there already.
mood: ( *_* ) tired and jaded
tunes: matchbox twenty - mad season
Countdowns:
matchbox twenty: 6 days
stanford: 17 days
until i get out of this job: 10 days

Life is good right now. I've reached an understanding with Karl where we have space, but still communication, which is perfect. We're talking a lot better than we have in more than a week, which I appreciate. I don't want to completely sever the ties that bind us but I don't want to be tied down, which is what i think we've reached right here. It's just right.
And now for something completely different, my webpage is up and running. I rule.

Thinking. It's a dangerous pasttime.
but sometimes it can help you clear things up. first of all, the reasons that i want to leave karl. it's not about that other guy.... he was merely a spark... i think it was not the person, but the realization that there are people. if that makes any sense. i was brought to the realization that there are other guys in the world, and that i can have feelings for someone other than karl, which makes me wonder if it's right for us to be together at this point. also, i've been talking to tons of guys that are going to stanford next year... holy cow, there are a ton of them. which makes me completely psyched to head off that direction in 18 days. and they're almost all extremely intelligent, smart, funny, and fun to be around... and maybe even some of them'll be hot. (:
i owe that other guy an apology. i always manage to fuck things up with him. our friendship means a lot to me, and i love hanging out with him. but it seems that i always manage to get the wrong idea around him and try to turn things into what they are not meant to be. always. i'm a moron. so, if you're reading this, let's be friends. keep in touch, please. don't let my quirks scare you off... well, i suppose they have in the past, but we've gotten through it, so let's get through this. and maybe, at stanford, there will be that knight in shining armor that embodies everything that you are and everything that i wish you could be that i know you never can be. maybe someday i will become the strong woman that you think i am and that i wish i could be and someday, we truly will be just friends. i'll survive... don't worry about me.

Has that kid called? No. Did he call last night? No. Does he want to see me before he goes back to school or not, goddammit? Bastard.
It's really stupid the way I hang on that guy. I try not to, I honestly do, but hanging out with him is one of the most fun things i can do. He always finds a way to make even the most boring things fun. And, as strong of a person as I am, I'm a complete sucker for him. I mean, shit, I spent the entirety of last night sitting at home by the phone, hoping he'd call... Never did, but I sat there nonetheless. It's pathetic, because he calls both my cell and my home line, so I was toting my little pink cellphone around from place to place, and if i was in a room without a phone, I'd take my cordless handset too.. G*d, i'm pathetic.
Today, the parents packed up and went to College Station to visit my brother, leaving me home with my sister (who is, at the moment, taping pencils and other random things to bookends. What an oddball). I've slept four times since they left... I keep falling asleep. I have no idea why. it's the weirdest feeling, too... all my dreams are about waking up. So i'll think i'm already awake, when really i'm zonked out on the couch.
I just spaced out. I'm totally losing it. My eyes hurt, and i'm tired. GAAAH wake up Kat.
Countdowns:
matchbox twenty: 8 days
stanford: 19 days

Aw hell yeah, it's all done!!! All. Well, for now. Tell me what you think! (if you know my email address use that one, otherwise use the "contact" link on the page there which will send it to my other account.) Whoohoo... I've got a web page, i've got a web page... (: The next step will be to begin to FTP this blog over there, so it's all in one spot. That's a bit hairier, so it might take a few weeks... bear with me. (:
I'm Freaking Lucious.

Aight, so I've converted all my past journal entries into a (boring) HTML format. It's really boring, white background, black text, the thrilling parts are my bold and unbold parts... whee. I *might* eventually get artistic (not to mention motivated) enough to do something better, but they're all at least there. I can't FTP from the computer I'm on right now, so I'll have to upload to the one that I can FTP from, and I'll have to make an index sheet, and set up my Stanford webspace which doesn't work yet, I'll let you know, trust me. (:
Today, ahh, today... people seem to be coming home. That will be exciting. (High school buddies. :) So, I'll be entertained. Since I can't just take off to NYU and Columbia like some people I know (ahem, Joel, ahem) or go sky diving to celebrate my 18th birthday (ahem, Jia, ahem) I have to deal with friends road-tripping into town from Exciting Austin, TX. So my life is a bit more subdued than some people... *g*
"Every now and then, I turn it on again, but It's plain to see that THE RADIO STILL SUCKS."
--the Ataris
Alright, so I admit it, I went and I did something productive today... I helped my dad fix my car. A few weeks ago it started making a funny brake noise, kind of a hollow rubbing sound... I admit it, I didn't think that much of it at first, being a female (: but it got 10 times worse last night when I was at Barnes and Noble with Jamie and she got really scared so I talked to my dad about it. Turns out I needed new brake pads, so I went up to the auto parts place and got some. We also fixed the issues I've been having with my turn signal and my brake light... everything seems to be in working order now... we'll see how that lasts. (: The paint job on my fender still blows, because it's spray paint, but it looks better than it did black....
Yeah. I pulled out in front of a minivan last October and it turned my drivers side front fender into a black one. (: That's a funny story. But my dad was so sick of the black that in August he up and painted the damn thing tan again... it's a yellower tan to the pink-browner one of my car, but it's close enough that in a dark parking garage it can pass as the original coat, from more than 30 feet away.. hehehe. (:
Incomprehensible Flamingo Languages.

countdowns:
Stanford: 20 days
matchbox twenty: 9 days