just as an update for those of y'all who are worried: don't be. i was in a really shitty mood (obviously) when i posted that - and now i'm getting things turned around. my mood is 200% better today and yesterday than it was monday, i have an appointment with a shrink on thursday, and a lot of the issues with my staff that were causing my bad mood have been resolved or at least discussed. i've made a resolution to myself to stop missing class and get caught up in my studies, and so i think shit's going to get better. i've been letting things slide too much, but it stops yesterday. yay. i'll make it. i promise.

re: my "hella studying" away message:

eric: i don't think "hella studying" is an appropriate use of the word
eric: learn the etymology
kat: oh whatever
eric: lol
kat: it's fucking slang
eric: and then?
kat: i can say "i'm soooo studying"
eric: haha
eric: true
kat: and in most other applications "soooo" can be replaced with "hella"
kat: as in "i'm hella tired"
eric: yes yes
kat: or "that movie was hella good"
kat: therefore
eric: i just tend to equate hella with wicked
kat: jesus, no
eric: and you can definitely not say "i'm wicked studying"
eric: hahaha
kat: hella != wicked
eric: dude, it's so used the same
kat: hella > wicked
eric: for example i could not say it's hella used the same there
eric: haha
eric: yes
eric: but used in a similar manner
kat: hehe
kat: no, because in that situation "so" wasn't an adverb
kat: oh wait, yeah it was
eric: :P
kat: you could too say "it's hella not used the same"
eric: oh
eric: yeah
eric: nevermind
eric: i could
kat: hehe
eric: dammit
kat: so i can say i'm hella studying
kat: HA
kat: i win
kat: i HELLA win, even

my life is falling apart. it really is. i don't know if i'm going to make it. i thought i was doing fine, but i guess i wasn't. i think this school is too hard for me. yeah, way to go, discover that when you're a junior and it's too late to transfer, good one, kat. i don't even know what i want to do with my life anymore. i need help.

things i remember dreaming about last night:
snowboarding
being able to sing
winning a free ticket to a movie
being in a large house with my entire family
running around a store

random things i appreciate today:
modest mouse
the fact that i was able to get up this morning
the fact that the biker that ran into me this morning on my way back from class asked me if i was ok
wheaties

There's something out there. Something worth waiting for, something worth living for. I'm kind of dazed and confused right now because it feels like only 5 minutes ago that i kissed that something goodbye and got out of the car and walked into the airport, but this weekend solidified in my mind the fact that there is something there. and it's amazing, whatever it is.

bwahahahahahaha.

it just dawned on me a few minutes ago that i'm not normal ordinary person in love. i'm ridiculous crazy stupid idiotic retarded not even funny lose control of vital bodily functions in love. that kind of realization isn't the kind that leaves you floating feeling like you're on top of the world. that kind of love happens to people all over the world every day. this is the kind of realization that makes every single part of your body so heavy you feel like you never want to get out of your chair, because you can't. there's only one thing in the world that matters, but it matters so much that it permeates every cell of your being. it makes you realize that everything you ever thought was love before was just wishful thinking, which is kind of disappointing to realize, because you think you've been in love before, you've thought it was real. but it wasn't, because it never felt as real as this, as important and significant as this. hell, world war two wasn't as important or significant as this. and i really mean that.

i think i'm about to cry.

blogblog. exciting weekend. last night the staff hung out in Luanne's room (she was upset about something Kennell said to her, not sure what and why, but it sounded kind of insensitive). There is much tension among some members of the staff; i prefer to stay out of it of course, but i'm afraid it's going to become a problem that i can't just ignore. after that, i sat in my room and did homework until about 2:30 and then read in bed until about 3. i'm rereading a life less ordinary, which is a pretty good book. fast reading.

writing lab reports sucks.

new look! not pink anymore! yay! what do you think?

jp: "i like economics like i like unlubricated masturbation. it's fun in the end, but while you're doing it, it's a little uncomfortable."

Luanne and I on last Thursday's game of "never have I ever" (the topic: Never have I ever... gone 69)

Luanne: But then his balls would be in your face! EWWW!
Me: Not if they're in your mouth.

Evidently Luanne has testiclephobia.

things in my life that are important to me, in no particular order:
- branner
- jared
- landing that apple internship (why won't my cardinal recruiting account work??)

if you knew
how i long
for you now that you're gone
you'd grow wings and fly
home to me, home tonight
and in the morning sun

let's pretend we're bunny rabbits
let's do it all day long
let abbots, babbitts and cabots
say mother nature's wrong
and when we've had a couple'a'beers
we'll put on bunny suits
i long to nibble your ears
and do as bunnies do

let's pretend we're bunny rabbits
let's do it all day long
rapidly becoming rabid
singing little rabbit songs
i can keep it up all night
i can keep it up all day
let's pretend we're bunny rabbits
until we pass away

-the magnetic fields

i think i may be the only person on the planet who actually not only doesn't mind, but prefers, warm soda to cold soda. i'm the same way with some beers, but i just don't vocalize that because evidently drinking warm coors light is some sort of blasphemy or something.

hm. i should get some beer. i haven't had beer in a long time.

*sigh* so now california has a governator instead of a governor. why do i find this slightly unsettling? the fact that the former mr. universe will be leading the largest state in the US? this is making California even more of a joke than Missouri was when Jesse "The Body" Ventura was voted into office there. Now I have a governor who will [arnold voice]pump me up[/arnold]. sigh. fucking politics piss me off.

at least proposition 54 got voted down.

yay! the pd program approved my major. I'm officially declared! yay!

bad news: the branner cookies have returned. as if it wasn't already certain that i was gonna gain the freshman 15 back this quarter, i had 4 cookies after dinner. yummmmmm. must. control. impulses.

i just fixed my old-ass falling-apart abercrombie jeans with duct tape. hottt.

well, it's monday again. it's funny how that happens. this weekend flew by - probably because saturday was spent in san francisco and sunday was spent recovering from saturday (lack of sleepwise). i cranked out my first paper for my writing in the major class (the major is for sucks) in like 45 minutes yesterday. it was only a resume and cover letter though so it's not like it was a big deal. excitement: my cd's from amazon.com got here. death cab for cutie - we have the facts and we're voting yes is totally good. typical death cab stuff though. i'm enjoying interpol - turn on the bright lights in a different way though. it's less mellow, darker, harder. more rock-ish than death cab. i kind of like it. the next cd i'm going to buy is the polyphonic spree - beginning stages of.... it looks good. i like what spree stuff i've heard, which isn't a whole lot, but they have a very unique sound. everyone should download their track "light and day" which sounds familiar because it was on a vw commercial. but then, isn't everything vw uses in their commercials good? i might also buy something by the magnetic fields. i'm becoming such a pretentious indie-rock hipster. sweet.

i actually kind of don't dislike mondays all that much. yeah, they're my busiest day, but they really aren't all that bad. the only sucky parts are my writing class is boring and staff meeting tends to run long, but really, they're not so bad. i'd rather have mondays be my painfully long day than, say, thursdays. better to get it over with anyway.

grrr when is the fucking pd program going to approve my major declaration?

i have a fine layer of brass dust on my shirt. this is awesome. i am in love with the metal shop. i actually got all disappointed when i finished my part and had to clean up and leave. i want to spend hours and hours in there cutting and turning and milling and doing things to metal things that i have never been able to do before. highly entertaining.

i need to come up with a term project sometime soon. perhaps i'll work on my logbook tonight.

so on my way back from class today i stopped by and talked to lisa, who is our "resident student affairs specialist" or basically our office lady. she had chocolate. i took 2 dove promises - a milk one and a dark one. i love dove promises because they're like fortune cookies but there's none of this "hard work make you money in long run" shit, it's all just sappy little messages. and chocolate is better than fortune cookie anyway. the first one i opened had this inside:

"It's the anticipation that makes the pleasure."

so true, so true.

the second one was:

"Eating chocolate is like giving yourself a big hug."

I just hugged myself. Twice. hooray for chocolate.

this morning: me203. best class EVAR. this afternoon: me203 lab. i'm excited about it, the machine shop intrigues me, but it's a little intimidating. oh well. i'm overwhelmingly excited about learning how to make shit out of metal. how fucking cool is that. i'll write more about my possible term projects later, now i'm going to power nap so that i don't fall asleep during lab - which is from 1 to 5. ewwww.